


Are You Steady Now?

by JeremyBearimy



Series: Gay to Me [5]
Category: Dead To Me (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Humor, Canon Divergence, F/F, Face-Sitting, Falling In Love, Gay Bar, Mutual Pining, Semi-Public Sex, Seriously I am so sorry, Shameless Smut, So much angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-25
Updated: 2020-07-02
Packaged: 2020-09-26 05:27:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 44,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20384416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JeremyBearimy/pseuds/JeremyBearimy
Summary: Part II of So Steady As She Goes; Judy moves into Jen's room, the storyline of the show plays out except there's no Nick and Jen and Judy have to navigate a different kind of relationship. This story will run all the way through to the events of episode 10.





	1. Nickels And Dimes, Yours and Mine

**Author's Note:**

> Just a warning, the beginning of this is about to be real indulgent smut and domestic bliss because it's gonna get real angsty later.

The first night back after the grief retreat, the air hung heavily between Jen and Judy. This was all very new to them, and they both knew they’d committed to Judy moving into Jen’s room, but they’d made no effort to move her things, nor had they talked about it. They were stuck playing “just friends” in front of Henry and Charlie for the better part of the day and evening, keeping their respective distances with good reason. There was no opportunity to move Judy’s things or have a discussion with the two boys around. It wasn’t as though they minded, Judy was actually surprised at how much she’d missed them; after getting used to seeing them every day she’d grown more attached than she thought she would. They were family now. The boys loved Judy and she loved them, whether or not the three of them would admit that verbally.

But all of that aside, they had been the reason no words were exchanged, or at least that’s what Jen was telling herself. Really, she hoped they’d stick around longer, though she convinced herself it  _ wasn’t _ because she was nervous about having an intimate conversation with Judy.

The four of them usually went to bed around the same time, although Jen would lay awake and stare at the ceiling and Charlie would play video games for the better part of the night, they’d all retreat into their respective spaces around the same time. Tonight would be different, though. Jen and Judy would have to wait until the boys were in their rooms and asleep before they could go to bed. They hadn’t discussed this aspect—the fact that they’d have to hide their sleeping together—but there seemed to be an understanding between them. They both knew they’d have to pretend Judy was still sleeping in the guesthouse, which certainly wasn’t something Jen had thought of when she offered, but here they were, waiting for the boys to retire to their rooms without a word between them on the matter. Eventually Jen sent Henry to bed, since he had school the next morning, and Charlie followed soon after, probably eager to play his game from the privacy of his own bedroom.

“Aaaand, then there were two,” Judy said from the couch, grinning up at Jen, who’d just come back downstairs after saying goodnight to Henry and getting him settled.

“Yes there were,” Jen snorted, plopping down beside her on the couch with a huff. “How are you feeling?” Jen asked, “Are you about ready for bed? Or do you wanna stay up and have a drink? Or,” she shrugged, no intention of giving another option.

Judy returned her shrug, “I don’t know, I guess I’m ready to just go to bed.” She wanted to bring up the sleeping arrangements, but it felt almost as if Jen had forgotten, and that she’d sound like she was inviting herself if she asked, so she waited for Jen to offer.

“Yeah. I’m feeling about the same. I guess we should turn in,” Jen punctuated her statement with a yawn, stretching her arms up over her head.

“Mmm. Yeah,” Judy nodded. “Well, uh, goodnight.”

Jen rubbed her tired eyes when she was finished with her dramatic yawn, and started speaking before taking her hands away from her face. “Well, hey, my offer still stands if you wanna . . . you know,” Jen kept rubbing her eyes, blinking rapidly, doing anything to avoid direct eye contact with Judy.

Judy visibly relaxed, “Okay, good. I kinda figured you were rethinking it, but I’d love to,” Judy flashed a genuine smile at Jen.

Jen returned a tight-lipped smile, then scoffed, “_Rethinking_ _it,_” she repeated, “of course I wasn’t rethinking it. I guess I just hadn’t thought of the fact that I’d have to sneak around my own home like a teenager in my parents’ house.”

Judy shook her head, “Come on, don’t think of it like that, maybe they wouldn’t even think anything of it?”

Jen huffed, “Char would. Given his reaction to you moving in.”

Judy cringed at the memory, scratching the back of her head. “Yeah . . . well, let’s give it some time, either way. Let  _ ourselves _ adjust to it before we expect anyone else to, I guess.”

Nodding slowly, Jen rose from the couch, “Alright, hon, can I help you bring in some things from the guesthouse?”

Judy grinned up at her, nodding quickly and getting up herself.

The two of them made their way to the guesthouse and put together a bag full of Judy’s toiletries for the night and going forward, along with something to wear to bed and something for the next day. They knew they could get more tomorrow, too sleepy to go through the entire transfer now. Once they made it to Jen’s room they both brushed their teeth, washed their faces, and did whatever they needed to do to clean up in her adjoining bathroom as quickly as they could, both eager to go to bed. When they made it back to Jen’s room, Judy was stripping off her dress immediately.

“Whoa,” Jen’s eyebrow quirked up as she watched the garment slowly rise, like some sort of grand unveiling of a piece of art. She watched as Judy’s thighs slowly came into view, followed by the curve of her ass, framed by a baby blue lace thong, then came the small of her back and the matching dimples that adorned it. The task was so agonizingly slow that Jen decided to intervene, stepping up behind Judy and grabbing onto her flowy, bohemian dress with both hands. Judy let go and raised her arms up when she felt Jen’s body pressed against hers.

“Thank you,” Judy giggled as the dress came up and over her head, “definitely needed help with that.”

“I could tell,” Jen said in a lower voice than she was used to hearing. She looked Judy’s whole backside up and down one last time, noticing she was wearing a matching baby blue bra. Taking Judy by the upper arms, Jen flipped her around so that they were face-to-face, gently pulling Judy’s body up against her own. Judy beamed up at her, her arms snaked around Jen’s lower back.

Jen’s face softened as she leaned down to kiss Judy; her perpetually clenched jaw loosening, lips falling open. Judy’s body relaxed into Jen’s, her knees almost buckling beneath her.

Jen ran her hand down Judy’s back, giving her ass a squeeze. Judy sighed a quiet “ _ mmph _ ” into Jen’s mouth. 

“Hmm,” Jen ran her fingers under the waistband of Judy’s thong, “these are kinda slutty, Jude.”

Judy giggled, their foreheads coming together, “Well, I did wear them for you.”

“ _ Did _ you?” Jen asked suggestively.

“Mm,” Judy nodded, “thought maybe you could take them off of me?”

Jen’s mouth went dry, she swallowed loud enough for Judy to hear. “I could . . . do that,” Jen said so quietly she wasn’t sure Judy heard her, but she planted a kiss on the side of Judy’s jaw, making her way down to her neck and shoulder, Judy moaning softly at the contact. Jen reached behind to unhook Judy’s bra; it took her a few seconds—it being the inverse of what her muscle memory is used to—but she slid the straps down Judy’s arms as soon as it came undone, letting it fall to the floor.

“Come on,” Judy said with a grin, she led the two of them to the foot of the bed until the backs of her knees were against it, and she sat, Jen still facing her. She opened her legs wide enough for someone to fit between and reigned Jen in by the backs of her thighs. “Let’s get rid of these,” Judy said as she began unbuttoning Jen’s pants. Jen watched her struggle with the button and zip with an amused smirk, not helping until Judy finally had them undone and was pushing them down her hips. Jen shoved them down the rest of the way, stepping out of them as she began unbuttoning her blouse. Jen worked on the buttons from top-to-bottom while Judy eagerly unbuttoned it from the bottom up, pulling it open and helping yank it from Jen’s shoulders when they finally finished.

Judy scanned Jen up and down; she was, of course, in matching lingerie, her bra and panties both black lace and almost entirely see-through. “Did you wear that for me?” Judy asked, still staring.

“No no, this was for my side piece. Thought I’d be seeing her tonight,” Jen teased.

“Sorry to disappoint,” Judy said with a phony pout. After a beat, she leaned back on her palms, sitting at the foot of Jen’s bed in nothing but a thong, her legs still spread open invitingly, and stared up at Jen. Judy was chewing her bottom lip, her brown eyes wide and tantalizing, daring Jen to make a move.

“God, you are just something fuckin’ else, aren’t you?” Jen said before taking Judy by the shoulders and roughly pushing her flat on her back. Judy sucked in a small gasp, starting to scoot herself farther back on the bed as Jen climbed on top of her. Judy’s entire body was vibrating at a different frequency now, unsure of why Jen pushing her back brought on so much arousal, but she was excited at the prospect of Jen taking control over her. 

“Sorry,” Jen whispered, crawling on top of Judy, “was that too hard?”

“Not at all,” Judy snorted, “you can do it harder than that.”

“Noted,” Jen grinned down at Judy, grabbing her wrists and pinning them up above her head.

“ _ Oh _ ,” Judy smirked, “what are we d—“

Jen cut her off with swiftly with a kiss, pushing a knee between Judy’s thighs, grinding it softly against her, Judy’s hips starting to roll. “Mmm,” Judy moaned against Jen’s mouth, loving the contact but feeling more frustrated than anything, she pulled her lips away as much as she could, “Are you just gonna tease me?”

“Maybe,” Jen whispered before continuing their kiss, eventually moving down her jaw only to land on her neck, nipping hard enough to make Judy yelp, then kissing and sucking the affected area.

Judy was breathing heavily, unable to still her hips that continued to grind against Jen’s thigh, “I thought,” she took a few breaths, “I thought you were the one who said no hickeys.”

“Well,” Jen murmured against Judy’s neck, “I was talking about on  _ me _ ,” she continued to suck.

Judy scoffed, “Mm, yeah? Well, I’ll be seeing  _ your _ kids tomorrow after spending the night in  _ this _ house sooo . . .” she couldn’t help the moan it brought on when Jen ran her tongue over the spot she had bitten.

“True,” Jen said before moving her lips from Judy’s neck to the underside of her breast, “no one will be looking here though,” she grinned against Judy’s skin, “except for me.”

“Mm, and my side bitch,” Judy moaned, Jen sucking determinedly at the skin of her breast.

With a hint of a laugh, Jen let go of Judy’s wrists, using one arm for leverage while the other made its way between Judy’s legs, teasing her until she couldn’t handle it anymore. As was earlier requested, Judy’s thong was quickly peeled off and cast aside. Jen’s mouth made it back to Judy’s, her hand finding its way back between Judy’s legs.

Jen was still left in her lingerie, which was only getting in the way. She felt Judy’s fingers running up the length of her back and knew where they were headed. This wasn’t scary anymore, Jen thought to herself, Judy loved every part of her and she was going to be fine. After fumbling with the clasp for a moment, Judy finished ridding Jen of her bra and reached up to touch.

“You . . .” Judy panted out between breaths “. . . Okay?”

“I’m fine, sweetie,” Jen whispered.

“Okay. Good.”

It was only after Judy finished riding out her orgasm that she flipped the two of them over. She was now somewhat confident in her abilities, at least compared to last time. She made her way swiftly down the length of Jen’s body; moving her lips from Jen’s jaw, to her neck, to her chest, and then to her abdomen, at which point Jen’s breath picked up in anticipation. Judy considered drawing it out longer, but she was far too eager, and had gotten Jen worked up enough as it was. With that thought, she dragged Jen’s panties down her legs

Without haste, Judy lowered herself and pushed Jen’s legs apart, letting her mouth sink between them under Jen’s deep gaze.

Jen had to keep a hand over her mouth to keep from disturbing the house. She was practically shaking by the time Judy was done returning the favor. All of the tension in her body was released; she felt as though she might actually be able to get a good night’s sleep tonight, a true anomaly.

She couldn’t help the loving warmth that overflowed in her chest when Judy lifted her head from between her legs and beamed up at her proudly. Now Judy was crawling up the length of Jen’s body, wiping her lips and chin with the back of her hand, looking sufficiently self-satisfied. Her pride was well-earned, Jen thought, breathing heavily and glowing with ecstasy, but she didn’t have to be so smug about it.

“How was I?” Judy asked eagerly as her face came parallel to Jen’s.

“Seriously?” Jen snorted, “Come here.” Judy was immediately enveloped in Jen’s arms, collapsing down on top of her before Jen rolled them onto their sides, still squeezing Judy’s body against her own. “I’m so glad you’re here,” Jen mumbled against Judy’s hair, partly hoping she wouldn’t be heard.

“Mm,” Judy nuzzled her neck, “you’re only saying that ‘cause I just ate your pussy.”

Jen loosened her grip, sighing, “Alright I was trying to be fuckin’ genuine.”

Judy giggled, “So was I.”

Jen rolled her eyes, untangling herself from Judy and climbing off the bed. Unfazed, Judy sat up to watch, because it wasn’t every day she got to watch that woman stand up and walk across a room completely naked, and she was taking a moment to soak it all in. She turned around and flipped onto her stomach, laying with her chin in her palms, watching Jen intently as she pulled on a loose T-shirt, her ass still peeking out from beneath. Jen turned around and saw Judy watching her; she huffed, “Don’t look while I do this.”

Judy’s eyebrow quirked up, “Do what?”

“Just, don’t look for a second, we’re not on that level yet.”

Judy shrugged and turned away before Jen swiped a tissue from her dresser and wiped herself off, immediately disposing of it before she started digging through her drawer for clean underwear. And, of course, Judy had been watching out of the corner of her eye. “That wet, huh?” Judy murmured teasingly.

Jen flipped around and glared at Judy; “I told you not to look,” she huffed, pulling on clean panties.

“Oops. Can you grab me my pajamas?”

Sighing, Jen walked over to Judy’s bag and picked out her silk kimono robe and fresh underwear, “You really are a piece of work, you know that?” There was an air of annoyance in Jen’s voice, but even so, she climbed onto the bed with Judy with her clothes ready, sat behind her, and opened the robe up for Judy to slip her arms into, wrapping it affectionately around her front before she handed Judy her new panties.

“Here,” Jen said meekly, holding them out in front of her. 

“Thank you,” Judy grinned as she took them, “and I’m really glad I’m here too.”

Those words brought a soft smile to Jen’s face, but she tried to hide the expression when Judy turned around to face her. She was relieved when Judy’s lips came and hid it for her. “Sorry,” Judy muttered against Jen’s lips as she pushed the blonde onto her back, urging her to get under the covers, which they eventually tucked themselves beneath. Judy was laying on her side, facing Jen. “Hey. Thank you for sharing your space with me.”

Jen’s face softened, her turning onto her side as well, “You’re good company. And  _ no _ not just because of your mouth. Before you try to ruin the moment.”

Judy giggled, “I won’t, I won’t. You’re good company too.”

A soft smile grazed Jen’s lips as she reached forward, swiping a thumb over Judy’s cheek as her fingertips made her way into her hair. Her smile faded as Judy’s eyes fell closed. “I’m serious, though,” Jen said, “Thank you for being here through the thick of it. Everything. I haven’t been able to pull it together for more than a day and you’re . . . still here, so thank you.”

Judy’s eyes opened at half mast, smiling sleepily back at Jen, “Hey, you are where you’re at. You don’t need to pull it together for me. It’s been a shitty week. Well, a shitty year, probably. But either way, I wouldn’t expect anymore or any less. And hey, you’ve done the same for me. So thank you,” her statement ended in a tired mumble, unable to keep her eyes open.

Jen couldn’t help the endeared smile Judy’s sweet, sleepy voice brought. She didn’t know how to respond, but rolled onto her back and stared up at the ceiling, thinking, and envying Judy’s ability to sleep so quickly. Waiting until she believed Judy was asleep, she spoke; “You know . . . it’s amazing that you came into my life right when I needed you. Like this . . . serendipitous human life preserver. If I’d never lost Ted I never would’ve known I needed you. It’s crazy how one person could completely tear my life apart one day and then so soon after someone could come in and started picking up the pieces and glueing them back together.” Jen let out a breath, one that sounded like a weight had been lifted off of her; it wasn’t easy to admit how much she needed Judy, but knowing Judy probably hadn’t heard her in her exhausted state made it so much easier.

Judy  _ had _ been drifting off, but her eyes shot open in an automatic response to Jen’s words. Jen hadn’t noticed, luckily, she was still staring up at the ceiling when Judy opened her eyes, and now rolled onto her side facing away from Judy. The words “ _ one person could completely tear my life apart _ ” echoed over and over like a mantra in Judy’s head. Judy swallowed hard. She wished she could tell the truth, she really did, but she would only tear Jen’s life apart a second time.

“ _ I’m so sorry, _ ” Judy whispered so inaudibly that she might as well have mouthed it, but she wanted to hear it herself. Jen, of course, didn’t hear, but Judy could hear in her steady breathing that she was dozing off. Feeling tears spring in her eyes, Judy closed them softly, trying to shut her mind off before she started sobbing. She managed to keep from making any noise, but that didn’t stop the tightening of her stomach, chills, or shakes that all came with the thought of Jen finding out. She had tried hard not to let the thought enter her mind, but once it made its way in there was no getting rid of it. And the physical reaction was always going to be a piece of it, she was just relieved she didn’t feel the need to throw up.

Even though Judy hadn’t made a sound, she couldn’t stop herself from violently trembling, something she thought might draw Jen’s attention. Jen had started to stir, and out of fear that she’d roll over and see the tears in her eyes, Judy scooted up behind her until her body was against Jen’s. Feeling Judy up against her and not quite asleep yet, Jen reached a hand back and grabbed Judy’s, pulling Judy’s arm around her and clasping their fingers together. Her entire body starting to relax now, Judy pulled herself in even closer, holding Jen securely in her arms and never wanting to let go. She couldn’t believe that this was the same woman who refused her hug all those weeks ago; now she laid contently in Judy’s arms, letting her act as the big spoon, and held Judy’s hand hostage, making sure she wouldn’t let go.

“Are you okay?” Jen asked sleepily, “You’re shaking.”

“Hm? Oh. I’m fine! Just got a chill,” Judy tried to sound chipper even though her voice was shaking as well. “Go to sleep, I’m alright.”

“Mm, alright. But if you need me, wake me, okay?” Jen knew it was probably more than just a chill, but she decided not to pry. She’s had enough unexpected bouts of emotional distress within the last few months to know there wasn’t always a reason, so she let Judy be and squeezed her hand a little tighter.

“Okay. Thank you. Goodnight, Jen.”

“Night, hun.”


	2. Did you cash in all your dreams?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jen and Judy wake up together in Jen's bed for the first time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just total indulgent, domestic bliss before everything starts to go downhill.

Jen woke up the next morning to the disappointing sensation of Judy separating from her and climbing out of bed. She groaned loud enough for Judy to hear, trying to make her disappointment clear even in her sleepy, delirious state. “Where are you going? Come back,” Jen whined sleepily, partly muffled by her pillow. 

Judy chuckled, circling the bed to Jen’s side, “Go back to sleep, I’m gonna make breakfast.” Jen’s eyes flicked open for a moment to stare up at her, then fell back shut. Judy smiled down at her, bending over to set a soft kiss on her temple and watched the serene smile that came over Jen’s face.

Assuming Jen had fallen back asleep, she walked away and went through her bag, pulling out the clothes she’d brought up for today. It wasn’t until she dropped her robe and underwear around her ankles that she decided maybe Jen hadn’t fallen back asleep. She heard the subtle creak of weight shifting on the bed and quickly spun around, only to find Jen propped up by her elbow and staring back at her. “Go back to  _ sleep _ , Jen.”

Jen smirked sleepily at her, looking her up and down; “Do you  _ have _ to leave?”

“ _ Yes _ , if you want breakfast.”

Jen fell back onto her pillow with a huff, “What if I wanna have  _ you _ for breakfast?”

Judy felt her cheeks starting to heat up, her knees almost buckling beneath her. “Uh— well,” the temptation was somewhat overwhelming, especially with the heat that had started to build between her legs. She could’ve put clothes on by now, she thought, she  _ could’ve  _ . . . Biting down on her bottom lip, she looked back at Jen, who was staring at her now like she was, well, breakfast.

“Come here,” Jen said, curling a finger towards herself. The look on Jen’s face was enough for Judy to forget about getting dressed and glide right across the room to Jen’s side.

“Did you have something in mind?” Judy asked, trying to mask her excitement.

Jen looked her up and down hungrily. “Sit on my face?”

“ _ Oh! _ ” A grin overtook Judy’s face, “You really think we uh . . . have time?”

“I only need a few minutes.”

“Seriously?” Judy laughed, “You’re awfully full of yourself.”

“Have some faith in me, honey,” Jen scooted towards the middle of the bed, “now come on, we don’t have all morning.”

After giving it a moment’s thought, Judy climbed onto the bed, coming to straddle Jen’s rib cage, raised up on her knees. “Okay well this isn’t a position I usually . . .” Judy started.

“You’re wasting precious time, baby. Let me help,” Jen moved her hands to Judy’s ass, making the brunette grunt under her breath. “Come on,” Jen pulled and helped scoot her forward until she was hovering over her face.

Judy was feeling somewhat awkward in this position, but just a little bit too excited to care. Although, she didn’t lower herself until Jen hooked her hands over the tops of her thighs and tugged her downward. 

Judy gasped at the sudden sensation, “ _ Fuck _ ,” she whispered, wishing she had something to grab onto to steady herself. She went for the closest thing she had and reached down, tangling her fingers into Jen’s hair. It wasn’t long before her legs were shaking so hard she wasn’t sure she’d be able to hold herself up any longer. And true to her word, it really  _ did _ only take Jen a few minutes before Judy was coming apart at the seams. “ _ Fuck, fuck, fuck! _ ” Judy whispered, trying not to disturb the house. “Okay, okay okay okay,” she said when she finally couldn’t take it anymore, pushing Jen’s head further into her pillow to stop the continued contact. Jen laughed as Judy climbed off of her with little grace, letting herself fall onto her back and breathing heavily.

“Well,” Jen sat up, trying to wipe her face off with her hands, “we’ve made a mess,” she said as she gave up and picked up her comforter, wiping her chin and mouth with it, “guess I’ll just be doing some laundry tonight.”

“Oh, God,” Judy laughed, throwing her hands over her face. Jen threw her arms up and stretched dramatically before crawling over to Judy, giving her a sloppy kiss that the brunette giggled into, Jen’s hair falling over them both.

When they finally separated Jen pushed her hair back over her had, falling back on her heels. Judy forced herself to sit up, her chest still rising and falling rapidly. “Alright,” Judy panted, “I’m gonna go wash up.” She climbed off the bed and stood shakily, hardly able to walk, but she made it successfully to her robe, which she pulled back on as she made her way into the adjoining bathroom. Jen flipped her pillow over and laid back down, deciding to let herself sleep for another half an hour. 

Judy crept out of the room when she was finished getting ready, careful not to wake Jen. Jen looked precious when she slept, she thought, but waking her would probably be the equivalent of waking a sleeping bear. When she got downstairs she found Henry already awake, about to pour himself a bowl of cereal. Charlie was still asleep, of course, she was even surprised to find Henry awake, she was always the first one up.

“Hey, Henry!” Judy called sweetly, followed by a loud yawn.

“Oh good morning, Judy!” He turned around, setting the box down.

“Hey, how about instead of having cereal, we make some pancakes?”

“Sure!” He said excitedly before putting the box away.

“Great! You can be my mixer, sound good?” She asked as she started pulling ingredients out.

“Okay!”

Jen didn’t make her way downstairs until the two of them were almost done. She found Judy standing in front of the stove with Henry beside her, holding a plate that she was stacking pancakes onto. Henry noticed Jen standing at the threshold of the kitchen, watching them both, a soft smile on her face.

“Oh, hey mom! Look, me and Judy made breakfast!” He said before setting the plate on the island and sitting up on a stool. 

“I can see that, look at you two,” she walked over to Henry and roughed up his hair affectionately, “Good morning, boop.”

“Morning, mom!”

“Good morning, Jen,” Judy turned around and flashed a smile.

“So you two made these together, huh?” 

Judy turned around, leaning against the counter. “Well, it was mostly him, I was just here for moral support.” The two women exchanged a shared smile. 

“Alright, sweetie,” Jen patted Henry’s shoulder, “why don’t you quickly get dressed and wake your brother and then we’ll have breakfast.”

“Okay! Be right back,” he hopped off the stool and ran out of the room, the two of them hearing his loud footsteps as he barreled up the stairs. Judy was at the counter starting to wipe up some of the mess when she felt Jen come up behind her, arms encircling her waist. 

“Oh, hello,” Judy said with a grin.

“Hi,” Jen kissed the side of her head, “thank you.”

Judy moved her arms over Jen’s, leaning back against her, “Please, you’re letting me stay in your house, it’s the least I can do.”

“Not just making breakfast, thanks for being so good to the boys. They really love you, you know.”

_ Do you? _ Judy thought, but she didn’t ask that. “Well I love them too,” Judy said, turning herself in Jen’s embrace just enough to kiss her lips.

“Alright, alright,” Jen finally pulled away, “that’s enough of the lovey-dovey, I’ve gotta leave soon.”

“Mm,” Judy nodded, turning around to face her, “you look really nice today.” She looked Jen up and down, she wore dress pants, heels, and a form-fitting black, button-up blouse.

“Oh,” Jen looked down at herself and back up at Judy, “Seriously? Well, thank you.”

Judy turned around, shaking her head, “Come on, you look hot.”

Jen chuckled, “Okay okay, well you look beautiful in that dress. It’s nice to have some eye candy at breakfast,” Jen punctuated the statement by slapping Judy’s ass, making her jump.

Judy shook her head, laughing, “Yeah  _ thanks _ , so kind,” she said sarcastically, “go sit down and eat your breakfast.”

“Already did,” Jen said suggestively as she stepped away.

“Will you shut it before your  _ children _ come downstairs?” Judy whispered, turning around and playfully whipping Jen with a dish towel, only getting the back of her arm. Jen laughed mockingly as she made her way to the kitchen island, satisfied with her ability to make Judy blush.

Once they finished breakfast and the boys had both gotten on their busses to go to school, Jen and Judy played out their usual morning routine of Jen dropping Judy off at work before driving to her own. Jen usually had her metal music blasting, but she decided to let Judy pick the music this morning. This wasn’t something that ever happened, but Jen was growing softer for Judy by the day, and wanted her to wake up at her own pace. Judy plugged her phone in and did a little bit of digging, trying to make a decision, she settled for “Dream a Little Dream of Me” by The Mamas & The Papas and settled back into her seat. Jen listened as she sang along softly, her heart swooning at the sound. Judy’s voice was precious as it was, but she hadn’t heard her sing before. She wasn’t much of a singer—or maybe she just wasn’t trying right now—but it might’ve been the sweetest sound she’d ever heard. Jen pulled up to a red light, taking the opportunity to steal a glance over at Judy, whose head was swaying rhythmically as she sang, staring out the window. She smiled to herself at the sight, reaching over the console to squeeze Judy’s thigh. Judy grinned, turning towards Jen, who was looking right at her.

“Were you staring at me?” Judy asked, unable to wipe the grin off of her face.

“Yes I was,” Jen squeezed her thigh again.

“Mm,” Judy looked forward, “light’s green, Jen.”

A prolonged beep came from behind them. “ _ Shit _ ,” the car lurched forward, Judy falling into a fit of giggles. 

Judy was still singing along and dancing in her seat when Jen pulled up to her workplace. Jen had already stopped and Judy should have been getting out of the car already, but she hardly noticed. That is, until she saw that Jen was staring at her, “Can I wait until the end of this song? My favorite part hasn’t come on yet.”

Jen shrugged, “Be my guest.”

Judy beamed and kept on singing; “I remember the stupid things, the mood rings, the bracelets and the beads! Nickels and dimes, yours and mine, did you cash in all your dreams?”

Jen watched and chuckled, unable to keep from smiling at Judy while she was in such a happy state of mind.

She pointed at Jen, singing to her, “That girl is like a sunburn, I would like to save!”

Jen rolled her eyes and shook her head still unable to stop from grinning. “You’re awfully chipper today,” Jen said as the song ended.

Judy shrugged, “Well I did get laid last night . . . oh, and this morning too.”

“Really? Are you seeing someone?” Jen snorted.

“Something like that . . . just this woman I live with. It’s nothing serious. Only want her for her body, really.”

“Yeah? Is she hot?”

Judy giggled, “Oh, don’t even get me started.”

Jen tried to resist, but she smiled bashfully, “Alright, alright, you should go before you make us both late.”

Groaning, Judy muttered “Yeah, yeah, I know,” and started to push her door open.

“Okay, babe, have a nice day,” Jen leaned over the console and gave Judy a quick kiss on the lips before sitting back in her seat, as if it was something she did every morning. Both of them were left somewhat dumbfounded by the gesture. It wasn’t what she said or what she did, but the  _ way _ it transpired that was maybe a bit much. It was how she probably would have said goodbye to Ted, so maybe it was a reflex, but she wasn’t  _ married _ to Judy, and she’d just been casual enough about that for it to feel like they’d been together for years.

“Yeah . . . you too, Jen! See you later!” Judy called as she closed the car door behind her. Jen held the steering wheel with both hands and let her head fall onto it. She was convinced she was being too much; her and Judy had only hooked up two nights,—and one morning—that didn’t mean they were in a  _ relationship _ or something. Jen remembered the way she’d acted in Palm Springs in front of that man Judy had talked to, and wondered if she was already holding on too tight to Judy. She was letting her walls down so much faster than she ever did, and this might have been too fast, and might overwhelm Judy, she thought, she was already feeling too much.

She sighed as she pulled out of the parking lot, deciding to continue playing music from her own phone. She considered playing “Paralyzed” by Caliban, one of her personal favorites, but she wasn’t feeling particularly angry right now, which was unlike her. In fact, all she wanted to think about was Judy, so she decided to listen to what Judy had just been singing. “Never Let You Go” by Third Eye Blind blasted over the speakers; a song she would never really choose to play on her own, but she certainly didn’t hate, especially not now.

As it played she realized she knew all of the words, just from hearing it on the radio and elsewhere so many times, she assumed, so she sang along with it. “There’s every good reason for letting you go. She’s sneaky and smoked out, and it’s starting to show.” Jen could see Judy in her head just moments before, bobbing her head along to the beat, her sweet voice singing along with it. She could see the sun lighting up her deep brown eyes and bathing her skin, the little smile lines in her cheeks starting to show out of pure joy. God, she needed to stop thinking like this, she thought, it was getting . . . gross. But she continued to sing along, not letting the image leave her brain.

“I’ll never let you go, I’ll never let you go.”


	3. You Don't Dream for Me, No

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jen finds out Charlie is selling pills; Chris begins to suspect something; Jen and Judy make plans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These are mostly the events of episode 6, except Nick isn't there

“Ooh is that beer? I would love a glass if there’s more.”

“Actually this is Charlie’s pee, I don’t have anymore but I’m sure he could make you some.”

Judy stared back at her, dumbfounded and somewhat disturbed before looking down and inspecting the kit she was using, “Is he on drugs?” she asked, realizing now what Jen was doing.

“I don’t know, but he is definitely selling pills.”

“_ No _,” Judy said in complete disbelief.

“Uh huh. Yup. Turns out Ted was the good parent and I’m the fuckin’ terrible one.”

“Hey,” Judy placed a hand on Jen’s arm, squeezing it comfortingly, “that’s not true. You’re a great mom.”

“Yeah,” Jen scoffed, “and you’re a great liar.”

Judy’s stomach dropped, but she tried to dismiss the thoughts clouding her mind, reminding herself that was _ not _ what Jen was talking about. 

“It’s bad,” Jen said grimly, “it’s like, I’ve been asleep at the wheel.”

“How are you supposed to know what he’s doing? They’re not your pills, right?”

Jen’s eyes widened for a moment, before giving a firm “No.”

The outcome had been that Charlie was _ not _, in fact, on drugs, but that didn’t seem to bring Jen much comfort at all, the only thing that offered any solace was Henry coming through to model his outfits for that night’s recital, something precious enough to warm both of their hearts. Judy hoped the event might be enough to lift Jen’s spirits, because she wasn’t sure she could do that herself today.

Jen shook her head, leaning on the island and gripping the edges so tightly she thought her fingers might break through the wood. “I don’t know what the fuck to do, you know, he could’ve killed a kid. Imagine if he had _ murdered _ someone.” 

Judy shrunk in her seat, that one having hit just a little too close to home, “I think it would be manslaughter.”

“Yeah, but, it would definitely ruin his life. And him carrying around the burden of that?”

Judy shrunk down even further in her stool, her heart racing, “Mm-hmm that’d be heavy,” she tried to say nonchalantly.

“I mean, not to mention the victim’s family. And he doesn’t even give a shit,” Jen shrugged.

Judy twiddled her thumbs, trying not to let herself think. “So what are you gonna do?”

She could tell Jen was thinking, but she didn’t seem to have a plan, just shook her head. “I don’t know. I’d like to make him give a shit. I just have never really had to be the disciplinarian here. I guess I don’t really know what to do.” Judy nodded as Jen spoke, not really wanting to give any input here, having never been a parent. Jen took a deep breath, “I don’t know. Maybe I’ll send him to that support group with Pastor Wayne. I’m sure that’ll be torture.”

Judy shrugged, “Hey, that’s something. Anything you think will help. I think the most important thing is just that he can’t sell anymore, right? As long as you know he doesn’t have anything else. I mean, do you know where he got the pills from?”

Jen paused for a moment, she thought she might know, but she couldn’t say for sure, and she wasn’t ready to come to terms with that, not now. Jen bit her tongue, “No, I don’t know.”

“Well he doesn’t have anymore, right?”

Jen let out an exasperated sigh and leaned forward on her elbows. “Honestly, I guess I don’t know that for sure. _ Shit. _ What do you think I should do?”

“I mean, I don’t really know, I—“

“Should I look? Is that, like, wrong?”

Judy winced, she thought Jen was right, but as she was trying to get Charlie to warm up to her she felt uncomfortable encouraging anything that might upset him. In the end she realized as the adult she should probably put his safety ahead of her own self interest, so she shook her head, “I mean, no. Not if it’s out of concern for his safety, I don’t think so.”

Jen nodded, “You’re right. And what am I saying? I’m his fucking mother. I know best.”

Judy nodded, “Right.”

Jen huffed, frustrated. “I just don’t know what the fuck I did wrong, you know? Shit like this didn’t happen while Ted was around.”

Wrapping her fingers around Jen’s forearm, Judy tilted her head sympathetically, “Jen, this isn’t your fault. He’s a kid, and he went through something traumatic. No fourteen year old is gonna walk away from something like that perfectly fine.”

Jen closed her eyes and nodded slowly, trying to convince herself that all of this wasn’t her own fault, but if it was Ted’s death that was affecting him, that was only more of a reason to blame herself. But Judy didn’t know that; Judy had no idea Jen might have been part of the reason he was hit in the first place, so she went along. “I mean I guess you’re right.”

“You can’t expect him to be totally okay after that, right? And I’m sure the other parents understand. You know, it’s scary being a kid.”

Jen nodded, then scoffed, chuckling somewhat, “Not for the kid who found him.”

Judy’s eyes widened, her whole body tensing up. “Wait, sorry, a _ child _ found him?”

“Yeah, Shandy Adams, she’s a classmate of Henry’s. She was walking to school.”

“So she’s _ ten? _” Judy could hardly hide the guilt in her voice, her leg was bouncing rapidly in an attempt to keep herself from shaking.

“Nine,” Jen corrected her, “and she was perfectly fine. She even went to school the next day. And she’s been fine ever since as far as I know.”

That brought _ some _ relief to Judy, but she really didn’t feel any better. She hadn’t even considered the person who found Ted. Someone had to have come across what she’d left behind. She felt a stabbing pain in her chest at the thought of a nine year old coming across . . . whatever the aftermath looked like. _ But she’s okay, right? Jen said she was fine, _ Judy thought. Judy swallowed, “I think when you’re younger it’s easier to bounce back,” she said, trying to reassure Jen that Charlie’s reaction to all of this wasn’t her fault.

“I guess,” Jen shrugged, “but we should probably get ready and head to the recital now. Might be able to get barrier if we get there early enough.”

Judy got up from her stool, “Yeah? Hey do you think there’ll be a mosh pit?”

“Oh for sure,” Jen shook her head and chuckled, making her way out of the kitchen “come on,” she waved Judy along.

When they arrived they quickly found Chris, who had saved three seats for them. He greeted them all, saying hi to Judy and Charlie with lackluster enthusiasm. Judy was still unsure if Chris liked her or not, but she was always over-the-top kind to him, knowing he was an important part of Jen’s life and wanting his approval. He seemed skeptical of their closeness, which became even more evident that night.

Jen sat between the two, mindlessly applying chapstick and watching the stage. Judy knew her eyes probably should have been on the stage, but she was somewhat distracted by all of the focus being put on Jen’s lips, which her eyes were glued to. Chris could apparently sense her staring in his general direction because he turned towards her, the two of them making accidental eye contact before Judy quickly turned her attention back to the stage. Chris didn’t bother, still watching from the corner of his eye when Judy tapped Jen lightly and asked if she could use some. “Sure,” Jen whispered, applying it to her lips one more time before handing it to Judy, still open. Judy took her time applying it—liking the idea of it having just been on Jen’s lips—and handed it back. Chris, who had been watching the entire time, widened his eyes and raised his eyebrows, then quickly turned back to the stage. Judy felt an immediate discomfort fall over her. He _ knew, _ of course he knew, she thought, he probably already had his suspicions when Jen asked Judy to move in after only knowing her for a couple of weeks, and it seemed he’d just confirmed it for himself. Judy took a deep breath and let herself settle back into her seat, taking comfort in knowing Jen was probably oblivious to his epiphany.

__________

The night had been a lot more eventful than Judy had expected; she thought they’d get home early in the evening and have time to settle in and relax, but between Charlie and Henry the night had been a mess of hysteria. They were stuck at the school far longer than expected because of a complete outburst from Henry in the middle of the recital and Jen needing to meet with his teacher—which at least gave Judy the opportunity to speak to Shandy, but that was beside the point. If that wasn’t already enough, Jen had gone through Charlie’s things to make sure he didn’t have anymore pills, only to find something worse. 

They had both migrated to the guest house now, Jen laying on Judy’s bed while Judy sat on the floor against it, both with a glass of white wine. This wasn’t an uncommon nighttime ritual for them, but the conversation was usually lighter.

“It’s just crazy that you can live in the same house as someone and have no idea what they’re going through,” Jen said with a sigh, moving to lay on her back.

Judy had trouble swallowing the sip she had just taken, feeling her stomach drop yet again with guilt. She took in a shaky breath and kept her silence. 

“Hey,” Jen rolled back towards Judy, face turned towards the top of her head

Judy squeezed her eyes tight and opened them again, trying to put on a calm expression while Jen still couldn’t see her face. After a cleansing breath, she leaned her head back against the bed again. “Hm?”

Jen leaned forward and laid a soft kiss on Judy’s bangs, which brought a serene smile to her face; a real one. “Why don’t you come up here and join me?” 

Judy’s smile grew a bit more at that, “Let me just finish this,” she took a long sip of her wine, wanting it out of the way. Once they both finished, Judy took Jen’s glass and set it aside with her own, climbing onto the bed.

“Hi,” Judy said sweetly as she positioned herself face-to-face with Jen.

“Hi,” Jen chuckled, reaching out to push Judy’s hair behind her ear, “sorry about all the chaos today.”

“Oh, don’t be sorry. _ I’m _sorry for the day you’ve had.”

“Thanks but hey, it’s not _ your _ fault.”

Judy didn’t say anything, just bit her tongue nervously.

“But thanks for being here. And coming to see Henry, he was really excited that you were coming. I’m sure a fourth grade recital was the _ first _place you wanted to be tonight.”

Judy chuckled, “Oh, come on. You know I love kids, especially yours, of course I would be there.”

Jen smiled before scooting coser, tucking herself into Judy’s arms and hiding her face in the curve of her neck. Judy pulled her in close, never needing any prompting when she knew Jen needed comfort, and she’d had a royally shitty day.

“I’m so tired,” Jen sighed, her voice muffled against Judy’s body.

“I know,” Judy rubbed her back softly, “do you wanna go to bed?”

Jen nodded against her, “But can we stay here a little longer?”

“Of course. We can sleep out here tonight? If you want?”

Jen nodded again, “Yeah. I don’t feel like walking all the way to my room.”

“Okay,” Judy whispered, giving her a squeeze. The two of them laid like that until Judy could feel Jen starting to doze off, “Hey,” Judy whispered, “Jen.”

“Mmm?” Jen mumbled.

“You gotta get up, come on, you don’t wanna sleep in this,” Judy said, tugging on the material of Jen’s blouse.

Jen groaned sleepily, “Yeah, yeah, I guess.” The two of them sat up, Jen trying to rub the sleep from her eyes, “Got something for me to wear?”

“Of course,” Judy said as she stood from the bed, pulling a kimono from her dresser for herself, searching for something for Jen. 

“Do you need me to unzip your dress for you?” Jen asked, the sleepiness in her voice masking the flirtatious tone she was going for.

Judy laughed, “Jen, this dress doesn’t even have a zipper.’

“Oh. _ Well,” _she shrugged it off, only mildly embarrassed, and came up behind Judy. “I can still help,” she bunched Judy’s dress up to her waist and waited for Judy to raise up her arms before pulling it up and over her head. Jen let her arms encircle Judy’s waist.

“Mmm,” Judy turned around in Jen’s embrace, “thank you,” she said with a grin, starting to unbutton Jen’s blouse which, evidently, she had nothing on underneath. “And I have something for you to wear,” she slid Jen’s shirt off her shoulders before she turned around and grabbed a T-shirt from her dresser, holding it open for Jen to see that it was her Friends of Heaven grief retreat shirt.

Jen chuckled, “Well this brings back fond memories.”

“Mm, it does,” Judy agreed.

“Like remember that time I came back to our hotel room and you were—“

“_ No! _ ” Judy crumpled up the shirt slightly and hit Jen with it. Jen threw her hands up protectively, laughing. “Do _ not _ talk about that!” Judy said sternly, laughing even though her cheeks were turning bright red.

“Alright, alright. I won’t talk about it,” Jen said, still laughing. “But I’m just saying . . . we _ could _hit up a gay bar together.”

Judy hit her again, her face burning, “Shut up!”

“I’m serious,” Jen chuckled, taking the shirt from Judy’s hands, “I think it’d be super fun.”

Judy chewed her lip, considering it. “I mean, maybe, but we’re not fucking in the bathroom.”

“Mm,” Jen leaned against her, Judy’s back pushed up against the dresser, “but aren’t we?”

Judy giggled, “Not sure if you’re kidding or not.”

Jen smirked, “Free Saturday night?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't help but think Chris would immediately suspect that Jen and Judy were fucking. Also, they will finally be going to a gay club together in the next chapter.


	4. Don't Forget Who's Taking You Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jen and Judy finally hit up that gay bar

Judy wasn’t all too surprised to find that Jen  _ wasn’t _ kidding about wanting to go to a gay bar with her that Saturday night; Jen had adjusted her schedule accordingly, even had Lorna take the kids so they didn’t have to worry about what time they got home. The two of them got ready together, Jen in tight black slacks and a blazer over a light, and somewhat transparent, low-cut blouse, and Judy wore a short, flowy, navy blue dress that ended well-above her knee, significantly shorter than what she usually wore.

When the two of them arrived, the club was already crowded and the night in full swing. As they made their way to the bar the thought they might’ve been two of the oldest people there, but the closer they got to the bar itself, the less alone they were. Although, once they were out on the dance floor they knew they’d be surrounded by twenty-somethings.

Jen had already made eye contact with a few women, most of which she’d caught staring at Judy, probably because of the length of her dress if not her resting-sweetheart-face. She completely understood, of course, she’d be staring at Judy too if she saw her walk in here, but it still started a small fire inside of her. Catching a woman—clearly single and very clearly gay—looking Judy up and down, she grabbed Judy’s hand and tugged her closer. “Don’t wanna lose you in the crowd,” Jen muttered.

Judy had hardly noticed; she was oblivious to people making eyes at her, and oblivious to Jen’s reaction. The two of them ordered a few drinks and sucked them down before they headed to the dance floor. They mostly stayed within their own bubble while they drank, not caring to make any friends tonight. The two of them drank about the same amount, but it was only Judy who put on a buzz, proving herself to be as much of a lightweight as Jen suspected.

Once they’d made it to the dance floor, they realized they probably  _ were _ the oldest ones on it, the majority looking to be about twenty-one. Jen nudged Judy as they walked, “How come everyone here is like fourteen?”

Judy laughed, “ _ You’re  _ the one who picked this place.”

“Well it’s not like I frequent gay clubs,” Jen snorted.

“Maybe you should start.”

Jen laughed and shook her head, “Come on,” she tugged Judy along by the hand until she found an open-enough space, immediately getting into the flow of the music. She moved her eyes to Judy, grinning at her while she moved awkwardly, rocking and stepping in place. “Come on, Jude, you’re on a dance floor,  _ dance! _ ” She moved her hands to Judy’s hips, pressing their bodies together and guiding Judy’s hips to move with her own.

“You’re just intimidating, okay!” She yelled over the music, “I’m not a dancer!”

Jen laughed, “You can be!”

Judy felt insecure when she compared her own dancing to Jen’s, but she started to care less as Jen’s hands kept a firm grip on her hips and did most of the work for her. She loosened up more and more as the music picked up, letting Jen twirl her and turning around to back into her, Jen grinding against her from behind.

Judy was still facing away from Jen when the song ended, and happened to make eye contact with a woman who looked to be about thirty wearing a muscle tank. The woman gave Judy a small nod which she immediately regretted returning, because the woman was coming towards her.

“Hey,” she said as she stepped up to Judy, “mind if I steal you for a dance?” she looked up at Jen as well, seeming to ask permission.

Judy’s heart thumped a little harder in her chest, not sure how Jen would feel about this. “Umm . . .” she turned around to face the blonde, “Jen?”

Jen shrugged, “If you want,” she turned her head from Judy to the other woman, “as long as you return her after.”

“Will you be okay by yourself?” Judy asked.

Jen chuckled, “I think I’ll be just fine, you enjoy yourself.” It was difficult parting with Judy, yes, but she by no means wanted to hold her back. Jen knew Judy was coming home with her tonight, so what did it matter? As long as they knew Judy was hers. To make that fact clear, she wrapped her arms around the small of Judy’s back and pulled her into an open-mouthed kiss, making sure the people around her saw. She could feel Judy going almost limp in her arms, more flustered than she’d expected. But Jen cut it off with a casual “Have fun!”

Judy was blushing when she turned back to the other woman, mouthing “Sorry.”

At first Jen was by herself, left only to watch the two of them, but she quickly gained a partner herself. He was probably about twenty-two and had bleached hair and short overalls with no shirt under them. If there was one specific  _ type _ that was in this club, he was definitely the embodiment of it. After seeing the way Jen could move he came over and joined her, keeping up with her a lot better than Judy could. She was thoroughly enjoying herself, but she did keep glancing over at Judy, afraid she’d lose her in the crowd. Her partner seemed to notice because he looked over at her too to see if he was missing something, but he quickly recognized that this was the woman she’d been with a moment before. “Hey!” he leaned towards Jen, slowing down his dancing, “That your wife?”

Jen laughed at the question, finding it ridiculous at first, but then she realized it didn’t matter what she said to this kid, he didn’t know her anyways. “Yeah, it is!” she yelled over the music.

“Well good for you, sweetie! She is gorgeous!”

Jen nodded, “I know she is!”

As the song was coming to an end, he danced his way back to his group of friends, but not without stopping to say something to Judy. Jen could tell he was talking to her, but had no idea what he was saying, just saw Judy’s eyebrows shoot up at whatever the comment was. When the song finally cut out Judy had made her way back. Jen smirked at her, “Have fun with your new girlfriend?”

“Oh ha ha,” she returned Jen’s smirk and crossed her arms, “Not too much fun. Might’ve gotten me in trouble with my  _ wife _ .”

Jen tilted her head to the side curiously, awaiting an explanation.

“Your new friend over there told me my wife couldn’t take her eyes off of me.”

Jen could feel her cheeks starting to heat up, she pulled Judy up against her, “Weird. I wonder who he was referring to.”

Judy laughed and shook her head, “I can’t believe you seriously—”

Jen cut her off, pointing to her own ear, “Sorry! Can’t hear you over the music!” She started dancing again, encouraging Judy to join her, and Judy hesitated, still shaking her head. “Come on!” Jen took Judy by the hips again and reigned her in, not without reaching back and giving her a hard pat on the ass, promptly grabbing onto it as they danced on each other.

Judy tried to keep from grinning when she stared up at Jen, but she couldn’t help it. The sensation of Jen’s body rubbing up against hers was getting to be too much. It was hard to focus on dancing herself when Jen was so distracting, she kept finding herself frozen, staring, especially when Jen turned around and backed into her, hair whipping and hips rolling. Judy grabbed onto her hips from behind, letting Jen’s ass grind up against the front of her dress until she couldn’t take it anymore. “Jen!” she yelled over the music.

“What’s up?” Jen asked as she turned back to face her.

Judy stared Jen up and down—her messy hair making her look infinitely more sexy—and bit down on her bottom lip. She locked eyes with Jen and raised her eyebrows, cocking her head to the right.

Jen looked off in that direction to try to figure out what she was gesturing towards, only to find the ladies room. She was in disbelief, about to say “ _ No, _ seriously?” but she stopped herself. When else would an opportunity like this arise? 

Taking Judy by the hand, Jen tugged her along to the bathroom, turning back at her to throw her a devious grin. Judy could already feel her face heating up, as well as a few other things, as she let herself be pulled along. When they got into the ladies’ room, the last person there had just left, which was perfect timing.

“You sure?” Jen asked softly.

“Mm,” Judy nodded, chewing her bottom lip, “I need you  _ right now. _ Fuck me.”

Now it was Jen’s turn to feel the heat, those words making her unbelievably weak; she thought they might have to mop her up off the floor tonight if Judy kept talking to her like that. “Well,” Jen pushed her back until they were inside a stall, closing and locking the door behind her.

Immediately Judy could feel her back hitting the cold metal of the door, Jen’s lips assaulting her own. She was already moaning into Jen’s mouth even though she’d hardly started touching her. Remembering Judy’s fantasy, Jen grabbed both of Judy’s wrists, which had been at her side, and shoved them up over her head, effectively pinning them against the door, kissing her harder. Judy’s hips sunk noticeably, sliding down somewhat as her legs had already turned to jelly. Jen brought Judy’s wrists together, removing one of her own hands from the equation and holding Judy by both of her tiny wrists with one hand. That was more than enough restraint since Judy wasn’t really trying to resist. Jen’s free hand made its way to the inner side of Judy’s knee, pressing their bodies together swiftly before letting her hand climb up Judy’s inner thigh. Wedging a foot between Judy’s, she gently nudged them outward, forcing Judy’s legs open just a little wider, which made her breath pick up even more. As Jen’s hand found its way up she let their bodies separate only long enough for her to grab the bottom of Judy’s dress and yank it upward, exposing the white lace panties she’d worn for tonight and eliciting a gasp from Judy against her own mouth. Pressing their bodies back together, Jen’s hand shoved its way under the fabric roughly, only to find that Judy was more than ready. Judy whimpered into Jen’s mouth in reaction to the rough and sudden touch.

At a certain point, the fact that Jen’s body was pressed up against hers was the only thing keeping Judy standing. Jen pushed up against her even harder, seeming to know she was the only thing keeping her up.

From behind her, Judy heard a lone person enter the bathroom, only to immediately turn around and leave. Judy couldn’t help but giggle against Jen’s mouth, somewhat embarrassed but not lost on the humor of the situation. She stopped giggling when Jen’s lips made their way to her neck, peppering kisses down and back up to the sensitive skin just behind her ear, nipping at her earlobe along the way. Jen’s fingers had now found the perfect rhythm and she knew she wouldn’t last much longer. “ _ Fuck, _ Jen,” she whispered, wanting to grab onto something to ride this out, but her hands were still restrained.

The pressure of Jen’s body could barely hold her up anymore and she thought she might collapse, slipping further and further. Showing a bit of mercy, Jen let go of Judy’s wrists and guided them over her own shoulders, letting them wrap around the back of her neck. She took her now-free arm and wrapped it around Judy’s waist, both holding her up and giving herself more leverage to pick up her speed. Judy held onto Jen’s neck tightly, as if she were a life preserver, and let her head fall onto her shoulder as her legs—and then entire body—began to shake. “ _ Fuck! _ ” she whispered into Jen’s ear, her whole body convulsing. She sucked in a breath and didn’t let it out until Jen’s hand had made its way out of her panties, “Fuck . . .” she whispered again.

Jen wrapped both arms around her, keeping her balanced while Judy was panting against her shoulder, heart pounding. When Judy’s head finally lifted from Jen’s shoulder, they found each other’s lips, Judy kissing Jen sloppily. Neither of them wanted to separate, and they let their kiss deepen, sinking into each other. They let it go on and on, not wanting to let go of each other, until another person opened the bathroom door and immediately left, having seen two pairs of feet under one stall door. The two of them finally separated, laughing with a little bit of embarrassment.

“Okay, we have to get out of here,” Jen said.

Judy let her head fall back onto Jen’s shoulder, sighing, “Take me home?”

“Okay, baby,” Jen said softly, kissing Judy’s temple. “Come on,” she reached behind Judy and opened the stall door; Judy moved in the direction of the door while Jen made her way towards the sinks. 

“Oh. Right,” Judy said as she waited for Jen to wash her hands. 

“Come here,” Jen laughed as she finished drying her hands.

Judy made her way to Jen, wondering if she was looking for a kiss, but instead she put an arm on Judy’s back and pointed towards the two of them in the mirror, “Look,” Jen snickered teasingly. Judy saw that the whole front of her dress was still bunched up, her underwear almost fully on display. Jen was already fixing it the moment she saw, but she still blushed at the prospect of having almost left the bathroom looking like that. “You need to wake up,” Jen laughed. “Alright, let's go,” she wrapped an arm around Judy’s waist as she led the two of them out, ordering an Uber on her phone. Neither of them had wanted to be the designated driver tonight. 

When they climbed into their respective seats in the back of the car, Judy scooted over to the middle seat, buckling herself in there instead. Jen smiled softly at her, knowing she wasn’t looking, and wrapped an arm over her shoulders, letting Judy’s body lean against her own. 

Their driver spoke up as the car pulled out; “I have an auxiliary cord back there if either of you wanna play your own music.”

“Oh that’s ok—“

Judy cut Jen off, “Thanks, I think I will, actually.” Judy pulled her phone from her purse and plugged it in. “I have a song for us,” she whispered to Jen as she scrolled through her music, locking the screen the moment she picked. Jen immediately recognized the song as “Save the Last Dance for Me” by the Drifters; Judy seemed to like a lot of 60’s classics. But as the song began, she let her head fall onto Jen’s shoulder, the last thing she heard from the speakers before drifting off being “Don’t forget who’s taking you home and in whose arms you’re gonna be. So darling, save the last dance for me.”

Jen let her head rest on Judy’s, listening to her slow breaths as she slept soundly on her shoulder, praying that they didn’t hit any bumps or potholes that might wake her, even knowing she’d have to wake her once they arrived.

“Judy,” Jen whispered as they pulled up to her house— _ their _ house. “Judy, babe. Wake up,” she said softly, rubbing Judy’s shoulder a little more rapidly.

“Mm?” Judy mumbled sleepily as she lifted her head.

“We’re home, you gotta wake up,” Jen reached between the two of them and unbuckled Judy.

Judy nodded slowly, seeming to understand. The two of them climbed out after Jen thanked the driver, Judy barely able to stand. She wrapped both arms around Jen and leaned on her for support as they walked. 

Judy groaned loudly when they got inside and reached the stairs. “Ugh, I can’t,” Judy let her head fall against Jen, “carry me?”

Jen scoffed, “I’m not  _ carrying  _ you, you’re a grown ass woman.”

Judy whined against her shoulder, wrapping her arms around Jen’s neck, “But I’m so tired,” she complained.

“Seriously?” Jen huffed. Judy nodded sleepily, letting her head rest against Jen’s chest. “Fine,” Jen slipped her arm under Judy’s legs—the other already around her upper back—and scooped her up. Judy gasped slightly, not actually expecting her to do it.

“Bridal style, hm?” Judy nuzzled her Jen’s chest, “Hey, you know what that reminds me of?”

“Shut up,” Jen murmured, making her way up the stairs.

“Our wedding day, remember? Seems like you remember it better than I do.”

“Do you want me to drop you?”

Judy giggled, squeezing her tighter just in case she was serious. “Why’d you tell him that?”

Jen shrugged, “He  _ asked _ if you were my wife. Why’s it matter? We’ll never see that kid again.”

“So you just said yes?” Judy laughed, “How cute.”

“I hate you,” Jen shook her head, pushing her room door open with her foot as she made her way in.

“You are  _ so  _ into me,” Judy said teasingly.

Jen had  _ planned  _ to set Judy gently onto the bed, but after that we comment, she got  _ thrown  _ onto the bed. 

Judy shrieked, “ _ Hey!” _

“No  _ shit _ I’m into you,” she patted the bed, “Hey. I’m gonna go get ready for bed. You should too.”

“Mm,” Judy groaned, laying face down.

Jen rolled her eyes, leaving to wash her face and brush her teeth. When she came back to change, Judy was still in her dress, laying on her stomach. Jen sighed and shook her head, changing into sweatpants and a comfortable shirt. 

“Jude,” she came and sat on the side of the bed, “Come on,” she reached over and gave her a soft pat on the backside, “get up.”

Judy groaned, “Noooo.”

Jen sighed, “You’re gonna get your eye makeup all over my sheets.”

“Mmm, I’ll wash them later.”

“No you won’t. Come on, get out of this dress.” Jen moved a hand up Judy’s back, grabbing onto her zipper and dragging it all the way down, surprised to find that Judy had gone braless tonight, but that wasn’t important right now.

“ _ Ooh _ , okay,” Judy mumbled suggestively.

Jen shook her head, “Help me out here.” Judy rolled over onto her back, allowing Jen to pull her sleeves from her arms and drag it down until it was bunched around her waist. Judy raised her hips off the bed just long enough for Jen to tug it the rest of the way off.

Judy hummed contentedly, happy to be out of the restrictive dress. Jen got up to find her something to wear to bed. “Hey,” Judy muttered.

“What?”

“You made out with me before you let me dance with that girl.”

Jen had just reached the closet, and she turned around. “Yeah, I did. So?” 

“You were marking your territory.”

“Huh? I was not. I just wanted to kiss you,” Jen tried to brush it off, turning back to the closet to dig out one of the many robes Judy had hung in there. 

“You so were! You might as well have peed all over me,” Judy teased.

Jen huffed, shaking her head as she made her way back, “Well, fine then, is there something wrong with letting people know you came there with  _ me?” _

“And telling people I’m your wife . . .”

“ _ One _ person,” Jen corrected her, as if it made any difference. “He was a stranger. Why does it matter? And sit up.”

Judy sat up sleepily, Jen’s tone being a little too stern for her to refuse.

She let Jen slip the sleeves onto her arms and pull the robe up over her shoulders, Judy helping minimally. “It doesn’t matter,” Judy said as Jen’s arms came around her to tie the garment shut, “I was just pointing it out.” Judy scooted back and propped some pillows up against Jen’s headboard, sitting back against them.

Jen sighed, not saying anything in return, and made her way to her bathroom, coming back with her container of makeup wipes. She sat on the edge of the bed, facing towards Judy. “Okay,” she pulled out a wipe and started wiping off Judy’s lipstick, Judy not really protesting, “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I just, haven’t had feelings for a new person in so long that I guess I just . . . need some time to adjust. So if I’m coming on too strong . . . I don’t mean to,” she was now wiping foundation from Judy’s cheek and nose, Judy enjoying her gentle touch.

“Don’t be sorry. You didn’t make me uncomfortable,” Judy sighed, “I just wanted to know . . . what that meant.”

“Close your eyes,” Jen instructed, starting to wipe away Judy’s mascara. She wanted Judy’s eyes closed partly because she knew she wouldn’t be able to say what she wanted to say with Judy staring into her eyes the way she just was. Her heart was pounding before she even opened her mouth to speak. “Listen, Judy, I like you. Like  _ really _ like you. I mean more than just . . . a casual sort of thing. It’s more than just sex for me, and it’s okay if that doesn’t go both ways, but it would be really nice if—“

Judy grabbed Jen’s wrist, pulling her hand away from her eyelids so she could open them and latch onto to the emeralds that stared back at her. “I really like you too. And it’s . . . more than just that for me too.”

Jen searched Judy’s eyes for any hint of insincerity, and found none.

Jen closed her eyes and nodded, breathing a sigh of relief, “Well, Jesus, that is good to hear. That would’ve been really mortifying if—“

“Hey,” Judy whispered, cutting her off, “hey,” she moved a hand to the back of Jen’s neck, getting Jen to open her eyes and look back into her own before she pulled her in for a tender kiss.

“Okay,” Jen said when they finally parted, “I should be putting you to bed, you’re falling asleep sitting up.” 

Judy nodded, her eyes half shut. 

“Alright,” Jen circled the bed, getting in next to her, “get some sleep, honey,” she lifted the blanket for Judy to scoot under and inched her way over next to her.

“Okay,” Judy mumbled, crawling her way up to Jen’s chest, resting her head on it. Jen wrapped both arms around her, holding Judy securely as she drifted off in her embrace.


	5. And in Whose Arms You're Gonna Be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shandy gives Jen a piece of the car that hit Ted; Judy realizes she has no choice but to go to Steve for help.

“Wh-what is that?” Judy stammered nervously, heart pounding. At this point, anyone showing up at Jen’s door unannounced was cause for an immediate panic attack. There were two figures in the doorway, the smaller one she quickly recognized to be Shandy; the nine year old girl she’d met days before, the other she’d quickly surmised to be her mother.

The mother spoke up, “I think it’s maybe a piece of a headlight?”

Judy froze in place, the rest of whatever conversation was happening completely fading out as she stepped backwards. So many thoughts were rushing through her head, her face getting so hot with blood she thought it might explode. The pain in her stomach grew more intense by the second, nausea building up within her. She knew she had to get out of this room now, so she ran to the bathroom as quickly as she could. Just barely making it in time, she clung to the toilet seat and wretched, emptying the contents of her stomach. This happened multiple times, to the point where she thought she might pass out on the floor; and she almost let herself, until she heard Jen knocking on the door. “Hey. Jude? Are you okay in there?”

“Um, yeah! I-I’m fine!” she called back, relieved that she’d locked the door.

“Are you throwing up in there?”

“Shit,” Judy whispered to herself, realizing it was probably easy to tell given that she’d _ run _ to the bathroom, not to mention Jen could probably smell it. “Yeah . . .” Judy admitted, cringing.

“Do you need something? Some water?” she heard Jen try to turn the doorknob, only to find it locked.

“No no, I’m okay! You don’t have to take care of me, I’m all good!”

“I’m getting you some water,” Jen stated.

“Fuck,” Judy muttered when she could no longer hear Jen’s footsteps. She curled up in a ball on the floor, shaking and shivering from the all-consuming anxiety. 

It took Jen longer than she’d expected to come back, but she picked herself up off the floor, staggering to the door, so lightheaded that her vision was fuzzy. Judy opened the door just a crack, smiling in an attempt to appear much less miserably sick than she was. Jen was holding a glass of water in one hand and Judy’s toothbrush and toothpaste in the other. “I thought you might wanna get the taste out of your mouth, and I don’t know if you can make it upstairs, so.”

“Thank you, Jen,” Judy said gratefully, trying to smile bigger. She took all three items from Jen’s hands, setting them on the sink. “Seriously, thank you so much, but I’m totally fine.”

Jen raised an eyebrow at her, clearly not believing her. “Let me see,” she raised her arm up, touching the back of her hand to Judy’s head the way only a mother would, “Sweetie, you’re burning up,” Judy could hear the concern in her voice, her maternal instinct kicking in, which only made Judy panic more. It wasn’t that Judy didn’t _ want _ Jen to take care of her, but that she knew she didn’t deserve her sympathy, especially now. 

“I’m fine, Jen,” Judy took Jen by the wrist and pulled the hand from her forehead, “It’s alright, you don’t need to take care of me. Don’t worry about it, okay? I’m sure it’s just something I ate.”

Jen sighed sadly, trying to hide the pout in her lips, feeling somewhat hurt that Judy didn’t want her help. “Okay . . . you just wanna be left alone?”

“Well just for a little bit! I’ll be out soon, okay?”

Jen sighed and nodded, “Okay. If you need me just yell for me and I’ll be right there.”

“Okay. Thank you.” Judy shut the door and immediately laid back down on the floor, letting out the shaky sobs she’d been working so hard to hold back. The kinder Jen was to her the worse it hurt. But she told herself she could do this. She could get through this night like nothing was wrong, and then get rid of that car.

__________

Upon opening her storage unit and finding it empty, Judy’s heart stopped. Not only because she had no idea of the whereabouts of the car, but because she knew she’d have to go to Steve to find out. And she wasn’t ready to face him, not right now. She knew she’d have to go behind Jen’s back to do that; lie about her whereabouts, the thought made her heart twist in her chest. _ I’m doing this to protect her, _ she told herself. Jen had grown too attached, and she couldn’t ruin her life all over again; she couldn’t break her heart. This had all gone too far, and there was no turning back. She was almost sure Jen had fallen in love with her and she _ knew _ she loved Jen, and was maybe falling in love herself. 

__________

It felt almost shameful to enter Steve’s place of work at this point, but she was given no choice. She came bursting into his office, only to find that he was in the midst of a meeting, if you’d even call it that. Judy was thoroughly annoyed to find that the car had been left at Steve’s mother’s house, she knew in that moment she’d have to go there herself, whether he liked it or not.

__________

Jen thought she could handle looking at the photos, she _ really _did, but the very sight made her sick to her stomach, more so than she’d ever felt. As her breath picked up and she felt herself becoming severely lightheaded, her vision starting to blur, she realized she was having a panic attack. 

Detective Perez could see it in her face, “Miss Harding? Are you alright Miss Harding?”

Jen looked up at her, feeling unable to talk. “Yeah I just . . . I need some air,” it was apparent in her eyes that she wasn’t there, she couldn’t look at Detective Perez, she was looking straight through her, speaking as if she were reading her words from a TelePrompTer. Jen was out of the room as quickly as she could be, once she made it out she fell against the wall, trying to steady her breathing, but she only continued to hyperventilate, thinking she might pass out in the middle of the station. 

Once she got outside for some fresh air, she hardly felt any better, deciding getting into her car was the most privacy she could possibly get. There was only one person she knew might be able to console her right now, might actually understand and find a way to make her feel better than she did. So she pulled out her phone, and she dialed Judy.

__________

“Pick it up, tell her I said hi,” Steve said nonchalantly.

“No! I mean, I don’t know, I want to, but no. No, I can’t! What if she already knows? What if they already put the piece through the scanner?”

“Scanner doesn’t scare me. Would you calm down?” He went on to explain that his father was “buddies” with the sheriff and that the cops in Laguna were “beach town cops” and not to be taken seriously. But his words were bringing her no comfort. They already had a piece of the car and it could already be too late.

“They have technology.”

“Judy. If they can trace _ these _ parts to a junkyard in Rosarito with one little piece of a car, then hats off to them, I will turn myself in.”

“Stop it,” Judy blurted out. He was getting far too cocky about getting away with this and it was becoming unsettling, she was afraid his carelessness might be her downfall.

“I’m taking care of it, okay?” he said reassuringly, but Judy wasn’t feeling reassured in the slightest, in fact, her stomach was in knots. “I’m seeing everything from the outside and I’m ten moves ahead, I promise.” _ No you’re not, _ Judy thought. “I’m not gonna let anything happen to you,” he added. The statement still wasn’t reassuring, but she was grateful.

“Okay, thank you. But we really need to do it today. We don’t know how fast things are gonna start moving.”

Steve sighed, “I’ve got meetings back to back all day, my morning’s already ruined.”

A little spark of anger flared inside Judy at that last comment; _ sorry for being such an inconvenience, _ she thought. But she went on to say she would do this herself, and was fully prepared to, as long as she was shown how. It wasn’t until he realized how worried she was that he decided he would cancel all of his meetings and help her.

“Thank you,” she said in a sigh of relief.

“There you go,” he placed a screwdriver in her hand, stepping closer to rub her shoulder affectionately.

Her shoulder tensed up immediately at the contact; it was so familiar but now, it was somewhat repulsive. “I’m seeing someone,” she blurted out, raising her eyebrows at him as a warning.

“That’s great. I’m super happy for you,” he pulled his hand away and backed up.

__________

“Do I _ fucking look okay _ , you vapid _ fucking _ twat!?”

__________

Judy helped lift large pieces of the car one at a time into the back of Steve’s truck, a monotonous but necessary process. “Hang on,” she said after they loaded another piece, making them both stop to check her phone, she looked down to find five missed calls from Jen, and two texts, one that said “Judy? Where are you?” And another half an hour later that only contained question marks. Judy wanted to call back, she wanted to so badly, but she was so afraid. If Jen already knew, it was all over; not just with Jen, her whole life was over. Even knowing ignoring Jen’s calls wouldn’t stop that—only delay it—she couldn’t pick it up, not yet. Sighing, she locked her phone and set it back down.

“Hey,” she started, “Do you remember that time we went to the petrified forest?”

Steve looked up, thinking for a moment before they picked up another piece, “Yeah.”

“Okay. Do you remember the sign that said if you take any of these rocks, you’re gonna have bad luck for the rest of your life?”

He paused before saying “Yeah. I kinda remember that.”

“Okay. Well, I never told you, but I heard a radio show about that. About how these people who had taken these rocks sent them back years later with letters saying ‘my life has fallen apart’, or ‘my wife left me’, or ‘I lost my job’. And they all attribute it to stealing a rock from that place.” Steve stared at her, seeming like he knew what she was about to ask, which only made her more sure that he had done it. “Did you steal one of those rocks?”

“Oh, come on! That’s such bullshit. Really? It’s just people blaming their crappy lives on something else. Perspective, Judy. It’s important. Perspective and mindset,” from the condescending way in which he spoke, she already knew he had taken one.

“Okay. Fine. But did you take one?”

“I mean, I remember wanting to, but no, I didn’t take one.”

“Okay . . .” She didn’t believe him in the slightest, but she had no proof to accuse him otherwise, so she dropped it. Before she picked up another piece, she checked her phone again, hoping to see a text that would convince her that Jen didn’t know yet. But they were all too vague. Maybe if she listened to the voicemail, she thought.

“Hey. I thought you weren’t answering Jen?”

“Oh . . .” she glanced down at her phone, “Well, I’m not, I just—“

“Is it your new boyfriend?” he said somewhat teasingly, but for the most part all she could hear was annoyance.

She wanted to say yes, but there was so much wrong with that statement; one, Jen was a woman, and two, the two of them weren’t official yet, so she couldn’t even say it was her girlfriend. Despite all of that, what came out of her mouth was: “Yeah, it is, actually.”

“Ah.” He picked up a piece himself and placed it in the back of the truck. “Well hey,” he leaned against the truck, waiting for her to look back at him, she eventually set the phone down, crossing her arms and staring back, waiting, “this new guy . . . I hope he knows how to take care of you.”

She wanted to laugh at that, especially the use of “he” and “guy”, which only made the statement more ridiculous. _ Like you ever did _, she thought; he was gone when she needed him most, what did he know about taking care of her? “Don’t do that,” she said.

“Do what?”

“The whole ‘I hope this new guy can take care of you the way I did’ thing.”

He huffed, rolling his eyes somewhat, “I’m just saying,” was all he said, wiping the grease off his hands with a towel. 

_ She _ does _ know how to take care of me _ , Judy thought, _ better than you ever could. _ And a realization hit her; she was supposed to be taking care of Jen, that was the whole reason she moved in with her in the first place. And what was she doing now? Ignoring her. “Give me a minute,” she said, stepping away. Steve watched her walk away, frustrated, but kept loading up the truck.

Once Judy was out of earshot, she played the voicemail, her heart twisted in her chest when she heard the words “I guess I just . . . I need you.” Jen didn’t know, and she wasn’t okay, and Judy was supposed to be _ taking care _of her. Her eyes welled with tears, but she dialed Jen, closing her eyes to keep them at bay.


	6. So Darling, Save The Last Dance For Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Judy goes home to Jen after not answering her calls or texts all day; Jen is heartbroken and unsure of whether she can forgive her.

Jen had teetered between worry and anger for hours. Chris ‘breaking up’ with her was the icing on the fucking cake. And she really didn’t want to be mad at Judy, but everything that was piling on today was sending her over the edge. She needed to know for sure what Judy’s excuse was, and where the fuck she was, so she went looking, deciding she’d try her work first.

__________

Jen picked up immediately with “_ Judy?” _

“Hey, Jen, um . . .”

“What the _ fuck _, Judy, where have you been?”

“I—“ Judy sighed, not knowing what she could possibly say, she’d been so selfish, there was no excuse, “I just . . . Can I explain when I get to your house? Are you home? Can I meet you there?”

Jen huffed, “Yeah, whatever.”

“Okay. I’ll be there in a half hour,” she paused, “Jen, I’m so sorry. I’m such an asshole.”

“Alright, I’ll see you at the house,” and with that, Jen hung up. 

A tear finally escaped Judy’s eye. She pushed it away with the back of her wrist and sniffled before tipping her head back, blinking rapidly and fanning her eyes. When she felt like she’d calmed herself down enough, she made her way back to Steve.

“Hey. I have to go. Like now.”

Steve raised his hands up, confused and annoyed, “_ What? _ I thought we were doing this together.”

“Yeah, well, my uh _ boyfriend _ really needs me right now. Can I trust you to finish this?”

Steve scoffed, “Seriously? How are you even leaving? I drove you here.”

Judy shrugged, “I don’t know, I’ll order an Uber I guess. But seriously, can I trust you to do this?”

Steve was visibly angry, “Whatever, yeah, it’ll get done at some point.”

Judy crossed her arms, “Are you seriously gonna act like this because I’m seeing someone that isn’t you? Steve, _ you _ broke up with _ me. _ You don’t get to be mad about that.”

He rolled his eyes, “I’m not. And actually, I’m seeing someone too.”

“Great, super happy for you,” she said as she turned to leave, opening up her Uber app as she walked away.

“And hey,” she heard from behind her, she stopped in her tracks. “I did take one of those rocks.” She tried not to react, even though her blood was boiling, _ how could he do that? _ As heartbroken as she was, she maintained her composure and kept on walking, confirming her UberX as she made her way to the front of Eileen’s house, waiting impatiently for the seven minutes it took for _ Paul _ to arrive. 

When he finally pulled up, she opened the door and sighed as she fell into the seat, “Hello,” she muttered.

“Judy?”

“Yup,” she sighed again, used to this interaction after having gone so long without a car. She was usually relatively chatty, but she didn’t have it in her right now.

“You okay, Judy?” 

She winced at that, closing her eyes, “Yeah, I’m fine!” She said immediately, she could see him glancing curiously at her in the rear view mirror and put on the biggest smile possible, seeing him raise one eyebrow in his reflection. She huffed defeatedly, letting her head fall back against the seat. “Okay, no, no I’m not fine.” 

“Yeah? What’s wrong?”

“Just . . . Relationship stuff.”

“Ah. Guy problems, I see.”

Judy turned up her nose at that, feeling offended, “No, girl problems.”

“Ah. In a fight with one of your friends?”

Knowing he was looking at the road now, Judy rolled her eyes, but “friend” was probably all she could call Jen at this point. She knew explaining wasn’t worth her energy, so she went along with it.

“Not exactly a fight. But I’m the asshole. She really needed me today and I wasn’t there. She’s . . . grieving right now and she’s in a really fragile state. I messed up big time.”

Paul shrugged his shoulders, “Well, you can be there for her now, right?”

“I guess . . .”

“It’ll be okay, then. I’m sure you can make it up to her.”

Judy shrugged, leaning against the window, “I don’t know, I have kind of a lot to make up to her. I’ve . . . done some terrible things.”

“Hey, come on, Jesus, you make it sound like you killed the woman’s family or something,” Judy froze, swallowing hard, her heart starting to race. “Listen, I’m sure whatever you did, if you’re a good friend to her, she’ll forgive you.”

“Yeah, maybe . . .” there was a long, drawn out silence in the car, one that was more uncomfortable than she was used to in this sort of situation.

“You seem like a nice girl. I mean, I don’t think I’d be able to stay mad at you for long.”

Judy cringed, now realizing he might’ve been hitting on her, something she really did not have the patience for right now. “Yeah, well . . . her and I are in a romantic relationship. So it’s more complicated than it seems.” That wasn’t true, she knew that, but she realized she _ really _ liked saying it. The thought only reminded her of how badly she’d fucked up. 

“Ah,” was his only response; he was silent for the rest of the drive, which was only a few more minutes.

“Thanks,” she muttered as she climbed out, relieved to be getting the _ hell _ out of that car. She rushed to the back gate, knowing Jen was probably outside; and she was, standing at the pool’s edge with a glass of red wine, watching the sun set. Judy’s heart sank, she looked so incredibly beautiful, she wanted just another minute to drink in the image of her silhouette, but Jen had heard Judy come in immediately.

Charging towards Judy, Jen raised her arms up, “What the _ fuck, _ Judy? Where were you? Look, I don’t even know what to say.”

Judy opened her mouth to speak, but all that came out was “Jen . . .” she felt so small right now, and so afraid.

“No. It is so _ fucked _ up.”

“Jen, I am _ so _ sorry,” Judy’s eyes started to overflow with tears.

“You were with Steve, weren’t you?”

Judy’s stomach dropped, all she could get out was a quiet “I . . . I was . . .” Her voice was shaky now, a tear running down her cheek that she quickly pushed away.

“Jesus _ Christ, _ Judy I thought we— I thought we were . . .“ Jen’s mouth was still open, but she couldn’t get the words out, so she closed it, turning away. She knew if she looked at Judy’s face she’d burst into tears, and she couldn’t do that right now, she was already too vulnerable.

“_ No! _” Judy sniffled and reached for Jen’s arm, but Jen dodged her touch, which only made Judy feel smaller, and so heartbroken, “No, Jen, it isn’t like that. I swear!”

Jen scoffed and shook her head, still not looking at Judy. Her heart was pounding, her face getting hot. She couldn’t stop the rage building inside of her. For Judy to do _ this _ after what they had found out about Ted and Bambi; what they’d found out _ together _ . She _ knew _ how much it broke Jen, she knew better than anyone else, and to go behind her back like this . . . To ignore her when she needed her most . . . 

“Jen. Nothing happened. Seriously. I told him I’m seeing someone, and it’s cut off _ for good _ . That’s all it was, Jen, me ending it. _ Please _ believe me,” Judy clasped her hands together, practically begging.

Jen shook her head. _ You were still with him _ , she thought, and the thought only angered her more. She clenched her fist and jaw, practically shaking. Tears ran down her cheeks, and she knew she needed to get far away from Judy. She couldn’t look at that face, she couldn’t look at her bottom lip she knew must be quivering or her precious doe eyes that must be wide and brimming with tears. Jen knew if she looked she would only break down crying, and right now, she needed to let herself be angry, because she _ should _ be angry. So she didn’t look back. She closed her eyes before she spoke, knowing saying the words she was about to say would hurt them both. But she said them anyways. “Well. Good for you that you’re seeing someone.” She glanced up at Judy for only a moment—which was all she could stand—and made her way back to the house. All she heard from behind her was “Jen, no. _ Please _. Wait!”

Jen stopped for only a moment, taking a deep breath and continuing on her way, leaving Judy behind with every ounce of restraint she had.

Judy don’t move, she stood in the middle of the yard, letting her tears fall, not knowing what to do or where to go. She deserved that, she knew she did. She _ deserved _ to have Jen chew her out for not being there, but for her Jen to completely dismiss the idea of the two of them being _ anything, _ that was cruel, and left her feeling like someone had ripped a hole in her chest. After waiting long enough in the hopes that Jen might come back outside, she resided to the guest house, climbing onto her bed and burying her face in her pillow to muffle the violent sobs she couldn’t stop. She stayed like that for what felt like hours, the sun having set now, her eyes were swollen and head pounding from sobbing. Right now, she would normally be finishing up the dishes from dinner, a dinner that _ she _ would have cooked. The thought alone brought fresh tears to her eyes, her stomach growled, as if it too had just realized she hadn’t eaten dinner.

Just then, she heard a knock at the door. “Jen?” she called out hopefully, knowing she sounded somewhat pathetic. But no one answered. She sat up and sniffled, wiping her tears away as quickly as she could. “Hello?” She said shakily. Glancing out the window, she saw Henry running across the yard back to the house. Jen opened the door for him and let him in, placing a hand on his shoulder and glancing outside for only a moment, long enough to catch Judy’s eye. She turned away slowly, disappearing from Judy’s view as she made her way back into the house. Judy stood slowly from the bed, finding a plate with two slices of pizza on the table outside when she opened the door. A shaky sob escaped her throat, but she allowed herself a small smile, hoping this was some sort of peace offering. She knew Jen couldn’t cook, or at least didn’t like to, so they must’ve ordered pizza. A weight was lifted off her chest at the gesture, knowing that—as mad as she was—Jen still cared.

Judy scarfed both pieces down in what felt like seconds, not knowing what to do with herself once she was done. There wasn’t much she _ could _ do, because she couldn’t leave, not now. She couldn’t _ not _ be there if Jen came looking for her, and Judy thought she might, eventually. 

Judy climbed back onto the bed, sitting back against the wall and picking up her phone. She scrolled through her photos and deleted every single photo of her Mustang, photos with Steve that were once precious to her, but now only pissed her off on sight. With that she started scrolling through her photos, deleting every picture of Steve she had, not wanting to see his stupid fucking face anymore. And it felt good. _ Really _good.

Once she finished it was already about ten o’clock, and still nothing from Jen. She was getting somewhat tired now, but she left the lights on and stayed sitting up, waiting. She hoped if she left the light on Jen would know she was waiting up, but no luck. Judy waited an hour before she gave up and flicked the light off, climbing into bed. As she laid there on her side her tears rolled onto her pillow, and she couldn’t stop them coming. Now she was questioning whether she’d ruined things with Jen completely. 

Judy was beginning to lose all hope when she heard a knock on the door. This time she knew it had to be Jen. Before Judy had the chance to tell her she could come in, Jen had already entered the room. “Hi . . .” Judy said sleepily, her heart pounding, and she propped herself up on one elbow, still under her covers.

“Hey . . . Can I sit?” Jen asked, gesturing towards the bed. 

“Of course,” Judy said quickly, scooting back to make room without another word. Jen came and seated herself at the edge of the mattress.

She sighed, “I’m sorry . . . about what I said earlier.”

“It’s okay,” Judy said with a sniffle, letting Jen continue.

“But you could have at least texted me back. You know the last time someone that I . . . that I loved didn’t text me back, he was dead,” Jen’s eyes began to well up, but she pushed the tears away.

Now Judy fully understood why Jen was as hurt as she was, and her heart ached. “Oh, my God. You’re right. I’m so sorry. I’m such an asshole,” tears sprung anew in Judy’s eyes, she _ really _ felt like the biggest asshole on earth right now.

“You know I needed you today. Like _ really _ needed you. And that’s very hard for me to admit.”

Judy nodded solemnly, “I’m sorry, Jen. I’m _ so _ sorry, you have no idea. I was so selfish, there’s no excuse for it, I should’ve been there, I should have been at that police station _ with _ you. You shouldn’t have had to go through that experience alone, I—“

Jen cut her off; “Listen, I forgive you, alright? I’m just . . . really hurt. But I’ve had some time to think about it and . . . I believe you, about Steve. I realized that I trust you, and that I _ should _ trust you. And it’s shitty of me not to.”

“Well . . . thank you. I appreciate that,” Judy said, sitting up now. She cautiously reached for Jen’s hand. Jen was hesitant to take it, but she did, then slid closer to Judy, facing her. She held Judy’s hand with both of her own, gently stroking Judy’s wrist with her thumb. Judy’s entire body relaxed with relief and the comfort of Jen’s touch.

“I’m sorry . . .” Jen began, staring down at Judy’s hand to keep from looking her in the eyes, “about what I said, about you seeing someone.”

“Oh . . .” Judy’s expression sunk at the memory.

“That was . . . cruel of me to say. And I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to sound like I think what we have is nothing. Because it isn’t. It means a lot to me. _ Us, _ I mean.”

“It means a lot to me too,” Judy ducked her head down to Jen’s eye level, prompting her to lift her head and look her in the eye, to which Jen complied.

“I know that you and I are more than just . . . friends. And I realized tonight, maybe because I was so heartbroken, that I really . . . that I love you. And not just in a friendly way.”

Judy’s heart fluttered at those words, she scooted closer to Jen. “I love you,” Judy said, a tear rolled down her cheek, she felt utterly overwhelmed with emotions, “God, Jen, I love you,” she leaned into Jen, wrapping her arms around Jen’s middle and letting her head fall against her chest. Jen squeezed her tightly, rubbing her back as she shook with quiet sobs. “I love you,” Judy said again, “and I’m sorry, I’m _ so _ sorry. You have no _ idea _how sorry I am, Jen.” Judy knew when she said it that she was apologizing for more than just tonight, which only made her heart ache more.

“Honey, honey, it’s okay,” Jen cooed, kissing the top of Judy’s head, “I was very angry, yes, but I’ve had some time to cool down, and I forgive you. And anyways . . . I realized I couldn’t sleep without you, so.”

Judy pulled away and sat up, “Really?”

Jen chuckled and sniffled loudly, “As in do I _ really _ forgive you or can I _ really _ not sleep without you?”

Judy returned a light laugh, “As in, do you really forgive me? I already know you can’t sleep without me.”

Jen smiled, shaking her head, “I do. It’s probably for the best that you broke things off with him yourself. I’m sure me breaking things off with him _ for _ you didn’t exactly give you the closure you needed.”

“Yeah,” Judy said, as if that were the full reason, “yeah . . . But it’s all over now. I promise. He’s such a dick.”

“I mean I could’ve told you that,” Jen said, but she realized saying that didn’t help anyone, so she continued, “but I’m proud of you. I know that guy was like heroin for you.”

Judy nodded, “Honestly? It was much easier now that I have you.”

Jen smiled softly to herself, the very idea making her heart swell.

“But, that’s enough about my shit . . . do you wanna talk about it? I mean, the police station today.”

“Oh . . .” Jen sighed, staring down at the mattress, “I guess I just . . . really thought I’d be okay. I thought because it’s been long enough since it happened, and I know enough about him now to be . . . _ mad _ at him? That I would be okay. That it wouldn’t affect me as badly as it would’ve before. I thought I’d disconnected myself enough from him that I could _ handle _ it, that I _ wouldn’t _ be heartbroken anymore, but . . .”

“Well, you’re human, Jen . . .” Judy brought a hand to her back, rubbing it comfortingly.

“Yeah, well,” she shrugged, her eyes were starting to tear up at the memory, she could feel the sobs pulling painfully at her throat, but she didn’t let them escape, “I thought I was stronger than that. And that I hated him. But I guess I just can’t erase how much I loved him and seeing him like . . . that, it just tore my heart out all over again. This person that I was so in love with for so many years just . . . torn to shreds. And someone just _ left _ him like that. How could any human being be so evil that they’d just _ leave _ him? Like he was fucking roadkill.” Judy swallowed hard, closing her eyes as her heart began to pound. For some reason, she wanted to hear it; she wanted to hear Jen say how horrible that person was, because she deserved it. She deserved to be punished in some way for this, and Jen’s words were cutting through her like glass shards; the kind of pain she _ should _ be in after what she did. “It just hurt so bad to see, Judy. Like, _ physical _pain in my chest,” one of the sobs she’d been holding back escaped, shaking her entire body as her tears fell.

“I’m so, _ so _ sorry, Jen. That’s . . . I can’t even imagine,” Judy sighed. “Come here,” she opened her arms to Jen, Jen crawling into them, her head resting on Judy’s chest, allowing herself to be held. Judy continued rubbing her back, pressing her lips to the top of Jen’s hair after whispering “I’m so sorry.”

Jen sniffled, whispering “Thank you,” in a shaky voice, cut short by a sob. 

“Do you wanna sleep here tonight?”

Jen nodded against Judy’s chest, wrapping her arms around the small of her back.

“Okay, baby,” Judy whispered. Jen squeezed her tighter, the endearment being very unlike Judy. But it comforted Jen, she hadn’t been called that by someone she loved in a very long time. And Judy’s arms . . . they felt like home to Jen. Her heart rate was finally slowing, she felt _ safe _ for the first time today, and she wasn’t letting go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the heavy angst. More to come.


	7. Hard to Say What it is I See in You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jen discovers the make and model of the car that killed Ted. Judy has an intense reaction.

The next day started off as most of their days did; Judy woke up that morning with Jen in her arms, the blonde nuzzling her chest—even though it was more often the other way around. Jen’s alarm was going off not too long after sunrise. “ _ Fuck _ ,” she grunted with exhaustion. 

“Mm, rise and shine,”Judy mumbled sleepily, running her fingers through Jen’s hair.

“Ugh,” Jen groaned, not wanting to leave the comfort of Judy’s embrace, “do I have to?”

Judy patted her back, “You do, yes. Come on. I’ll make you breakfast.”

Jen let out another groan, forcing herself to sit up, “Okay,” Jen rubbed her eyes sleepily before engaging in a dramatic stretch; one that Judy was used to and still watched every morning, likening Jen to a kitten waking up from a nap. She could never say that to Jen, though, so she watched in silence, drinking in the endearing picture. “I’m gonna throw on some clothes and go for my run,” Jen announced, “I shouldn’t be too long.”

Judy nodded, at this point she knew Jen’s schedule and routine well enough to have breakfast ready the moment she was ready for it. “Okay, see you at breakfast,” Judy said as Jen practically rolled out of bed.

“Mmkay, see you then,” Jen leaned down to Judy, who was still sitting up in bed, and pulled her into a gentle kiss, only lasting a few seconds, but that was enough for Judy to be left completely flustered.

Judy took her time getting ready, knowing she had a good amount of time before Jen got back from her run. After having been ousted from the house last night, she felt a sense of warmth and relief when she stepped back inside. She wasn’t just in Jen’s house; she was  _ home. _ No one else was awake, but Judy was already getting breakfast ready, which made her feel even more at home. She didn’t  _ need _ anyone to be there; she knew where everything was, she knew Jen’s kitchen inside and out, and she knew exactly what the three of them liked for breakfast and how they liked it. Making breakfast was a small labor of love, but she truly wanted to do everything she could for Jen at all times, the only thing keeping her feeling like she deserved to be there. Even if she knew she didn’t.

Breakfast was almost finished by the time Jen came bursting into the kitchen, more chipper than usual, finishing a conversation on the phone.

“It’s a new day, Judy,” Jen said after hanging up, an obvious excitement in her voice. Judy wanted to be excited for Jen, she really did, but at this point the thought of any news Jen could have received brought her immediate uneasiness.

“Yeah?” Judy said, trying to sound enthusiastic.

“Yeah. They found the make and model of the car that killed Ted.”

Judy’s stomach lurched immediately, her heart pounding. “What?” She said quickly, still trying to sound excited for Jen, but she was already feeling nauseous.

“Uh-huh! It’s a 1966 Mustang. Isn’t that weird? It’s just so weird to know that now. It’s like creepy, right?”

Judy’s heart was beating hard enough for her to feel pain in her chest, she turned away and took a deep breath, using the dishes as an excuse to do so. Once she was able to regain her composure, she turned back; “Kinda,” she said, hoping she was being convincing.

“But it’s like yeah,  _ this _ happened. This happened and this is the person that did it. And this is the car they drove. It’s amazing, isn’t it?”

“Super amazing!” Judy struggled to keep up the act, the panic in her probably somewhat transparent, but Jen had no reason to suspect it. She suggested that the person who did it had probably gotten rid of the car, in the hopes that she might be reassured she’d be safe that way, but Jen quickly retorted it. Of course it would look suspicious. Of course they’d still  _ know _ she owned that car; well,  _ Steve _ owned that car actually . . .

Jen bookended their conversation with “It’s a new day, Judy.”

Judy nodded, unable to speak as she watched her walk away. The image of Jen walking away in her black leggings was usually one of her favorites, but she couldn’t even enjoy the view, far too light-headed now. She’d barely been able to hold it together while Jen was there and now it felt like all the blood had drained from her face, the edges of her vision darkening until everything went black.

“Jude? You okay?” Jen yelled from the other room, having stopped in her tracks when she heard a loud thud. When there was no response, she turned around, heading back towards the kitchen. “Judy?” She called again, trying not to let herself panic. It was possible that Judy simply couldn’t hear her and had knocked something over, she told herself. When she entered the kitchen she couldn’t see Judy anywhere. “Honey?” She said, the panic more apparent in her voice as she approached the island, when she circled it she found Judy collapsed on the floor, seemingly unconscious. Jen’s heart was pounding immediately, as she dropped to the floor, kneeling beside her. “Oh my god, Judy!” She sat back on her heels, cradling Judy’s head in her lap. She was definitely breathing, that was comforting, but Jen’s mind was racing. Judy meant so much to her, she realized, more than anyone, and she didn’t know what she’d do if anything happened to her. There stood a moment where Jen was frozen in shock, her heart beating so erratically that the pain in her chest was the only sensation she felt. Just has she came to, Judy’s eyes started blinking open.

The first thing Judy did when her eyes opened was wince; “ _ Ah! _ ” She called out.

“Judy! Jesus, you scared the  _ shit _ out of me. Oh, honey,” Jen wrapped both arms around Judy’s head and pulled her in close to her chest. 

Judy whimpered again, clearly in pain.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Are you okay? What happened?”

There were no words for the pain Judy was in right now, there was an agony in her left arm so sharp she thought she might black out again. “My . . . my arm,” Judy muttered groggily.

“Did you land on it? Is it broken? Can you move it?”

“I don’t know . . .” Judy tried to bend her arm again. “ _ Ah! _ ” Judy sucked in hard through her teeth, a shooting pain running all the way up from her elbow.

“Fuck,” Jen whispered, “Okay. Do you think you need to go to the emergency room? No, actually, we’re going to the emergency room.”

Judy nodded understandingly, “Okay . . . I think I fainted.”

“Okay, honey, come on. I’m gonna help you up but you’ve gotta help me out, okay?” 

Judy squeezed her eyes shut and nodded, wrapping her good arm around Jen as she helped hoist her up. “There you go, there you go,” Jen spoke softly and encouragingly. Judy stood shakily, sucking in hard breaths through her teeth as she attempted to withstand the pain. “Okay, okay, great job. I’m gonna get you an ice pack, alright?”

Judy’s eyes stayed squeezed shut, her eyes knitted together as she nodded, breathing through the agony. “Okay,” Judy whispered.

Jen wrapped the ice pack in a thin towel and helped Judy guide it to the source, making sure she had a good hold on it with her good hand. The boys were just coming downstairs as Jen made her way to the door. “Charlie,” Jen started, “can you make sure your brother gets on the bus okay? I need to take Judy to the emergency room right now.”

Charlie looked confused, pulling his headphones down around his neck. Henry spoke before Charlie could get a word out, “Is Judy gonna be okay!?”

“She’s gonna be fine, boop, just hurt her arm. You got it, Char?”

“Yeah. It’s fine,” he muttered before walking off to the kitchen. 

“Feel better, Judy!” Henry said before running off behind Charlie. 

“Breakfast is all ready in there. If something goes wrong, call Lorna! And lock the door when you leave!”

“Okay, mom!” Henry called back.

“Alright, sorry, let’s get out of here,” Jen said before placing a hand on Judy’s back, opening the front door for her.

“No, no, don’t be sorry,” Judy said said, her face contorted with pain.

Jen sighed, “Let’s go.”

After waiting for what felt like forever in the emergency room, Jen squeezing her hand the entire time, Judy learned she’d only sprained her elbow. And that it would probably take about two to three weeks to heal—at least heal  _ enough _ —but until then she’d have to wear a cast and a sling on her arm at all times. She’d never had anything like this happen to her before, so she had no idea how to handle this and had endless questions.

Judy sat up on the padded examination table, kicking her legs anxiously as she threw rapid-fire questions at the doctor. She’d asked for Jen to be there, so she stood close to Judy, facing the doctor, arms crossed, paying close attention.

“How do I get dressed with the sling on?”

“You can take it off to get dressed as long as it’s right back on. And you may need some assistance.”

“How do I sleep?”

“Most people like to prop themselves up on pillows, but definitely on your back.”

“Can I lift anything with this arm?”

“No more than a pound. You should be trying not to use it at all, though.”

“Can I get the cast wet? Or the sling?”

“Definitely try not to.”

“How do I shower then?”

“We recommend you put a plastic bag over both. And give yourself a lot of time, especially if you’ll be alone. If you have a friend or family member who can help you, that would be ideal. Even a sponge bath is a good idea in a pinch. Do you have someone who can help?”

Judy felt her cheeks heat up, finally slowing her roll when she felt Jen looking over at her, “Uh, I think I can figure it out on my own.”

“She does,” Jen moved her eyes from Judy to the doctor, squeezing Judy’s shoulder. The doctor glanced over at her, raising an eyebrow, questioning whether she was talking about herself or someone else. “I’m her . . . girlfriend,” Jen blurted out, not knowing how to name their relationship at the moment, but assuming it didn’t really matter, even though the words made her heart pound.

“Great. Will you be with her the next few weeks?”

Jen nodded, looking over at Judy and back to the doctor, “Yeah, we live together.”

“Perfect. She’ll need a lot of help while she’s healing. Do  _ you  _ have any questions for me?”

“Ummm, I guess only if she does,” she pointed her gaze towards Judy, “Anymore?”

Judy shook her head shyly, left flustered by Jen’s statement, which she didn’t bring up again until the two of them were back in the car together. After only a few moments of silence as Jen pulled out of the parking lot, Judy piped up. “So . . . girlfriend?”

Jen’s heart was already pounding again, but she tried to shrug it off. “Oh, yeah, I mean I know we’re . . .  _ not _ but I figured it was a simple way of putting it. Like, not that it’s  _ like _ that it’s just that, we live together and have an intimate relationship so . . . I thought it would be easy for the doctor to understand.”

“Mmm,” Judy nodded, “right . . .”

“That’s all it was,” Jen scoffed.

“Mm-hmm,” Judy teased.

Jen rolled her eyes and shook her head, seemingly annoyed. But after a bout of silence, she spoke up yet again. “Do you . . .  _ want  _ that to be all it was?”

Judy’s heart rate picked up now. She  _ wanted _ it to be more than that, but should she let it be? Her brain was telling her not to let this thing go any further with Jen, but she was already in so deep. Deep in her heart she knew she wanted to have Jen in every way she could, and that  _ yes _ , she loved the sound of Jen calling herself her girlfriend. Judy squeezed her eyes shut and let her head fall back against the seat, trying to get her thoughts straight.

As it turned out, her heart was screaming loud enough to drown her brain out. “No,” Judy said flatly. Jen stayed silent, her heart thumping in her chest; she hadn’t remembered how she worded that question to begin with, so Judy’s response still brought her no comfort. Judy continued, “No, I don’t want that to be all that it was.”

Jen let out a sigh of relief, she wasn’t one to put herself out there as much as she just had, but the outcome was greater than expected. “So . . .”

“So I guess it’s . . . official?” Judy offered. She felt a bit like she was in high school again with the way the two of them were navigating this conversation, but she didn’t really mind it.

“I guess it is . . .” Jen said, keeping her eyes on the road and trying to keep a straight face, but the smile that tugged at the corners of her lips was too hard to resist, and she could feel the butterflies erupting in her stomach.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As it turns out, almost none of episode 8 would have happened without Nick or the pregnancy scare. So now we improvise!


	8. Wonder If I'll Always Be With You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Judy has to deal with becoming almost entirely dependent on Jen when all she wanted to do from the very beginning was help.

Judy was already sufficiently annoyed with her injury by early evening. Jen was insisting she make dinner herself and wouldn’t let Judy help. “Just rest,” she told Judy, “you must be in agony.”

“I’m fine!” Judy insisted, although she was still in a lot of pain, “I took some Aleve, I’m fine now.”

Jen rolled her eyes. She was standing behind the island cutting up vegetables for dinner, Judy sitting on a stool across from her, pouting. “You don’t have to do everything, okay? I got this. Don’t worry about it.”

Judy sighed, “But, you’re letting me live with you, it’s the _ least _ I can do.”

Jen put her knife down on the cutting board, bracing her palms against the island as she leaned her weight on them, looking Judy in the eye, “I’m not _ letting _ you stay here. You’re here because I want you here and I care about you. And I _ like _ living with you. So let me take care of you for once, okay?”

Judy still pouted, leaning her good elbow on the surface of the island with her chin in her palm.

“Thank you . . .” Judy said quietly, “but I just—“

“Ah ah,” Jen wagged a finger to stop her, “no buts. Just relax and heal,” she punctuated her statement by resuming her chopping.

Judy shrunk in her seat, feeling small, realizing she’d launched Jen into full mama-bear mode. She continued to sulk while she watched Jen cook, realizing it would be a _ lot _ harder to feel like she was taking care of Jen or helping her while she was in this state. Now she’d only be a burden on Jen, which was the opposite of what she’d come here to accomplish. She couldn’t stand it, the _ one _thing that eased her guilt even slightly, and she couldn’t do it anymore. At least it would only be for a couple of weeks, she thought.

She made it through dinner—a dinner Jen had cooked, which was lovely, even if Jen didn’t love cooking—and had to have a similar conversation with Jen once again, insisting she help with the dishes, but Jen didn’t let her.

“Come on! You cooked. At least let me—“

“_ Judy, _” Jen cut her off, “you need to stop.”

“Okay,” Judy hung her head, defeated, retreating back to her stool on the other side of the kitchen island.

“I’m sorry, honey,” Jen sighed, circling over to Judy once she’d finished the dishes, “I know it sucks to feel helpless,” she ran her fingers over the top of Judy’s hair, kissing her head. 

“Yeah . . .” Judy agreed, easing into the comfort of Jen’s lips against her scalp.

Jen stood up straight again, “Just let yourself take it easy, okay?”

Judy nodded sadly. 

“You wanna go to bed soon?”

Judy nodded again.

Up until they went to Jen’s bedroom, Judy was planning out how she’d get ready for bed with the use of only her good arm; she didn’t want Jen helping her. She didn’t want to be a continued burden on Jen’s routine when she was already taking up space in her home and _ now _ in her bedroom too.

“Alright,” Jen said before stepping into her bathroom, “I’m gonna get ready for bed and then I’ll help you out.”

Judy didn’t respond, just gave her a quick nod. She didn’t plan on letting Jen help her, thinking maybe she could have herself ready by the time Jen was out; then maybe Jen would think she wasn’t _ totally _useless. Judy was angry with herself for what she’d worn today, even if she didn’t know this was coming. The doctor had said the easiest things for her to wear would probably be shirts that buttoned in the front or dresses that zipped in the back. But of course, she had to wear a tight T-shirt and a skirt that buttoned up today, two things that would be very difficult to take off. 

She made sure she had her sleep clothes laid out and ready before she started undressing; she tossed a loose robe and underwear onto the bed, assuming that would be easiest to dress herself in, not caring about having nothing else on underneath it. After she carefully removed the sling, she tried to inch her shirt up her stomach with her good hand until she felt like she could pull the arm out the bottom, bending her elbow in as tightly as she could, she attempted to pull her arm down into her shirt and yank it from her sleeve, but only succeeded in getting her arm bound tightly against her, effectively stuck between her shirt and chest, the shirt only half off. “Fuck,” she whispered, still attempting to yank her arm downward, until she heard a small tear in the elastic if the shirts collar. She groaned, realizing what an embarrassing position she’d left herself in. It wasn’t as if Jen didn’t see her topless all the time; but she knew she wouldn’t hear the end of this when she could have just waited for Jen’s help instead of putting herself in this position.

Judy was still attempting to pull her arm out when Jen came out of the bathroom, hearing Judy grunt with frustration. “Oh, Jesus,” Jen chuckled, “Alright alright, don’t be a hero,” she came over to Judy, grabbing her shirt by the hem. “Why didn’t you just wait for me?” she asked while she grabbed Judy’s good arm, carefully tugging it out of the shirt.

“I thought I could do it . . .”

Jen sighed, “Next time call for me, okay?” Judy nodded in response. Jen gave her a small, reassuring smile before pulling the T-shirt over her head from one side, leaving only the sleeve of her bad arm left on. “I’ll be gentle,” Jen promised, and she was as she slipped the sleeve down her arm. 

“Thanks . . . But I think I’ve got it from here, Jen.”

“Don’t be silly, come on, it’s okay,” Jen wrapped her arms around Judy’s back, kissing her forehead reassuringly before she unhooked her bra, carefully bringing the strap down her arm as she’d done with her shirt. “I’ve got it, okay?” Jen said before she began unbuttoning her skirt, eventually tugging it off.

“Thank you, really, thank you. But I can do it myself. I can figure it out,” Judy said, trying to sound somewhat stern. “I should learn how in case you’re not here anyways.”

Jen’s brow furrowed, “When will I not be here?”

“I . . . I don’t know, but I should be able to do it myself so you don’t have to do _ everything _ for me,” Judy explained. She really didn’t like feeling this helpless, especially around Jen, and she wasn’t _ completely _ incompetent, she could certainly figure out how to change her clothes. 

“Judy, it’s really not a big deal. You’re not putting me out or anything. I mean, obviously I don’t mind undressing you,” she said suggestively. Judy’s cheeks got so red that she needed to turn her head away. 

“Hmm . . .” Judy tried to come up with an explanation for not wanting her to do this, but none came to mind. She just hated feeling so useless, and the position she was in was hurting her pride somewhat. While she hadn’t been paying attention, Jen had kneeled down on the floor, taking her panties by the waistband and tugging them down. Judy immediately tensed up.

“What’s wrong?” Jen finally asked, “You act like I don’t take your panties off on a daily basis.”

Judy tensed up a bit more, the heat in her cheeks intensifying, still unable to look at Jen, “Well, yeah, but, this isn’t, like . . . sexy . . .”

Jen raised an eyebrow, “Do you . . .” she leaned forward and planted a soft kiss on Judy’s inner thigh, “want it to be?” 

Judy’s thigh twitched at the contact, a small gasp escaping her throat. The real answer was yes, but she wasn’t so sure what she could do for Jen in return if they did anything right now, or at all while she was like this and didn’t have another hand to use, as well as a large obstacle. Not wanting to act like a pillow princess for the next few weeks, Judy shook her head. “No, um, no, not right now. I think I’m just, uh, not in the mood after everything.”

Jen nodded understandingly, “That’s alright, honey, we don’t have to do anything, I totally get it.”

“Yeah. And this just isn’t, uh, I just don’t like feeling so helpless, I guess. But I do appreciate you helping! I just . . . would like to hang on to some of my dignity.”

Jen frowned, “Shit, sorry, I should’ve asked,” she said as she stood back up. “Do you want me to let you finish by yourself?”

Judy nodded, “Um, yeah, sorry I’m just . . . not used to being so dependent and I think I can figure it out.” She’d already taken her panties from the bed to attempt putting them on when she said this. 

“Alright, I’ll leave you to it, then. But if it gets painful to watch, I’m intervening,” Jen said as she walked away, off to change into her own sleep clothes.

“That’s fair,” Judy murmured, “but, wait, don’t watch me!”

Jen laughed from the other side of the room, pulling her shirt off; “Uh-huh!”

Judy sat at the edge of Jen’s bed, trying her best to clumsily put on clothes with her one good arm. She _ could _ do it, but it was even harder with Jen stealing glances at her from across the room, although she _ did _ eventually get both items of clothing on, even though she couldn’t tie her robe in front, leaving it to hang wide open. That’s when Jen decided to intervene. 

“You did great, babe,” Jen said before taking the front of her robe and pulling it shut, hiding her naked body as she tied it in the front. She then helped Judy back into her sling.

Judy wrinkled her nose at her comment, “Hey, don’t patronize me.”

“I’m not, sweetie,” Jen leaned forward and kissed Judy’s forehead. “I get it, it’s hard having to depend on someone else. I’ll try not to be so controlling.”

“Thank you . . .” Judy said meekly.

“But will you let me help you get set up in bed?”

Judy chuckled, “Sure.”

__________

“_ Fuck! _ Jen, what time is it? Shit, I’m gonna be late for work,” were the first things Judy said when she woke up, not having heard an alarm go off. “Shit shit shit, I still have to shower and cook breakfast and—“

“I’m cooking breakfast,” Jen mumbled sleepily from her pillow. “Do you need help showering?”

Judy had only just woken up and was already blushing again, “Uh, no. I’m all set. Thanks, though!” she blurted out quickly. She knew she probably should ask for help since it was her first time attempting this _ and _ she was in a hurry, but Jen didn’t even need to be up yet, and she wasn’t about to deprive Jen of sleep to fulfill her own needs. And it wasn’t like she was paralyzed; she could give herself a shower.

“Mm, if you say so,” Jen muttered as she fell back to sleep.

It wasn’t until Judy got into the bathroom and mapped out all the steps that she realized she could _ not _ do this on her own if she wanted to make it to work on time. She didn’t really have time to stand there and debate either. All she had successfully done was take off her sling and robe, and would still have to find a way to cover the sling over with a plastic bag once she got it back on, unless she took a sponge bath and avoided it. Judy sighed, realizing she needed to swallow her pride. “Jen!” she called out from the bathroom, she opened up the door and peeked her head out, seeing Jen stir in bed. 

“Hm?” Jen mumbled groggily, blinking her eyes at Judy.

“I actually . . . could use some help,” Judy admitted in her smallest voice, “I’m scared I’ll make myself late.”

Jen was nodding as she sat up, rubbing her face with both hands, “I figured,” she spoke through her yawn, “I’m coming.”

Jen finally entered the bathroom to find Judy clad in only her underwear from the night before.

“Hey,” Judy started awkwardly, “could you maybe . . . give me a sponge bath? Well just like . . . The spots I can’t reach.”

Jen chuckled, nodding, “I’ve definitely seen this porno before.”

Judy raised her eyebrows warningly, “Will you shut up?”

Laughing, Jen apologized, “Sorry, sorry. Yes, of course I will, honey. I’m just teasing.”

Judy sighed and nodded, “So . . ?”

“I’ve got it,” Jen said as she readied a cloth with warm water and Judy’s body wash that now lived in Jen’s shower, in the meantime Judy got her sling back on, waiting expectantly. “Alright, turn around.”

Judy followed Jen’s instructions, feeling the blonde come up behind her, bringing the warm, wet cloth to the back of her shoulder. The sensation of the warm cloth sliding over her back was enough to relax Judy; she tried not to remind herself that Jen _ could _ be sleeping right now, but was helping her instead. Right now, Jen’s gentle touch was enough to distract her. The lower Jen got on her back, the better it felt, and now Judy was trying to focus hard on her breathing, knowing what Jen would probably do next. Predictably enough, Jen took her panties by the waistband and slid them down her legs, making her breath hitch, the heat rushing back into her cheeks. Judy let out a small squeak and bounced up on her toes when she felt Jen pinch her ass through the cloth as subtly as possible.

“_ Jen! _ ” Judy said warningly. Jen snickered as she stood back up, bringing her lips to Judy’s shoulder as she brought the cloth around her front, starting with her shoulders and collarbone before she made her way to Judy’s breasts, her nipples hardening when Jen had spent far too much time “cleaning” them. Judy squeezed her thighs together, trying to relieve the tension between them, telling herself this was not the time or place for her to be turned on. “Jen. The goal was to get me to work _ on time, _ remember?”

“Okayyy, okay,” Jen huffed.

“And I mean, I can finish from here, I really only needed you to get my back and my good arm.”

“I know you can,” Jen spoke softly, inches from Judy’s ear and laid another kiss on her shoulder, “but I’d like to finish for you. If that’s okay.”

Judy let out a shaky breath and nodded, feeling Jen work the cloth over her abdomen, her arms, and up both of her legs when she’d turned back around. She could feel Jen working her way up her thigh, and braced herself for what was coming. Judy was praying Jen wouldn’t notice she was practically dripping, because she could feel it running slightly down the insides of her thighs, her body completely betraying her.

Naturally, Jen _ did _ notice, bringing the cloth up to wipe Judy off between the thighs. Judy’s breath hitched, even if Jen hadn’t made direct contact yet; she was already sensitive beyond belief.

“You _ sure _ you wanna make it on time?” Jen asked, waggling her eyebrows.

Judy tensed up again, “_ Yes, _ ” she said quickly and firmly. It wasn’t that she didn’t _ want _ Jen to fuck her right now, it was just that she knew that’s all it would be; Jen fucking _ her _. It would be Jen helping her get ready and Jen helping her get off and Jen doing all of this while she could be sleeping. Judy felt another pang of guilt when the thought crossed her mind.

Jen shrugged, “Alright, babe, you’re the boss.”

_ Am I, though? _ Judy thought, the cloth making its way between her legs just then. She sucked in a small gasp, trying not to be too noticeable. Jen was being maybe a bit more thorough than she needed to be; which Judy understood was just her being playful, but she could hardly handle it right now, being as sensitive as she already was.

“Okay,” Judy said softly to herself, taking a deep, reassuring breath, “Okay. Okay. Okay okay okay _ okay, _” Judy’s face tightened, the pressure between her legs bringing her up onto her tip toes. She sighed with relief when Jen finally pulled the cloth away, standing back up. 

Judy pouted, “Why do you have to torture me like that?”

Jen shrugged, “Preparing you for later?”

Judy’s eyes widened for a moment, wondering what Jen had planned for the two of them later, and how she could _ possibly _ say no. “Oh,” Judy said meekly.

“But why don’t we get you dressed?” Jen said before taking a towel and wrapping it around Judy, lovingly rubbing her dry.

“Okay.”

Judy let Jen help her now, since she had no choice if she wanted to make it to work on time. Jen seemed to understand now that she was in a hurry, because she helped her quickly into her undergarments and dress. “Can I give you a ride?” Jen asked when she saw Judy frantically switching between the Uber and Lyft apps, looking for drivers in the area.

“Oh no no, you don’t have to do that, I’ll figure it out.”

“You’re gonna end up a half hour late if you do that, just let me,” Jen offered sweetly.

Judy sighed and gave in, not having an excuse to say no. “Okay. Thank you, Jen.”

For the entirety of their car ride, Judy was feeling guilty for waking Jen up in the first place when oversleeping was her _ own _ fault. Now Jen was depriving herself of sleep, driving her into work for the third time this week when she already drove Judy all over creation on a regular basis.

“Jude, will you stop squirming like that? It’s distracting.”

Judy’s eyes widened, she hadn’t realized she was squirming in her seat. After that morning and the way Jen had been touching her, Judy was having a hard time sitting still. Not letting Jen fuck her then and there took all the restraint she had. It was difficult to sit still or think about anything else when she could feel her panties almost soaked through between her legs. Judy tried to hide her blush, turning away. “Sorry, I just, uh, really have to pee.”

Jen raised an eyebrow, not believing her. 

“Alright well, we’re almost there.”

“Mm. Yeah.”

“You gonna be alright today?” Jen asked as they pulled up.

“Oh yeah, I’ll be totally fine. Thanks. And thanks for the ride!” Judy grabbed the door handle to open the door but stopped when she felt Jen’s hand land on her thigh. 

“You know I’ll drive you anywhere anytime, hun. And please text me if you need anything today,” Jen stopped there, leaning in to give Judy a goodbye kiss. “I know you don’t just have to pee,” she mumbled against Judy’s mouth.

Judy found herself blushing again, maybe even a little more turned on. Jen’s hand slid a touch further up Judy’s thigh when she said this, sneaking its way under her dress. Judy’s breath hitched, her thighs squeezing together and trapping Jen’s hand. “Oh, um—“

Jen cut her off with another quick kiss, “But you’d better haul ass if you wanna make it on time.”

Judy nodded quickly and got out of the car in a daze, making her way towards the facility’s entrance as quickly as she could, which was difficult while she was this weak in the knees. She hadn’t felt like this in a long time, not since the grief retreat, a memory so mortifying she completely pushed it out of her head. Walking inside in her dress was torture in itself; every light breeze that made it up her legs reminding her that her panties were almost soaked through.

“Okay, okay,” Judy whispered to herself, “you’re fine, it’s fine,” she took a deep breath and stepped inside.


	9. Words Can't Say And I Can't Do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Judy talks to Abe about Jen; Jen and Judy have some intimacy issues and past demons rear their ugly heads.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys, it's been a busy one and I've forgotten to post. But I have about 15 chapters done so I might just post again this week. Hope you enjoy!

Once Judy had settled in at work, she managed to distract herself from the aching between her legs and actually (somewhat) enjoy her day. She took the first opportunity she could to sit down with Abe, knowing he was really her only other confidante aside from Jen, who she was already hiding too many things from. All this time she’d been keeping her relationship with Jen a secret, and it only now occurred to her that she really didn’t have to. She’d gotten so used to keeping secrets that something like this automatically seemed like something she shouldn’t be able to talk about, but no one knew what she knew about her complicated relationship with Jen, so what did it really matter? She only needed to keep it from Steve, right? The only thing that might compel her to keep the relationship a secret from anyone else was the nature of it, since she had never dated a woman, but of all secrets she’d been keeping, that was currently the _ least _ of her problems.

“Judy, sweetheart! What’d you do to your arm?” Abe had asked when she sat beside him.

“Oh, uh, I fell.”

“You _ fell? _”

Judy shrugged, “Well, I fainted. Landed on it wrong.”

Abe nodded slowly. “How long you gotta wear that thing?”

“A few weeks? I think? But it’s really not a big deal.”

“You getting along okay? Your friend taking care of you?”

Judy sighed, wincing inwardly. “She is, yeah. But I don’t know, I feel like I’m becoming way too much of a burden. I mean, I’m already living in her house, you know?”

Abe gave a small shrug, “Hey, I say if you get a free ride, take it. At least for now. Better than living in this place. Or with that asshole, Steve.”

Judy chuckled, “It is. But I think Jen maybe deserves better.”

“Well. Does she like having you there?”

Judy chewed her lip, “I guess so, yeah, but—”

“Do you think she’d be happier if you left?”

“Well, no, but—”

“Then there you go. You have your answer,” Abe said matter-of-factly, returning to his puzzle.

Judy sighed. She realized there was really no way she could really explain her guilt without revealing what happened, so she stopped fighting it then and there. “I guess you’re right. Thanks, Abe.”

“She wouldn’t want you to go, sweetie. Call me crazy, but it seems like that woman’s in love with you.”

“What?” Judy asked quickly, her heart starting to pound.

“She was with me the other night when you called her. Very nice lady.”

“Oh.”

“Seemed to me like she’d had her heart broken.”

Judy shifted uncomfortably in her seat, assuming he had more to say.

“She was crying when she hung up.”

Judy nodded sadly, she’d expected no different. 

“She seems a lot better for you than Steve. Be kind to this one. Don’t let her down again.”

Judy nodded again, a pout forming on her lips. “I know. Will you excuse me?” As quickly and subtly as she could, Judy made her way to the bathroom, closing herself in before she let her tears gush from her eyes.

The more she grew to love Jen, the more she hated herself. And the brutal reminder that came with Abe’s kind words was enough to tear her heart in two. Jen really did deserve so much better, but she couldn’t leave now. Not that she wanted to, but at this point she knew Jen would probably find out the truth in some way or another, and the thought shook her to her core.

__________

Judy arrived home that evening before Jen; she wanted to do anything that she could for her, so she resolved to cleaning the house. Since she had plenty of time, she did a great job of it, too. She was reminded of Ted’s birthday, how quickly and eagerly she was getting ready, motivated by the slight fear that Jen might walk in and see before she was completely finished. This was certainly something she could do with one good arm, even if it took a bit longer. It was easier to function when she didn’t have Jen watching her so intently, getting her flustered and fumbling.

Judy wanted to do everything she could to make up for that morning; not only did she make Jen wake up earlier than necessary and take care of her, but also got her hot and bothered with no payout. Even if that hadn’t been intentional.

When Jen finally got home, Judy was waiting for her in the kitchen. Jen let out a sigh of relief that comes with finishing one’s work for the day and finally having the opportunity to relax. She dropped her keys and bag unceremoniously and made her way over to Judy, who was sitting up on a stool. “God am I happy to see you,” she placed a hand on Judy’s shoulder and softly kissed the top of her head. 

Judy stared up at her sympathetically, “Everything okay?”

“Yeah. Today has just been a fucking _ day. _”

Nodding understandingly, Judy snaked an arm around Jen’s waist, resting her head against her side, “Do you wanna talk about it?”

“Nah, it’s okay. Just _ Lorna, _” and that statement was more than enough for Judy to understand. Jen sniffed the air, “It smells really good in here, did you clean?”

Judy nodded, “A little bit.”

Jen glanced around the room, “You _ really _ cleaned. Shit, Judy. What are you doing? You don’t have to do that. You shouldn’t be straining yourself.”

“It’s nothing, seriously. Just wanted to show some appreciation.”

Jen sighed, “Judy, thank you. Really, thank you. But I don’t want you to feel like you have to do me any favors just because I’m taking care of you.”

Not knowing how to respond, Judy nodded sadly, burying her head in Jen’s chest; Jen pulling the smaller woman into her embrace. Judy accepted the fact that she couldn’t make Jen understand without making things so much worse, but she’d keep doing whatever she could to even the playing field.

The next few days were torture for Judy; she’d given in to letting Jen help her get ready for bed each night and ready for work in the morning. They’d gotten into a routine of Jen helping her out of her clothes every night before bed and into something comfortable, and when Judy showered in the morning, Jen would join in when she was about halfway done and help her finish up, and then help her into her clothes for the day, make her breakfast, and drive her to work. These were things Judy had grown to thoroughly enjoy, but the guilt outweighed that.

Jen, on the other hand, was more than happy to take care of Judy; she liked to feel needed, and for the first time in a while, she felt like she had a purpose. All was well on Jen’s end aside from one thing: she and Judy hadn’t had sex in almost a week. Usually, this wouldn’t be a very notable, especially if both parties were on the same page, but Jen and Judy were still a brand new couple, and Jen had tried to initiate something every night for the past five or six nights, but Judy always had an excuse not to. Jen completely understood, of course, and never pushed it, but the situation was already becoming unsettlingly familiar.

From Judy’s perspective, she thought she was better off distancing herself sexually; thinking that if she tried anything while she was like this she’d end up hurting herself in any position but on her back. She was worried that anything they did would be disappointing on Jen’s part and embarrassing, so she was avoiding it entirely, but this wasn’t easy for either of them. In fact, Judy was pretty sure she was more bothered than Jen at this point, since she hadn’t been left by herself in days and couldn’t relieve the tension on her own as she’d assumed Jen had. This was among the many reasons why she made Jen attend a dance class. She thought this would, at the very least, give her some privacy.

It _ did _ give her _ some _ privacy; for the better part of the afternoon, anyways, but the class didn’t take up nearly as much time as Judy had expected. Much like she had been weeks before, Judy was caught red-handed. She was sprawled on Jen’s bed, _ their _ bed now, enveloped in Jen’s smell, picturing Jen on top of her, eyes closed, hand down the front of her panties, robe splayed open to expose her bare stomach and chest, as she didn’t have the energy to take it off entirely. This time around, Jen walking in wasn’t _ as _ mortifying—given that Jen had already seen her naked many times, seen the way her face contorts when she’s close to coming, heard her moans up close—but even so, the situation wasn’t ideal, especially after having pretended she wasn’t in the mood for almost a week.

“Well, hello. This is awfully familiar,” Jen teased upon entering the room. She was coated with sweat, hair pulled back, wearing all black, her loose shirt falling off her shoulder to expose the strap of her black sports bra when Judy looked up at her.

“Fuck!” Judy quickly pulled her hand out of her panties, yanking a blanket over herself. She wondered if she could play it off like she was doing anything else, but it was obvious that she couldn’t. “Uhh, hey! Didn’t know you’d be back so soon . . .” Judy was breathing heavily, clinging tightly to Jen’s comforter.

“Yeah? I didn’t realize I’d be interrupting something,” Jen said as she crawled up onto the bed.

“You’re . . . you’re not. You _ weren’t _, I mean. I was just, uh, bored is all.” Judy glanced in all directions, hardly able to look up.

“Mm-hmm,” Jen hummed, crawling up to Judy and moving to straddle her waist, “is that all? Were you thinking about me?”

Judy’s cheeks went crimson, “Uh . . .” _ Yes. _

“Would you like me to help you finish?” Jen raised an eyebrow suggestively.

Judy went into a slight panic, “Uh, well, no no. You don’t have to. Being walked in on kind of . . . snapped me out of it, I think, I—” she had trouble continuing with her excuses when she saw Jen’s expression fall; she looked like a kicked puppy and Judy knew it was her own fault. “Are you okay?” she blurted out.

Jen sighed, “Yeah, yeah. It’s fine.”

Judy chewed her lip nervously, glancing around, “It doesn’t . . . seem fine?”

Jen sighed again, more exasperated. “It just feels like you’re . . . not attracted to me . . . lately,” she slowly climbed off of Judy, sitting up beside her.

Judy’s mouth fell open, “Jen, that’s— oh my god, how could you think that? Of course I am.”

“Well, lately you won’t even touch me . . . which is, kind of a problem that I’ve had before,” Jen’s eyes started brimming slightly with tears, “And I’m not saying you _ have _ to be attracted to me, but please don’t pretend like you are if you—”

“Jen, oh my god, I am _ so _ attracted to you. Oh my god, I’m such an asshole, I wasn’t even thinking about . . . Fuck, Jen, I’m so sorry. I promise it’s nothing to do with you. God, I’m an idiot,” Judy shook her head shamefully, unable to look at Jen.

“Then what is it?”

“It’s so stupid. I just don’t think I’ll be able to perform well with . . . this,” she gestured to her bad arm. “Like, I can’t put any pressure on it at all and I know you’d have no problem . . . you know, but I don’t think I’d be able to return the favor. And that’s not fair, you know? I don’t wanna be like—”

Jen cut her off with another heavy sigh. “Seriously? You _ are _ such an idiot. Judy, I don’t _ need _ you to always reciprocate, for one, but why didn’t you just tell me? We can find positions that are comfortable for you if you’re that worried about it, okay?” She huffed, “Don’t freak me out like that. I’ve been overthinking this so damn much.”

“Sorry. Shit, I’m sorry! You’re right, I just . . .”

“Alright, stop talking,” Jen climbed back on top of her now, “and stop torturing yourself. What do you want me to do for you?”

“You don’t have to—”

“Judy.”

“Okay, okay. Um. Show me what you learned today?”

Jen cocked her head to the side and eyed Judy with some confusion. “You want me to dance?”

Judy nodded slowly, “Mm-hmm.”

“I mean, it wasn’t all that sexy. I don’t know if—”

“Hey, you asked _ me _ what I wanted,” Judy slipped her good arm under the covers, moving her hand in the direction of her panties, “dance for me?”

“Mm, okay,” Jen smirked, grabbing the top of her comforter and peeling it off of Judy, only to find her fingers tucked into the front of her panties. “Let me help you out here,” she took them by the waistband and tugged they down once Judy lifted her hips from the bed, now able to watch Judy’s fingers at work. “If I’m putting on a show for you, you better return the favor,” Jen said, pushing Judy’s legs apart by the knees.

Judy nodded desperately.

“No finishing until after I’m done. Got it?”

Judy nodded again, biting down on her bottom lip and still working between her legs.

“Okay . . . God, I can’t believe I’m doing this. Hang on.” Jen hooked up her phone to her Bluetooth speaker and dug through her bag for her bowler hat. The opening of “Sing Sing Sing” started playing as Jen turned her back to Judy, lifting and dropping her shoulder to the rhythm. Judy was immediately overwhelmed, it was quite clear that Jen had altered the dance for her viewing pleasure. She was sure the part where Jen threw off her shirt had not been something she’d done in class that day. Having already been somewhat far along, Judy was desperately trying to keep herself from finishing, but it was agonizing.

The moment she could tell the number was close to finished, she couldn’t keep it together anymore. “Get the fuck over here now, will you?” she blurted out.

Jen chuckled, making her way excitedly back onto the bed, “What did you think?” she asked as she crawled on top of Judy, holding herself up to keep from putting any pressure on her bad arm.

“Oh, God, Jen. You’ll have to start doing that more often.”

“Yeah? Really?” Jen asked, reaching down to subtly take Judy’s wrist and move it away from where it had been working all this time.

“Yes, really. Shit, Jen. I can’t believe you can—_ oh! _” Judy felt Jen’s hand slip its way between her legs. “Fuck.”

“Sorry, didn’t mean to cut you off, just missed _ that _ sound so much.”

“Mm,” Judy nodded wordlessly, letting out a happy sigh “Oh, yeah. I’ve missed this.”

“Yeah . . . so have I.” Jen rolled over onto her side next to Judy, keeping a hand between her legs, and nuzzled her nose into the crook of Judy’s neck and shoulder, kissing her neck softly while she worked between her legs. It didn’t take long before Judy’s legs were convulsing, her back arching at the familiar sensation of coming undone on Jen’s fingertips.

“Thanks . . . for that,” Judy chuckled between heavy breaths. “How can I, um,” she turned her head towards Jen, who reached out to push her hair behind her ear, “return the favor?”

“I already told you, you don’t have to.”

“Okay, but what if I really _ want _ to?”

Jen chuckled, “Alright, alright.” She sat up, climbing off of the bed and letting her hair down, Judy watching it cascade over her bare shoulders while she stood in nothing but a strappy sports bra and leggings. “Get up,” Jen took Judy by the hand and helped her off the bed, leading her to the foot of it, where she stopped with her back to the mattress, Judy facing her. “Okay, get on your knees.”


	10. Enough to Prove

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jen and Judy deal with their intimacy problems; Judy realizes Jen is struggling financially

Judy grinned at Jen, feeling a wave of excitement spread through her. “Oh, okay,” she said as she kneeled, “What now, boss?”

Jen threw her head back and shook it, chuckling. “Will you shut up?” she looked down at Judy, reaching for the top of her head, combing her fingers through dark brown roots. “Take my pants off.” Jen’s voice came from the very back of her throat, low and sultry.

“I like where this is going,” Judy hooked the fingers of her good hand under the waistband of Jen’s leggings, attempting to tug them down by alternating between sides, eventually getting them past her hips.

“Need some help there?” Jen teased.

“No, I can do it, I can do it,” Judy said, reassuring herself. The pants were loose enough that they fell to the floor in a heap once she got them past the thickest part of Jen’s thighs. “See?” she asked smugly, “I can get these off too,” she said as she ran a finger under the waistband of Jen’s panties.

“Yeah? Alright, show me.”

Judy’s good hand made its way around the small of Jen’s back, gripping her panties by the back of their waistband. Jen watched with bated breath as Judy leaned her face forward towards the front of her underwear, and hooked her front teeth over their elastic, gripping them within her bite and tugging downward while the hand behind her back did the same. Jen’s breath hitched as Judy’s top lip and nose grazed a particularly sensitive expanse of skin. 

Judy had to readjust her grip a couple of times, but she was able to get them most of the way down Jen’s legs like this, which she was quite proud of. “Wow,” Jen said in astonishment, “not what I was expecting, but that was quite a show you just put on.”

Judy grinned up at her, shrugging innocently; “I thought I was just being innovative.”

Jen breathed an exaggerated “ _ Whew _ ,” shaking her head. “Okay,” she sat at the edge of the bed and kicked the rest of the way out of her pants, opening her legs for Judy. “How’s this?”

“Oh,” the grin had been wiped off of Judy’s face at the sight. “Uh, yeah, I think this position will work for me.” Judy scooted forward on her knees, tucking her head between Jen’s thighs. She gripped Jen’s knee with her good hand for leverage, sinking her teeth into the fleshiest part of her thigh before laying soft, wet kisses along her skin.

Jen’s eyelids fell shut as she leaned back on her palms, opening her legs wider. “Ugh, quit teasing me, babe,” Jen groaned.

Judy was quick to obey her, all too excited to taste Jen after depriving herself all this time. Jen moaned softly at the contact, finding so much pleasure in the familiarity of Judy’s touch. It wasn’t long before Jen was laying on her back, unable to sit up any longer while Judy’s mouth was doing what it was doing. She was gripping her blankets as tight as she could, letting Judy toy with her as much as she wanted. “Fuuuuck,” Jen whispered. Judy was working hard on her now, knowing she was close to the edge. 

Her mouth remained between Jen’s legs when she spoke; “Are you gonna come?”

“ _ Judy! _ ” Jen yelled in frustration, throwing a hand over her own face.

“Right, sorry,” she said before dipping back in, working determinedly while Jen’s thighs clamped down against the sides of her head. They shook violently as Jen finished, Judy attempting to hold her hips down against the bed with her one good hand, but she could hardly hold her still. Jen had been holding a hand over her mouth to keep from making too much noise at the risk of the boys hearing; when she pulled her hand away she found her own teeth marks on it. “Shit,” she panted, her chest rising and falling rapidly as Judy climbed up onto the bed.

“You okay?” Judy asked, moving to straddle Jen’s legs. 

“More than okay. So much better,” Jen said with a soft smile, pushing herself into a seated position with Judy now in her lap, facing towards her, knees on either side of her legs. Jen let her arms hang loosely around the small of Judy’s back, fingers clasped. “Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me,” Judy sighed, running her fingers through Jen’s hair. “I’m sorry. I should’ve just been honest with you.”

“Well, it’s alright now. But yeah, you should have.”

Judy looked down and nodded sadly.

Jen pursed her lips, her expression sinking at the sight of Judy’s little pout. “It’s okay,” Jen placed a hand on either side of Judy’s head, pulling her in to kiss the top of her hair. She was frustrated knowing she couldn’t squeeze Judy without hurting her, but she settled for the kiss. “Hey. Look at me?” Jen placed a finger under Judy’s chin, tilting her face back up towards herself. Judy raised her eyebrows expectantly, trying to rid herself of her pout. She was waiting for Jen to say something, but Jen leaned in instead, tugging Judy’s face in just a bit closer with the crook of her finger. Judy’s expression softened, eyes falling shut as Jen’s lips softly brushed her own, her lips parting as Judy’s parted with them. Jen’s tongue swept gently across her top lip before they completely closed the gap between them, Jen’s hand moving to the back of Judy’s neck and tangling into her hair. Judy let her good arm fall lazily around the back of Jen’s neck as she kissed her deeply. Jen’s hands eventually found their way under Judy’s robe, fingers sliding over the warm, smooth skin of her lower back and waist while Judy rolled her hips against Jen’s lap, humming softly into her mouth.

Just when they’d forgotten about the world around them, there was a sharp bang on Jen’s door.

In a state of panic, Jen pulled her hands from Judy’s robe, the two of them stopped their kiss and froze, their hearts pounding. 

“Mom?!” Charlie’s voice called from behind the door.

Jen’s face went red with embarrassment. “Not now, Char! I’m getting ready!”

“Well I need a new laptop. Mine’s getting old,” he called back, she could hear him walking away, probably on his laptop as he spoke, she thought. She wanted to yell something back, but didn’t want to engage, knowing she’d just dodged a bullet. But when did he start acting like such an entitled prick? She wondered.

“Fuck,” Jen breathed out in a sigh of relief, and she started to laugh, both hands over her red face. Judy couldn’t help it, she started to giggle too, letting her face fall into Jen’s shoulder. The embarrassment of the whole situation was nostalgic for both of them. Jen could recall multiple occasions when she was a teenager of her mother or father coming knocking on her bedroom door or barging in while she was in the middle of a heated makeout session with a boy, having to quickly separate and act like nothing was happening, breathing heavy and red in the face. The humor and irony of their situation wasn’t lost on either of them.

Trying to stop her laughing, Jen patted Judy’s back. “Okay,” she started, “we really should get ready. We both still need to shower.”

“Yeah, I guess.” Judy started pulling the strap of her sling over her head, setting it down on the bed once she got it off. Jen slid her robe off of her shoulders, working both of Judy’s arms out of it before tossing it aside, helping a naked Judy back into her sling. “Thanks,” Judy murmured. Jen was wearing nothing but her sports bra, Judy wanted so badly to tug it up over her head, but knew she’d embarrass herself attempting to do that with one hand.

“Mm-hmm,” Jen said in response, pulling her bra up and over her head herself. “Ready?” 

Judy nodded and climbed off of Jen’s lap, making her way to the adjoining bathroom. She felt Jen’s swift hand land hard on her ass. “ _ Ouch!  _ That hurt.” 

“That did not hurt, don’t be so dramatic,” Jen laughed, strutting past her. Judy scrunched up her nose at that, but followed close behind.

They were used to their routine by now, Jen wrapping a plastic bag over Judy’s sling and letting Judy step into the water in front of her. Usually Jen would get Judy washed up and then herself after Judy had stepped out, although sometimes Judy would stay, if the two of them were talking. And Judy liked the view. She relaxed against Jen now, letting her head fall against her chest. Jen held the smaller woman loosely, feeling the heat of her skin against her own as she ran a soapy pouf over her back. Judy moaned softly against her, sounding relaxed.

“Enjoying this?” 

“Mmm,” Judy hummed, nodding against Jen’s chest. “I think this is my favorite part of the day.”

“I think it’s mine too.”

After a bout of comfortable silence, Jen spoke up, now conditioning Judy’s hair; “I’m really annoyed with Charlie right now.”

Judy slipped out of her relaxed trance. “About the laptop thing?”

“Yeah,” Jen huffed. “He never used to talk to me like that. He didn’t act this way while Ted was around. He’s acting so spoiled, like I’m just gonna pull a new laptop out of my ass. I can barely swing the mortgage this month and he’s just—”

“Wait, what? Is everything okay?” Judy interrupted, turning to face Jen.

Jen sighed, throwing her arms over Judy’s shoulders. “Yeah it’s just . . . money’s a little tight right now. Actually, it’s very tight.”

“Well, let me contribute,” Judy said quickly. It was now hitting her that she might be even more of a nuisance than she thought.

“No,” Jen retorted, shaking her head.

Judy offered up the money from her joint account with Steve, but Jen had no interest. This she could understand, but she still wasn’t okay with the idea of not helping. 

“I can pick up some extra hours at work. Seriously, Jen, you should’ve told me. I can help.”

“You’re a  _ guest _ in this house, you don’t need to help.”

Judy sighed, “Am I, though?”

Jen opened her mouth to say yes, but stopped herself, taking a moment to ponder the question. Judy  _ was _ a guest when she was staying in the guest house; when Jen first invited her, before Palm Springs and everything that followed. But now Judy was living inside her home, sleeping in her bed with her, helping her around the house, acting almost as a second mother to her children. It now occurred to her that neither of them wanted all of this to be temporary, even if they couldn’t say that to each other yet.

“No,” Jen said definitively. “No, I guess you’re not just a guest here anymore.”

“Exactly. So let me help.”

Jen huffed and dropped her arms from Judy’s shoulders, taking a moment to think. “Alright. But please, no more than you can give. I don’t wanna put you out like that.”

“You’re not putting me out. Seriously. If I’m living here I should be helping.” Judy took a step closer and wrapped her arm around Jen’s waist, letting the hot water flow over her hair. “It’s okay to accept some help sometimes.”

Jen let out a sigh, nodding, her eyes searching Judy’s. “Yeah. I guess I’ll have to swallow my pride for now. Thank you, Judy.” She accepted the hug Judy was attempting to give, wrapping her arms around the small of her back, resting her head on the smaller woman’s shoulder.

Judy rubbed her back, squeezing her eyes shut. She felt a pang or guilt when she realized she was the reason Jen was no longer living in a dual-income household and that she’d done nothing to help. Now was her chance to try and fix that, she thought, but she could hardly afford to. It was looking like she’d need to ask for a raise at work, something she really didn’t want to do. But for Jen, it’d be worth it to try.

“Okay,” Jen said with a hint of relief, separating from their hug. “Let me finish washing your hair so I can wash up.”

Judy nodded, turning back around and letting Jen’s fingers tangle their way into her hair.

Once they’d finished their shower and gotten dressed, Judy lingered in the bathroom for as long as she could; under the pretext of finishing her makeup. She waited until Jen went downstairs to go back into the bedroom, knowing Jen and Charlie were probably about to get into it and not wanting to witness it. But that didn’t mean she wouldn’t eavesdrop.

Judy only caught the tail end of their yelling match, which ended with Jen screaming “You can’t just go running to Lorna every time you need something!” but by then she could assume Charlie had stormed off. After a deep, cleansing breath, Judy felt ready to make her way downstairs, knowing she’d find Jen still smouldering from the argument. At this point, Judy was used to navigating Jen’s explosions; it was like defusing a bomb, if she cut one wrong wire it was all over for herself and everyone in Jen’s general vicinity. 

“So . . . I’m guessing that conversation didn’t go very well?” Judy asked as she sauntered awkwardly into the kitchen. She found Jen leaning over the island against her palms, eyes closed, taking deep breaths. All Jen could do was shake her head. Approaching her cautiously, Judy placed a gentle hand on the back of her shoulder, keeping it there after Jen initially flinched. Eventually, Jen’s shoulders relaxed at Judy’s touch, and she turned into her one-armed embrace.

“I really am asleep at the wheel,” Jen whispered, sniffling.

“Jen, it’s not your fault.” Judy rubbed her back soothingly

“No, it is my fault.” Jen couldn’t stop picturing it; the fight she had with Ted on his last night, and the fact that Charlie had witnessed it. She couldn’t imagine what he thought of her after that night.

Judy sighed, “Don’t let yourself believe that.”

“I’ll try not to.” Jen knew she couldn’t get into  _ why _ it was her fault without completely breaking down, so she left it at that.

Jen took her sweet time leaving, dreading the work day ahead of her, knowing she’d have to ask  _ Lorna  _ for help. She sighed, “Well, I’m off to sell my soul to the devil,” she told Judy, gathering her things. Judy was clearing plates from the kitchen island and placing them in the sink, she frowned at Jen. “Alright, well, my dignity at least,” Jen said as she pulled her bag onto her shoulder.

“Hey, I’m sure it won’t be as bad as you think,” Judy said as she crossed the kitchen in Jen’s direction. “But good luck.” Judy placed a hand on Jen’s upper arm, giving it a squeeze. Jen closed her eyes for a moment and nodded. 

“Thanks. Well, I gotta go. I’ll see you later, babe.” They shared a brief goodbye kiss before Jen had to rush out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Think I'm about to post a separate one-shot as well. Happy holidays, all!


	11. It's All For You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Judy tries to get Jen's attention while she's working; Jen has to ask Judy about something pressing.
> 
> A cutesy chapter to distract from the looming confession.

Now that the guesthouse was no longer Judy’s bedroom, it became a sort of hideaway for both women. That was where they’d sometimes have a drink together before bed or have conversations they didn’t want the boys hearing. Or do other things they didn’t want the boys hearing. But today Jen was in there alone, using Judy’s desk as a workspace, checking her work email and Zillow. There was something she couldn’t get out of her head, and she kept on coming back to it. Something Lorna had shown her hours earlier. She kept looking over the property: Sapphire Terrace. Steve was the perfect candidate for this palace, and she knew it. But how inappropriate would it be to work directly with her girlfriend’s ex-fiancé? She wondered if that would upset Judy, now that she was over him—or so she said. Jen reasoned with herself, remembering the first time she worked with Steve and how uncomfortable Judy was with it, but that was only because she wanted to keep living in that house with him. It wouldn’t be like that this time, would it? Jen wondered. Judy had no feelings left for him, right?

She continued clicking aimlessly through the picturesque shots of the property, debating. But her clicking was interrupted when the guest house door swung open with Judy in its wake, just getting back from putting the groceries away.

“Oh hey, sweetie,” Jen said without looking up, still focused on her laptop.

“Hey. Whatcha doing?” Judy made her way in and tossed her purse onto the guesthouse bed.

“Just working,” Jen muttered.

“Oh.” Judy sat down on the bed, watching Jen click and type away. “Well, I missed you.”

“Yeah, you too.” Jen barely lifted her head from the screen when she said this, trying to finish responding to all of her emails as quickly as possible for Judy’s sake.

Judy huffed, not used to not receiving Jen’s immediate, full attention. She stood and came up behind Jen, putting a hand on her shoulder, hoping she’d turn around. When she didn’t, Judy took a step around her and turned, dropping into her lap. Jen chuckled, but still typed on her laptop with her arms reaching around Judy. Judy sighed and nuzzled Jen’s neck, curling up a bit in her lap, her good arm around the back of Jen’s neck. 

“Sorry, just one second,” Jen said, finishing up an email, Judy responding with an exaggerated sigh. “Alright,” she hit ‘send’, “all set.” Both of her arms wrapped around Judy, squeezing her lovingly. “Sorry, sorry. Hello, sweetheart. I missed you too.”

“Really? Doesn’t seem like it.”

Jen laughed, pulling Judy’s lips in for a soft kiss. “Of course I did.”

“I guess I believe you,” Judy said before nuzzling her head back into Jen’s neck and shoulder.

“You really are codependent, aren’t you?”

Judy lifted her head, sitting up in Jen’s lap. “Shit. I am, right?”

Jen combed her fingertips through the brunette’s hair. “That’s okay. I like it.” Jen pulled her in a touch closer.

“I love that you like it.”

“Mm.” Jen kept running her fingers through, and Judy leaned into her touch. “So, I have to talk to you about something.”

Judy felt an immediate sense of panic, even if her rational brain told her Jen’s tone was too calm for it to be anything too serious. “Okay, sure.”

“Alright, well,” Jen took a deep breath, “it’s just that I have this really good opportunity . . . There’s this beautiful property and I think if I can get someone to put a deposit down on it I might just have enough commission to, you know, pay my mortgage, and get myself out of this rut. But the only eligible—“

“—Steve?” Judy asked flatly, not letting Jen finish her statement.

“Yeah. Steve. I just wanted to know if that would be too weird for you.”

“Um,” Judy squirmed a bit in Jen’s lap. This was much different from last time. When she first found out that Jen was working with him—her first night at Jen’s—she still had feelings for him. Before she still had  _ hope _ for that house, and that was still  _ their _ house to her. But now it was nothing more than his, and she knew he would probably be starting a family with another woman. The thought of him raising a family with a different woman in what was once their shared home made her skin crawl, even if she didn’t want that with him anymore. She concluded that she’d feel better if he didn’t live in that house anymore. Even if she didn’t like the idea of Jen and Steve interacting—for many reasons—she knew it was in Jen and the boys’ best interest to let her have this sale, so she gave in. 

“It’s okay,” Judy finally said. “As long as I don’t have to see him myself, I don’t really care. God, I hate his stupid fucking face.”

“That’s the spirit,” Jen said dryly. “And thank you.”

Judy sighed and rested her head on Jen’s shoulder, a silence fell between the two of them.

“So . . . How much did you miss me?” Jen suddenly asked.

“I don’t know, you tell me,” Judy said as she climbed off of Jen’s lap, grinning as she turned to straddle it instead, her dress bunching up at the waist. She had been  _ waiting _ for Jen to initiate something.

“Show me,” Jen whispered.

Judy’s hand found the back of Jen’s neck, pulling her into a deep kiss. Jen’s hands were on her lower back, pulling her in closer while she traced Judy’s lips with her tongue. When she felt Judy’s hips start to roll, Jen’s hands moved down to her ass, squeezing and guiding her lower body as she gyrated against her thighs. She was moaning softly into Jen’s mouth, craving more of her touch.

“Why don’t I show  _ you _ how much I missed you?” Jen whispered against Judy’s mouth. Judy couldn’t help but grin. She wrapped her good arm tight around the back of Jen’s neck, suspecting she would do something she often did when they were in this position.

Expecting it or not, Judy still squealed and buried her head in Jen’s shoulder when Jen hooked her hands under her thighs, stood from the chair, and carried her towards the bed. Judy was squeezing Jen’s waist with a vice-like grip with her thighs before she gently—being mindful of Judy’s injury—set her down at the edge of the mattress, laying her on her back. Judy was grinning up at her, waiting. 

Jen returned her expression as she leaned over her and kissed her lips, hiking up her dress with her free hand. She was too impatient to get the dress off and around Judy’s cast right now, so she yanked it upwards until she’d exposed the bottom half of Judy’s stomach. Jen’s lips never left Judy’s as she ran a hand down her stomach and over her panties, putting some pressure between her legs with the tips of her fingers, already feeling Judy getting wetter through the cotton. Judy groaned needily into her mouth, trying to rub herself against Jen’s fingers. Jen continued to massage her through the fabric, making Judy whine.

“Take them off,” she mumbled against Jen’s lips, frustrated that she couldn’t easily take them off herself.

“Sorry, what was that?” Jen asked teasingly.

Judy huffed; “Take them off  _ please _ ?”

“Take what off please?”

Judy squirmed with frustration, her face getting hot; “ _ Please  _ take my panties off.”

“Ohhh, I see.” Jen now climbed off of her and kneeled by the side of the bed, which Judy’s legs were hanging over. She ran a finger under the waistband of Judy’s panties. “These?”

“ _ Jen! _ ”

Jen laughed a bit at her frustration, but decided to stop teasing her and pulled them down, Judy lifting her legs and pulling her feet through the leg holes to get them off faster. Once Jen tossed them aside, she pushed Judy’s knees apart.

“Fuck,” Judy whispered, throwing a hand over her face as she knew what came next. Though she still gasped when she felt Jen’s mouth between her legs.

After getting off on Jen’s tongue, Judy’s shaky thighs squeezing her head, she invited Jen to join her on the bed. Judy sat up in the middle of the mattress, patting the spot in front of her. Jen climbed onto the bed and sat across from her.

Again, Judy wanted to return the favor, but she was nervous about initiating anything, and she didn’t have a plan. To calm her nerves, she pulled Jen in for a kiss, tasting herself on Jen’s tongue, thinking. She used her good hand to start unbuttoning Jen’s blouse, fumbling awkwardly with her fingers. Jen giggled against her mouth, not helping the process.

“Having some trouble there?”

“Shut up. Can’t you wear something easier for me to take off?”

Jen giggled again, now helping Judy finish getting it off. Naked from the waist up, she pulled Judy into another kiss while Judy’s fingers played over her bare chest. Jen couldn’t help but think of how far she’d come thanks to Judy. She realized Judy taking her shirt off didn’t make her heart pound anymore, and she no longer felt the desire to cross her arms over her chest when it was exposed. Ted had done so much damage to her relationship with her body that she thought would never be undone, but now Judy was laying Jen down on her back, bending over her to leave a trail of kisses on her chest. And Jen felt comfortable, and loved. “So beautiful,” Judy whispered. Jen smiled softly, running her fingers tenderly through Judy’s hair as she continued to be showered with kisses.

“God, I love you,” Jen murmured under her breath. She hadn’t even meant to say it, it just came out naturally. She told Judy she loved her before, but she’d been too nervous to say it ever since. And now it just slipped out.

Judy sat up, beaming at her. “I love you too.”

Jen couldn’t help the grin that overcame her, and Judy was eating it up.

“Okay,” Judy said as she leaned down and started fiddling with the button of Jen’s pants, “let’s get these off.” All she could successfully do was get them unbuttoned and unzipped, pulling them off was out of the question.

“Need some help there?” 

Judy nodded, pouting.

“Alright, alright,” Jen said as she worked her jeans off, letting them fall to the floor. 

“What about these?” Judy hooked her finger under the waistband of Jen’s panties and pulled it downward. Jen put a hand over Judy’s, “God, maybe take me out to dinner first.”

“Jennn,” Judy whined, “please?”

“Okay, babe,” Jen said before stripping her panties off. “Now what?”

“Hmm.” Judy still knelt beside Jen, who was laying on her back, and looked her up and down, running her good hand over the expanse of exposed skin in front of her, starting at Jen’s chest all the way down to her thigh. Jen spread her legs a bit, hoping Judy would notice and take the hint, but she continued to tease.

“Come on, baby,” Jen said before taking Judy’s hand in her own and guiding it between her legs; she always had to be in control. Judy followed her lead, playing her fingers through Jen’s wetness but not knowing if she’d be successful in getting her off from this awkward position. 

“I have a better idea,” Judy said, pulling her hand away. “Sit on my face?”

Jen was completely caught off-guard by that request, a blush spreading over her neck and chest. “Uh, I feel like face-sitting is more your thing.”

“Come on, Jen, it’s gotta be the least strenuous position for my injury.”

“Hm. But what if I suffocate you?”

Judy rolled her eyes. “You won’t. Although, that wouldn’t be a bad way to go. Seriously, though, it’s a better position than this.”

“I don’t know . . . I’ve never said yes to doing that before. Squatting over someone’s face is just a bit more compromising than I’m used to. Not a very sexy angle.”

Judy shrugged, “Well if you’re not comfortable with it that’s totally okay and you don’t have to. But there’s no need to be shy around me, seriously. I love every square inch of your body.”

Jen could feel her face heating up, hating knowing that Judy could probably see the red in her cheeks. “I’m not shy, I just—“ she threw her hands over her face, “Ugh, okay. You’re right. I know you do.” 

Judy grinned, “Good. Now come here,” she said as she laid on her back, “we can stop if you’re not into it.”

“Alright.” Jen crawled over to her, trying to decide on the most graceful way to do this. But she concluded that there wasn’t a graceful way to get into this position, so she got on as quickly as possible, bringing one knee over Judy’s face and lowering herself just a bit, worried about smothering her. It was an uncomfortable experience at first, because Jen was thinking too much about it, but eventually the pleasure between her legs was enough to distract her. Once she was able to focus on the sensation, it wasn’t hard for Judy to finish the job. Although she could hardly hold herself up at that point, and could barely feel her legs. She climbed off awkwardly then, feeling like she was dismounting a bike, accidentally kneeing Judy in the nose.

“Oh my god! I’m so sorry, are you okay? Fuck.” Jen’s face started heating up again.

“It’s okay!” Judy sat up, laughing, “I’m fine!” She started wiping her mouth off with her hand, “You did great. Very graceful.” Judy leaned down and kissed Jen’s forehead.

“Ugh. Don’t patronize me,” Jen complained.

“I’m not! Did you like that?”

“I mean . . . I came, didn’t I?”

“That you did. You better have enjoyed it because I think my jaw is broken,” Judy complained.

“Yeah? How’s your nose?” Jen teased.

The two of them went on with their banter but ended up under the covers together, cuddling because Jen was cold, fingertips exploring one another. 

“No falling asleep,” Judy said sternly after about a half hour.

“Why not?”

“Because it’s the middle of the afternoon and you won’t sleep tonight if you do now. I know you.” 

“Fine,” Jen grumbled.

The two of them took forever to get back up, but Judy had to go to work and Jen still needed to contact Steve, which she was dreading. Jen got dressed quickly after washing up in the bathroom. 

“Alright, let’s go,” Jen said as she reached for the door.

“Wait,” Judy said awkwardly, “I’m not wearing any panties, remember?”

“Oh, right. Need some help?” Jen offered. 

Judy nodded before pulling a pair from her drawer and handing it to Jen. Jen squatted down and held them out for her to step into. Almost falling down in the process—as per usual—Judy managed to get her feet through, letting Jen tug them up under her dress and adjust them properly. This instance made Judy realize how dependent she’d gotten. She’d be helpless without Jen at this point, she thought.

“Thanks.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's always fun to watch someone's reaction when you ask them to sit on your face and they're not generally The Sitter. Hope you all found that amusing. Thanks for reading and all your sweet comments!


	12. I Had All and Then Most of You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jen meets up with Steve; Steve confronts Judy; Jen reveals dark new secrets

Jen was lucky enough to catch Steve on a good day; he had a small opening in his schedule and had been willing to look at the property that day. She was happy to have gotten this whole interaction over with so soon. “Shit. Fuckin’ A. Fuckin’ A, fuckin’ A, hell,” she said to herself after Steve was out of earshot, letting the reality of this commission set in. Her internal calculations of what that commission would be were interrupted by the sound of her phone ringing. She checked the screen. Judy. “Hey, sweetie, what’s up?” Jen asked as she answered the call, sounding a bit more chipper than usual after receiving such good news. “Tampons? They’re under the sink where they always are . . . Well look again . . . Babe, I promise you they’re there, I don’t keep them anywhere else . . . Judy, will you just check again? . . . Did you look behind the toilet paper? . . . Uh-huh. I told you . . . No no, it’s alright, sorry, I’m happy to help . . . It’s okay, baby. Have a good day at work.” Jen sighed and chuckled, “Yeah, I love you too . . . Alright. Bye, honey.” She hung up the phone and promptly turned around to go back through the house, only to be met by Steve standing about five feet in front of her. She jumped, startled. “Jesus,” she put a hand over her heart, calming herself. Then she realized she shouldn’t feel calm right now. “Fuck,” she whispered, “Uh, how much of that did you hear?” Steve’s eyebrows were lifted, mouth hanging open slightly with shock. When she thought back to the conversation, she realized there was really no way he wouldn’t suspect there was something bigger than friendship between the two of them.

“Most of it. Are you two . . . Are you two, like, a couple or something? What the fuck was what?” Steve’s voice came off as both shocked and annoyed, Jen wasn’t sure which.

“Fuck,” Jen muttered as she brought her hand to scratch the back of her neck awkwardly. “Uh. I mean we haven’t really told anyone, but, I guess?”

He shook his head, combing his fingers back through his hair with frustration. “So, what, Judy’s, like, suddenly  _ gay _ ?”

Jen’s brow furrowed at that, “Maybe she always swung both ways, Steve, and what’s it to you?” She asked with utter annoyance.

He shook his head, “This is absolutely fuckin’ ridiculous.”

Jen folded her arms, growing more pissed off by the second, but trying not to explode at him. She  _ needed _ this sale. “You can think whatever the hell you want about it, I really don’t care. But she’s not your fiancée anymore. It’s none of your business.” Jen looked him up and down angrily and decided it wasn’t worth it to say anymore. With all the restraint she had, she kept her arms folded tight and stormed past him, exiting through the house.

__________

“Judy! What the  _ fuck!?”  _ Steve yelled in a hushed voice, accosting Judy in the middle of the hallway at the assisted living facility.

Judy spun around, shocked at the sight of Steve. “What? What the hell are you doing here?”

“Are you—“ he realized had been speaking in a loud voice, so he lowered it. “Are you  _ fucking _ Jen?”

Judy’s eyes shot open, “ _ What? _ What are you talking about?” She said, feigning confusion.

“Judy, I heard her on the phone with you. And anyways, I asked her and she confirmed it. What the hell are you doing? Could you have entangled yourself any deeper into her life? It’s like you  _ want  _ to get caught. You’re gonna fucking tell her, aren’t you? I know you, you’ll feel too guilty. You fuckin’ bleeding heart! And since when do you like women?”

Judy shook her head, putting her hands on her hips with a nervous breath. “Look, first of all, it’s none of your business what we do. Nor is my sexuality. And second of all, she’s  _ not _ gonna find out. I can’t lose her and I can’t lose those kids.” 

“What the fuck, Judy? You think you can replace him as a husband and father or something? Like that’ll fix what happened?”

Judy shook her head with frustration. “It’s not like that, okay? I  _ care _ about her.”

Steve rolled his eyes as she began to storm off.

“Hey. Hey!” Judy felt Steve grab her arm hard.

“Ow!” She said as she turned around.

“Sorry,” he said flatly.

She opened her mouth to say “it’s okay” but closed it, saying “What?” with annoyance instead.

“You listen to me. Let me get one thing straight here, okay? If anyone goes down for this, it is you. You were driving. You are the criminal and I’m the only eyewitness.”

Judy’s heart started to pound. “You said we were in this together.”

“Yeah well now it’s every man for himself.”

Judy was at a loss for words, the reality of the situation setting in. Steve left without a word, and her eyes started brimming with tears as she made her way back down the hall, where she found Abe. 

Judy realized he’d probably heard the entire conversation, and that she should be horrified, but at this point, she didn’t care. She didn’t care that someone found out. She just wanted to tell the truth, no matter the consequences. Staring blankly up at Abe, she awaited some sort of response, no longer resisting the tears that escaped her eyes.

“You killed that nice lady’s husband, didn’t you?” Abe asked.

Judy’s expression didn’t change. There it was. The truth was right there and there was nothing she could do to change it. It wasn’t worth denying, so she said nothing. She wasn’t sure what she expected him to say or do, but she didn’t even care to brace herself for it. 

“It’s okay,” he told her. This wasn’t what she expected him to say at all, and it brought fresh tears to her eyes. The last thing she was expecting was comfort in response to what she did, but she accepted it, letting herself be folded into Abe’s embrace. “It’s okay,” he whispered, patting her back soothingly and kissing her shoulder. 

“I don’t know what to do.”

“Well, what do you want to do?”

“I wanna tell the truth.” And she did. She truly did. Jen didn’t deserve to be lied to, and she knew that. And Jen didn’t deserve to be blaming herself the way that she was.

“Well. They say the truth shall set you free.”

Judy nodded, taking that in. She knew that already, but hadn’t been prepared to accept it. Now she knew she needed to do.

__________

“Steve Wood is a money launderer.”

__________

“We had a fight. Charlie, people do that in marriages.”

“He didn’t wanna live with you anymore. And neither do I.”

__________

It was already dark out when Judy got home, but Jen and the boys were nowhere to be found, even though Jen’s car was in the driveway. “Jen?” Judy called from the front room as she stepped inside. “I’m home!” When she got no answer, she decided to try the guest house, since Jen sometimes hid away in there. As soon as she stepped out the back door, she spotted Jen’s blanket on one of her lawn chairs. From behind she could only see the blanket, but she knew Jen must be sitting there. “Oh hey, babe, I was looking for you, what are you doing out here in the dark?” Judy called out as she approached the chair, but she got no response. “Jen?” She squeezed her way between the chair and the small table beside it, taking a seat there. “Hey . . .” Judy said cautiously, seeing Jen’s tearstained face. “Want me to get that Cabernet?” She offered, “Orrrr something stronger?”

Jen didn’t respond, just stared blankly.

“Is everything okay?” Judy rubbed Jen’s knee over the blanket in an attempt to comfort her. She pulled the blanket over her own lap and scooted closer. “Where are the boys?”

“They’re at Lorna’s,” Jen said flatly.

“What’s . . . going on?”

“It’s my fault.”

“What’s your fault?”

“That he’s gone.”

“Charlie or Henry?”

“Ted.”

Judy’s heart started to pound. “Ted? What are you talking about?”

“The night he died . . . we had a fight.”

“Alright well, people fight. That doesn’t make it your fault.”

“No. No I was . . . I was really angry.”

“What were you fighting about?”

Jen’s eyes filled with tears. “It’s too hard to talk about.” Her voice cracked as she spoke.

“Jen . . .” Judy’s hand found its way to Jen’s, and after a few moments of hesitation, Jen held it. “You know you can tell me anything,” Judy said, rubbing her thumb comfortingly over the back of Jen’s hand. 

Jen gave a small nod and gave in. “He hadn’t touched me in over a year . . .” she started. 

Judy had already known that, from what Jen told her the night of meeting Bambi, but it still made her heart sink in her chest to hear it. “Well he was having an affair, so that is on him.”

“No,” Jen shook her head, “no he . . . he stopped after my um . . .” she made a small gesture to her chest “. . . mastectomy.”

Judy’s heart twisted in her chest. This, she already surmised, given the timeline. And given the way Jen was afraid to let Judy take off her bra the first time they’d slept together, and seemed so ashamed when she finally did. “Oh . . .” Judy said in a small voice.

“I just thought that it wouldn’t matter. That he could . . . that he could get past—“ she gestured to her chest, her voice breaking, “—all of that, but he couldn’t.”

“I’m so sorry,” Judy whispered, her eyes burning with tears from seeing the heartache on Jen’s face.

“And he didn’t want me anymore.”

Judy couldn’t stop herself from leaning forward and pulling Jen into her arms. Jen hardly responded to the hug, but buried her face in Judy’s shoulder. 

“But I needed him . . .” Jen’s arms wrapped around the back of Judy’s neck now, squeezing as she said “He— he made— he made me feel so disgusting.” 

Judy could feel Jen’s body shaking with sobs as she said this, so much pain in her voice. Judy’s heart was breaking for her. She squeezed harder, knowing she probably had Jen’s tears and snot falling onto her shoulder and into her hair, but she didn’t care.

Jen sniffled and pulled away from Judy’s hug. “I was so resentful . . .” There was so much pain and anger in Jen’s voice, and Judy wanted so badly to take her back into her arms, but she knew she shouldn’t, so she held her hand. “And that night it just . . . things just got heated and . . . and I hit him. The last thing I did before he walked out that door . . . was hit him.”

“Okay,” Judy said sympathetically, trying to let Jen know it was alright.  _ The last thing I did was hit him,  _ Judy thought.

“I punched him in the face.”

“Well I’m sure he said something that made you—”

“Oh my god, Judy, please, stop. Stop trying to make me feel better all the time.” Jen sniffled and wiped away her tears.

“I’m just saying, I’m sure there was a good—”

“No! It’s my fault that he’s dead.”

Judy felt physical pain in her chest now.  _ No, _ she wanted to say,  _ it’s  _ my  _ fault he’s dead. _ “He wasn’t even here, he was out on a run, Jen.” _ He wasn’t here with you, he was out there with me _ , Judy thought.

“Oh, god. He wasn’t running. It was one o’clock in the morning. He was on that road because he didn’t wanna spend another second in this house with me. I killed him.”  _ No, I killed him.  _ “God, I keep trying to find the person to blame and . . . I drove him away. I hit him. I fucking hit him.” 

Judy swallowed. The pain in her chest was only increasing. Her heart was pounding harder than it ever had. She thought she might faint or throw up again, but she forced herself to keep her composure, even with her stomach in knots and tears springing in her eyes. She could let Jen put the blame on someone else; on some anonymous person that she didn’t know was actually Judy, but she couldn’t let Jen blame herself. She knew she had to stop her from thinking this. She didn’t have time to process the fact that she might lose everything before she said: “No, I hit him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so very sorry in advance


	13. Some and Now None of You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The truth comes out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a warning this is gonna be very angst-y

“What?” Jen was left entirely confused.

Judy knew there was still time to take it back; to play it off as some other statement, but she wouldn’t. She’d committed. “I hit him.”

“Okay. What are you talking . . . I hit him.”

“No. I hit him.”

“No. I hit him.”

“I  _ hit _ him.”

“I hit him. Judy. Oh, my god. He was walking out the door and—”

“I had a ‘66 Mustang!” She finally admitted, her heart somehow pounding even harder now. Judy had never been so afraid in her entire life. But she said it. 

When the realization of her statement hit Jen, her face went blank.

Judy stared back at her as the tears spilled out of her eyes her eyes were begging Jen’s forgiveness, but Jen’s expression gave her nothing. The only hint of a reaction she got was Jen letting go of her hand. “It was so dark . . . and I was driving, and I didn’t see a bend in the road, and I took it too fast, and I . . . He was just right there.” 

Jen was still staring, more shock apparent in her eyes now. Judy could see her chest rising and falling rapidly, her heart clearly pounding. 

“I wasn’t even sure what had happened. And then I wanted to go back . . . but I couldn’t.” A tear fell down Judy’s cheek, her entire body trembling now. “I thought if I could just somehow make it up to you . . . if I could help you somehow, or I could be your friend . . .” Judy watched Jen, waiting for any reaction, any change in her expression, but she got nothing. Her heart was breaking like never before. She’d never felt such desperation. “Please, forgive me, Jen,” she begged. “Please. I had no idea that I was gonna love you so much, or the boys. I had no idea that I was gonna fall in love with you . . . that I’d be able to call you mine,” Jen blinked, looking away and swallowing before bringing her eyes back to Judy. “I had no idea that you guys would become my family. Please . . . say something. Please tell me what I can do to make it better, and to make things right, and I’ll do it. I would do anything.” Judy broke into a fit of sobs. She could feel the weight of her entire world crashing down around her. She had let Jen become her entire life; the only person that truly mattered. And now she had no idea how to live without her. If Jen didn’t forgive her . . . she had no idea what she would do. More tears fell, her body shook violently. “Please, tell me what I can do,” she begged.

Jen lifted her chin a bit, looking as if she was ready to speak. There was a spark of hope in Judy’s chest, but Jen’s expression didn’t give anything away. And then she finally spoke. “You can die.”

Judy felt the weight of Jen’s words on her chest. She could hardly breathe as Jen threw her blanket off and walked away. She couldn’t possibly mean that, Judy thought.  _ She couldn’t want me dead. She couldn’t want me to die. _ “No!” Judy called out as Jen closed her door and locked it. “No . . .” she said to herself.

She couldn’t sleep here tonight, she knew that, so she packed everything she could fit in a suitcase, and she left.

__________

When Jen got back to her room she slammed the door and collapsed to the ground, sobbing so hard she thought she might throw up. She pulled her sweater over her face to muffle it but it hardly helped. Her eyes burned with tears, her entire body shaking as she clenched the sweater tight in her fists, almost ripping it. Her heart wouldn’t stop pounding, and she knew she wouldn’t sleep tonight, not in her bed that smelled so much like Judy. Jen couldn’t remember ever feeling heartbreak that hurt like this. And she hated that. She hated that this hurt worse than losing Ted. She hated that no matter how much she muttered “I fucking hate you, I fucking  _ hate _ you!” into her sweater, she didn’t hate Judy. She wanted to hate Judy so bad, she wanted to want her dead. But she didn’t. Even though this woman had wronged her more than she thought any human being was capable of wronging her. 

She couldn’t stop replaying everything that happened between them. How much did she have to stalk Jen to know she’d be at that grief group? Why did she lie about Steve? Was she only kind to Jen out of guilt? Would she have even cared about Jen if not to make herself feel better? Would she have waited until she was all the way asleep?

Fresh tears sprung in Jen’s eyes, and she cried even harder. She could feel snot running from her nose and drool and tears staining her sweater, but it didn’t matter at this point. She couldn’t get up, she was shaking too hard. All she could do was think. There was nothing to distract her, no one to talk to. She couldn’t shut her brain off. So many instances came to her mind. She thought of Judy going to jail for her, of Judy drying her hair in Palm Springs, of Judy spooning her and stroking her hair late at night when she’d had a horrible day, of Judy singing in the car, of Judy making pancakes with Henry, Judy falling asleep on her shoulder in an Uber, Judy listening and understanding her, Judy always checking in to make sure she was okay when they slept together, the way Judy kissed her chest and held her and made her feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. “Fuck,” Jen cried into her sweater, “ _ Fuck. _ ” Jen lifted her head and let it fall back against her door. “ _ Fuck! _ ” She slammed her head back against the door now, wanting it to hurt worse than the pain she felt on the inside, but she knew she could never match it.

“Fuck,” she whispered as she pulled herself to her feet. She made it into her bathroom and leaned on her sink with both palms, letting it hold her up while she tried to catch her breath. She glanced up at her own face and clenched the sides of the sink harder to keep from punching and shattering the mirror. After throwing cold water on her face, a new round of sobs followed. This time so intense that she stumbled to the toilet and emptied the contents of her stomach, unable to stop the sobs that shook her entire body. She clung to the seat for a while, trying to calm herself before she flushed and rinsed out her mouth.

Once she could stand, she decided a shower might calm her, even if only slightly. But she ended up only sitting on the floor of the tub and letting the hot water run over her. She couldn’t bear the smell of her body soap after having bathed Judy with it so many times, so she set it back down and sat, unable to stop sobbing.

Jen tried to let herself be angry, because it was so much easier to feel angry than to feel like this. It was harder than she’d expected to be angry. Whenever she thought about all that Judy had done to her, all she felt was heartbroken. 

When she finally climbed out of the shower, she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror, her eyes moving straight to her chest. That’s what set her over the edge. That’s what made her blood boil. Her eyes traced the scars that Judy had lightly run her fingertips over so many times, that she’d lined with kisses, telling Jen she was beautiful. Now all of that meant nothing. Now all the damage Judy had undone returned. Jen’s skin was now tainted. All of the lies, all of the betrayal, carved into her chest like a cruel reminder. She closed her eyes and tried to take a deep breath, still seething. But all she could do was remember; remember the way Judy touched her, the way she made her feel, the way she grounded her and reacquainted her with her own body. Jen’s face tightened with anger, her jaw clenched. She looked up again and saw her naked body; so many memories came flooding back. She felt so completely violated. Too overwhelmed to think, she let her rage take over and drove her fist directly into the mirror.

“Fuck!” Jen cried, holding her wrist as her knuckles bled. She could hardly feel any pain; the hurt and anguish she felt on the inside too strong for any external sensation to matter. She fell to the floor, pulling a towel over herself, letting her hand bleed on it because she didn’t care if it stained. Again, she tried to muffle her sobs, with her towel this time, but it was no use. “I fucking hate you, I fucking  _ hate  _ you!” she screamed into her towel, trembling hard.

When she tried to get ready for bed, she found a closet full of Judy. It hurt to look at. It hurt to smell her. Jen shook her head angrily and pushed her window open. She needed everything Judy out of her room. After tearing apart her closet and bathroom, she threw all of Judy’s things out her window. In the morning, she thought, she would burn it all.

Once she was sure she was rid of Judy’s things she shut her window, collapsing onto her bed face down and sobbing into her pillow. “I hate you, I fucking hate you,” she whispered into her pilllow. Rolling onto her back, Jen felt a lump beneath her blanket. She pulled the comforter back only to find a small blue-green piece of fabric that she immediately recognized. New tears sprung in her eyes when she saw the name “ _ Judy Ann _ ” embroidered in pink letters on the corner. She was about to throw it out the window with everything else, but when she got a whiff of it, she couldn’t. It smelled more like Judy than anything else in her home. Sometimes when Judy couldn’t sleep she’d wrap herself up in it, or bring it to her nose and let the smell of it put her to sleep. Jen was never sure why the smell comforted her so much, but she’d never judged or said anything. Now she thought she might understand, because the smell of it was the only thing bringing her any comfort. She hated that the smell of Judy still relaxed her the way that it did, but it did. After months of sleeping in the same bed with Judy, she needed her to sleep, she didn’t feel secure without her. Now her bed felt so cold and so empty. “I hate you . . .” she whispered, letting her tears fall. Snuggling up with Judy’s blanket, sobbing as she inhaled her smell, she finally cried herself to sleep.


	14. Take Me Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of Judy losing both Jen and Abe; Jen has to face Charlie and Henry without Judy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since I'm assuming the majority of us are holed up in our houses, now is probably the best time to provide whatever entertainment possible. I'll try to update a bit faster and have a few other stories written I might just post separately before this is concluded. Wishing you all good health and sanity. This chapter will be just a bit longer than average.

Judy was pacing back and forth in her old room at Laguna Assisted Living, shaking hard as tears ran down her cheeks. She never thought she could lose so much so fast. Now there was no one left. Jen had become her everything, and the only other person who cared about her— _ really  _ cared about her—was gone too. She didn’t even get to say goodbye. All she could think was that there was no one else to turn to. No one at all. She was entirely, profoundly alone.

Eventually, she’d exhausted herself with her pacing and sobbing, and she let herself fall to the floor, sitting back against her bed. Her body wouldn’t stop shaking with each sob. All she wanted was for someone to hold her and tell her it would be okay, but there wasn’t anyone to do that now.

Now practically crawling across the floor, she made her way to her suitcase and dug through for the only thing from the guest house that might smell like Jen; her “Friends of Heaven” T-shirt that she would sometimes let Jen wear to bed when they slept out there. Judy found the shirt unwashed and still in her bed, having been carelessly shed while the two of them were . . . getting intimate. Judy sighed at the memory. She thought of Jen sitting across from her in bed, complaining to Judy about how difficult it was to undress her. She had just gotten Judy out of her dress and bra and was putting her sling back on, grumbling about how much work it was. Judy was laughing, telling her she needed to work for it. Jen told her she did too, and made Judy take her shirt off without any help. It was the “Friends of Heaven” T-shirt she was taking off of Jen, one-handed and struggling. “Come on, babe, you’ve gotta want it,” Jen had teased. Judy had giggled and shaken her head, saying “I hate you”. Judy broke into a new fit of sobs, burying her face in the T-shirt, taking in Jen’s scent. “I love you,” Judy whispered into the shirt, “I’m so sorry.” That shirt was the only thing that could bring her any comfort right now. She decided she’d wear it to bed. Maybe that would make her feel safe, she thought. 

It was near impossible to change her clothes; she’d gotten far too accustomed to Jen doing it for her. By the time she got her clothes off she was sobbing in a heap on her bed. So far beyond frustrated.

She was trembling, now from the cold, laying in bed with nothing but her underwear left on and the shirt laying beside her. Taking a deep, shaky breath, she sat herself up, mentally preparing herself to get the shirt on. All she wanted was Jen, Jen would have her dressed and set up in bed right now. Judy sighed, finally getting her head through the neck hole of the shirt. Jen would have kissed her now, she would always kiss Judy and push her hair out of her face when she got her head through, and Judy would grin and roll her eyes.

Once she finally got the shirt on, she felt exhausted. And she fell back onto the bed. “ _ Shit _ ,” she cried, feeling defeated. She had no idea how she would get through the next day. She hadn’t even showered by herself since before her injury; she’d rendered herself so helpless. The thought only made her cry harder.

The next morning was torture for Judy. She’d apparently cried herself to sleep; when she looked in the mirror her cheeks were red and eyes puffy with tear stains, her head pounding. “Oh god,” Judy muttered, fresh tears breaking through. 

She was lucky she wasn’t on the schedule until the afternoon, and  _ lived _ at work, because she knew it’d take her hours to get ready. And she was right about that. She waited to wash her face and do her makeup until she was fully ready and knew work was only minutes away, because she knew whatever she put on she’d cry right off. The whole process was beyond frustrating. Stepping into the shower by herself made her heart sink. Wrapping a towel around herself instead of being pulled into Jen’s warm embrace and rubbed dry made her shiver. There was a hollow aching in her heart that hadn’t gone away since she woke, and she didn’t think it would go away anytime soon.

The pain kept hitting Judy in waves for the rest of the day. It was clear she was upset, and every time someone asked her if she was okay she completely broke down. She felt fortunate that no one else there knew about her and Jen, but everyone knew about her connection with Abe. She didn’t have to answer any questions about how Jen was, but she did have to listen to various people giving their condolences and breaking down on behalf of Abe, and that made the floodgates open over and over again. Most opened with something like “I’m so sorry, dear, I knew you two were very close.” And that statement hurt Judy in more ways than one. “Yeah. Yeah we were,” she’d say, and soon had to excuse herself and run away to the bathroom.

Her day ended with a small service for Abe, which was the only type of closure she’d gotten all day. By the end of the workday she was sure she’d had somewhere between 5 and 8 meltdowns. The moment she clocked out she broke into a sprint to her room, locking herself in and falling back against the door, letting her head slam against the wood as she sank to the floor and sobbed.

All she wanted was to call Jen. Her first instinct when she was upset was always to call Jen. Even if Jen was busy, if she had something else going on, she always dropped it to be by Judy’s side, and now she needed someone like never before. Part of her wished she’d taken one of Jen’s blankets or sweaters to wrap herself up in; to feel like she was being held, and for it to smell like it was Jen. She’d gotten some kind one-armed hugs today, but no one who would let her sit on their lap and sob into their shoulder, or would hold her head against their chest and rub her back until she cried herself to sleep, or wake up next to her. The thought alone brought fresh tears. She finally pulled herself up only to pick her grief retreat t-shirt up off the bed and hug it to her chest, collapsing down onto the mattress and taking in what was left of Jen’s smell. This wasn’t right, Judy thought. She felt like she was mourning Jen, like she was grieving her loss, when Jen was still very much alive, both of them still in Laguna, and could very well run into each other by accident. And what would Jen do? What  _ could _ she do?

There was only one way to find out, Judy thought. Sapphire Terrace. All it would take was a quick google search. It was just as easy as finding Jen the first time. She pulled out her phone and searched “North Laguna Realty Sapphire Terrace”. From there it wasn’t difficult to find a showing of the house. She screenshotted the date and address. It wouldn’t be long before she saw Jen again, she thought. 

At this point, it didn’t matter how Jen reacted, she still wanted to see her either way. Even if she got punched in the face, or if Jen called the police on her then and there. It would be worth it to at least  _ try _ for Jen’s forgiveness. She couldn’t stop thinking of what the rabbi at Abe’s service had told her. All she could do was try to make amends. Try to compensate for what she’d done wrong.

__________

Jen couldn’t remember the last time she had to  _ sit _ in a church. She’d been there recently to drop Henry off for choir practice, but sitting through this whole thing was torture. She leaned over to Charlie and whispered. “You see what happens? You live with your grandmother for three days, and your brother becomes a Christian.”

Jen’s heart began to race when she heard Charlie ask: “Where’s Judy?”

All she could give him was: “Um . . . Judy’s not coming. She’s, she’s not gonna be in our lives anymore.” Her voice cracked as she spoke.

“Isn’t she, like, your  _ best _ friend?”

Jen swallowed hard. “What? No. No, not at all. Barely knew her.”

Charlie seemed to think that over for a moment, then leaned back. “Then why was she sleeping in your bed every night?”

Jen’s heart dropped in her chest, her whole body shuttering. She was torn between denying it, asking why he thought that, or asking how he  _ knew _ that when Chris leaned over and interrupted, Jen’s jaw still hanging open. 

“You guys wanna have this chitchat later? Henry’s about to become a child of Christ.”

Jen’s blood was boiling. She tried not to be mad at Chris right now, but she couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that he would be Henry’s godfather, and Judy would have been his godmother if she hadn’t . . . Jen couldn’t finish the thought, so she sat facing straight forward and tried to convince herself that Charlie wasn’t waiting for a response. 

When the baptism finally ended and they’d all gotten their hugs and “congratulations” in to Henry and could leave the church, Jen desperately tried to chase after Charlie, who was speed-walking ahead of her to Lorna’s car

“Charlie, wait!” she called from behind. “Can’t we at least talk about this?”

Charlie finally snapped and turned around. “What do you want me to say?”

Jen’s heart caught in her throat. “I just . . . can I get five minutes with you to talk about this?”

Charlie crossed his arms, Lorna waiting for him by her car. “Fine. Five minutes.”

Jen looked over his shoulder at Lorna. “Can we talk in my car?”

Charlie sighed and shook his head, walking towards her car. “Whatever . . .” Charlie muttered.

“Lorna, I just need him for 5 minutes, I’ll bring him right back!” Jen called. She leaned closer and spoke low to Charlie as they walked to her car. “What do you know? Or think you know . . ?”

Charlie scoffed and uncrossed his arms. “I know I can hear you two giggling every night going into your room. I sleep in the same hallway, Mom. Did you seriously think I wasn’t gonna notice?”

Jen tried to hide her blush, feeling deeply humiliated. “Has your brother said anything?”

Charlie shrugged, “He doesn’t think anything of it. He said he knows  _ best friends _ like having sleepovers.”

Jen winced at that, but was relieved at his innocence. When they got in the car, Henry was waiting for them, and she thought she might as well talk to both of them about this now. Even if she couldn’t reveal the most essential detail.

“Is Charlie coming home with us?” Henry asked from the back seat.

Jen shook her head, somewhat turned around in her seat. “Uh, no. No, Charlie’s not coming home with us. I just brought him here to have a conversation.”

“Oh. What about?” Henry asked innocently.

“About how Mom and Judy are lesbians,” Charlie spat.

“ _ Charlie! _ Please.” Jen said sternly, shooting him a glare.

Henry had a very confused look on his face, “What?”

Jen signed. “Well, no, no. We’re not  _ lesbians _ but, um . . . Mommy and Judy were, uh, romantically involved. We were in a relationship . . . Like, girlfriend and girlfriend.”

“Oh.” Henry nodded slowly. “Are you guys gonna get married? Does that mean Judy’s gonna be our mom too?”

Jen felt a stab in her chest, so many layers of pain and heartache coming with that statement. But she held back her tears and gave a sad, endeared smile. “No. No, sweetie, um, Judy and I aren’t together anymore.”

“What? Why? Where did she go? Is she still gonna live with us?”

Jen sighed sadly, trying not to well up. “No, honey, she’s uh . . . she’s not gonna be in our lives anymore.”

Henry seemed immediately upset, and for once Charlie stayed silent. “What happened?” Henry asked with clear disappointment.

“We, uh, we had a fight.”

Henry shook his head. “But you guys  _ always  _ fight. Can’t you just hug each other and make up like you normally do?”

Jen sighed and shook her head, reaching back to hold Henry’s hand. “I’m sorry, Boop, but it’s not gonna be so easy this time.”

“But you guys love each other! And Judy loves me!”

Jen sighed. “I know. And I know you loved Judy, but—”

“You love her too!” Henry protested.

Jen squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head, trying to block out the reality of that statement. “We’ll make new friends. Okay?”

Henry frowned and put his head down. “I wanted her to be here today,” he said sadly.

Jen frowned sympathetically, “I know you did, Boop.” She squeezed his hand, it hurt her to even say it, but she added: “And she’d be very proud of you if she was.”

“She would,” Charlie said hesitantly. Jen quickly turned to him and he gave a small shrug, looking back to Henry, who had little tears forming in his eyes. Apparently Charlie’s attitude about the whole thing was entirely different when it came down to playing the big brother.

“I guess . . .” Henry sighed. “But I just . . .”

“What, sweetie?”

Henry looked down and sighed sadly. “I just . . . don’t wanna miss anyone else. First I had to miss Dad and then I had to miss Charlie and now I’m gonna have to miss Judy too.”

Jen’s mouth fell open, a pang of pain in her chest. She didn’t know what to say, taking a moment to turn back and face forward in her seat, trying to come up with anything to say. But her and Henry were in the same spot. They both lost everyone they loved and lived with, and it was only the two of them left in that house. Even if they still saw Charlie now and then and Judy was still alive, that didn’t make them any less alone. Charlie looked over at his mother and back at his little brother, both of them were close to tears. He closed his eyes for a moment, knowing he had to forget his grudge for Henry’s sake. 

“Henry . . .” Charlie finally said, turning back to face him. Henry looked up at him, wide eyed. “You didn’t lose me.”

Henry frowned, “But you—“

Charlie shook his head. “No. I know. I’m coming back, okay? I’ll uh . . . pack my stuff and have Grandma drop me off tonight.”

“Really?” Henry asked excitedly.

“Yeah, buddy. We’re the men of the house now, who else is gonna take care of Mom?” He asked with a bit of sarcasm, smirking at Jen, knowing she’d hate that statement.

Jen chuckled, wiping her tears, “Back on your patriarchal bullshit, huh?” She got a small laugh out of him, turning in his direction. “Thank you,” she mouthed. She turned back to Henry, ruffling his hair. “See, Boop? Things are gonna look up.” She said, trying to convince herself too.

“I guess,” Henry sighed, “but I still miss Judy . . .”

Jen resisted saying “I miss her too” as hard as she resisted believing it. “I know, sweetie, I’m sorry,” was all she could say.

Henry sighed dramatically.

“I have to get back to Grandma,” Charlie said. “She’s gonna be waiting for me.” He turned to Henry, “I’ll see you tonight.” He climbed out of the car and Jen got out too. 

“I’ll walk you,” she muttered before shutting the door. 

“You don’t need to walk me, it’s like 50 feet,” Charlie said as Jen circled the car to him. 

“I know. I just wanted to say . . . Thank you.” She pulled him into a hug, but he kept his arms by his side.

Charlie sighed when she let go. “Look. I’m coming back for  _ Henry _ , okay?”

Jen’s mouth opened but nothing came out, she tried to hide her deep hurt.

“I’m, uh, sorry I wasn’t honest about everything from the start,” Jen said, looking down at her feet.

Charlie scoffed. “Are you? Mom, you let her  _ live  _ with us. And you  _ just _ met her. And you let Henry get attached. You let him start looking at her like another mom and then you  _ broke up _ with her,” Charlie said angrily, shaking his head, “hasn’t he been through enough?”

Jen closed her eyes and shook her head. “I know it was— it was irresponsible but it’s not—“

“Whatever, Mom, I’ll see you tonight.” Charlie marched off with clear frustration, leaving Jen to stand there in shock, realizing her son just lectured her.

She couldn’t help but think Charlie was using Henry to speak for his own pain. Jen knew he loved Judy too, as much as he’d hated her moving in in the first place, she grew on him, because she grew on everyone. The thought only filled her with rage. She shouldn’t be getting mad at herself, she thought, she should be getting mad at Judy. For manipulating and fooling all of them. For getting Jen’s children to love her. For moving in in the first place when she knew what she’d done.

Jen took a deep, shaky breath. If she couldn’t pull it together for herself she could at least pull it together for Henry. And she knew if she thought about this any longer she would have some sort of explosion. She needed to calm herself.


	15. To The Night We Met

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Judy tries to apologize to Jen; Steve goes looking for Judy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this update took so long. I decided to wait until after I knew what happened between Jen and Steve to add this part. So definitely Season 2 spoilers in here! I'll post another chapter soon! Apologies in advance for the angst.

“She killed my husband. And then she _moved_ _in_ with me. A restraining order isn’t gonna do it.”

__________

Judy’s Uber driver spoke up when they arrived at the destination. “This it? Open house or something?” 

“Uh. Yeah. I’m looking to buy,” Judy said as she climbed out, seeing him eye her and raise his eyebrow in the rearview mirror. She ignored it and stepped out. Taking a very deep breath. “Sapphire Terrace,” she breathed. “Okay. I can do this.”

She had to search for a bit, but she found Jen handing out pinwheels on the first floor, her heart immediately pounding at the sight of her. She hid behind a wall, waiting to catch her alone. It wasn’t until Jen stepped into the empty bathroom that Judy decided it was the right time to confront her. She crept into the doorway and, in an attempt not to scare Jen with her presence, opened with “Hi”. Unsuccessful. She flinched herself when Jen spun around and immediately dropped her entire tray.

“Get the fuck out of here!” she snapped.

“Don’t make a scene!” Judy said in a small fit of panic, trying not to gain anyone’s attention. She promptly shut the door behind her.

“Get the fuck out!” she repeated.

“Let me help you,” Judy offered, trying to do anything she could for Jen.  _ Anything _ .

“No, don’t fucking help me!” Jen was entirely fed up with anything Judy had to offer. She put out a hand to stop her, not wanting to watch the sad, painful process of her trying to pick up food off the floor.

Judy tried to shush her yelling but Jen only retorted with “You shh!”

All Judy could say was “Okay” before standing up. She looked Jen up and down quickly, her heart aching. She always had a thing for Jen’s pencil skirts. And her beauty was only making Judy’s heart ache worse. “You look really beautiful,” Judy said quickly, as if her compliments would compensate for anything.

“Shut up!” Jen spat back, not wanting to hear it. She was already seething, but there was something about Judy commenting on her appearance that made her even angrier.

“Okay.” Judy said quickly, knowing she deserved that.

“What the fuck are you doing here?! How dare you fucking show up here? I’m working for Lorna to keep a roof over my kids’ heads, to keep my life together, a life that  _ you _ destroyed!”

“I know . . .” Judy said, knowing she deserved that too. “That’s why I’m turning myself in. I just wanted you to know I’m gonna ask for the maximum sentence. It might be the chair if that’s something they still do,” Judy told her, thinking that might be the only thing she could do for Jen at this point; take her punishment. “But the worst punishment of all is losing you,” she added.

Jen rolled her eyes, sufficiently pissed off. This woman wasn’t getting any of her pity. “Well I already turned you in,” she said, hoping it would hurt.

Judy tilted her head, completely taken aback by that. But, again, she knew she deserved it. “Yeah. Okay. That’s . . . You should have. That’s right.”

“Yeah, that’s right?” Jen asked mockingly.

“Good for you,” Judy added, feigning enthusiasm, wanting Jen to know she’d done the right thing even if it hurt her. 

“Shut up!” Jen cut her off.

“Okay.” She deserved that too.

“It doesn’t even fucking matter because your confession isn’t enough. So you get to walk free and fuck with my head as much as you want to.”

“I don’t  _ want _ to fuck with your head,” Judy said genuinely.

“Then what do you fucking want, Judy!?”

“I just want to make amends!” she said desperately. “I want you to be okay.”

Jen looked at her in utter disbelief. “You want me to be  _ okay _ ?”

“Yeah,” Judy nodded, even more desperate.

“You hit my husband and left him to  _ die _ ,” Jen spat. “Then you stalk me, you move into my home, you— you sleep with me, tell me you love me, get my children to trust you. You are a fucking sociopath.”

Judy’s heart dropped in her chest. I  _ do _ love you, she thought. She shook her head, “I love you.” That was all she could say, and, God, did she mean it.

“Yeah, well I fucking hate you.” Jen felt tears threatening to leave her eyes and pressed her mouth shut, glancing away and trying to blink the tears away. She could barely look at Judy when she said it; could barely get it out. No matter how many times she’d practiced saying it to her alone in her room.

Judy felt a pain in her chest, like her heart was just shattered. Tears started in her eyes. “Okay . . .” All she could do at this point was accept it. This woman that she’d fallen in love with now hated her. And all she could say was “Okay” because she deserved it. She took a step towards Jen to say her final goodbye and was immediately shoved backwards. 

“Don’t  _ fucking _ touch me! Stay the  _ fuck  _ away from me!”

Fresh tears sprung in Judy’s her eyes. There was no way for Jen to break her heart any more at this point. “If there’s anything I can do . . .” Judy couldn’t stop trying.

“You know what you can do? You can disappear off the fucking planet.”

“Okay.”

Jen’s entire body was trembling now and she couldn’t stop that or the tears from running. “I have Ted’s gun . . . in my purse. So if I see you or you go anywhere near my family . . . I will shoot you in the  _ fucking _ head. Do you understand me?”

Judy nodded, petrified and heartbroken. “Yeah . . . I do.” She tried to stop it but a tear ran down her cheek.

“Get the fuck out. Don’t ever come near me, don’t touch me, don’t even fucking look at me. Get the  _ fuck  _ out of here, Judy. Go!  _ Now! _ ”

Judy flinched and backed out, like a terrified, broken, kicked puppy.

Jen tried not to pity her and let herself be angry, her breath shaking. Her whole  _ body _ shaking. She waited for the doors to slide shut again and crossed her arms over her torso, letting herself collapse to the floor with her knees bent in, sobbing into her arms, using her limbs like a shield. She wondered if she had it in her. If Judy came back . . . could she do it?  _ No _ , she thought,  _ I don’t need to think about this because I won’t have to. She’s not gonna come back _ , Jen reassured herself, trying to deny that the thought of Judy not coming back hurt worse than anything, residing to picking up pinwheels off the floor. She could Swiffer her teardrops from the tile when she was finished.

__________

Judy left the house with an empty aching in her chest. A hollow pain like she’d never felt before. That was that. Her favorite person in the world wanted her dead, Steve would surely want her dead soon enough, Abe was gone, and her mother was God-knows-where. There was no one left. She wasn’t even sure where to go from here. Back to work? Where else was there. She thought about how good she once had it, back when she lived with Steve in what was practically a castle. As she passed the threshold of the house’s entrance, she turned around and took a few steps back, now taking in the interior that she hardly even noticed on her way in; she was too focused on finding Jen. She wondered if this would have been her and Steve’s house if Ted had never happened. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, reminding herself that she didn’t want that anymore; that it never would have been her home. When someone walked past the threshold and looked around, they wouldn’t see Judy, they’d see Steve.

Finally, she turned on her heel, not wanting to look anymore. The thought had now crept into her mind that this wouldn’t be Steve’s house at all. Not after she reported him to the police. She winced when she realized she’d fucked Jen over yet again, flashing back to the night of Bambi, and the guilt she felt when Steve pulled his listing because of her.

With that thought, Judy knew where she had to go.

__________

“All of it, please. In a cashier’s check,” Judy didn’t hesitate to say. She didn’t have to think twice about the consequences, because it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered anymore. There was nothing. No Jen, no Abe, no Steve, no Charlie and Henry, not even a home. At this point it hurt so bad that she could hardly feel the pain anymore. And she’d already made her decision.

“I’m going away.”

__________

  
  


Judy cradled a small gift box in her hands, her heart pounding as she entered Henry’s Holy Harmonizers practice, unsure if she was even allowed in. Part of her hoped maybe they’d be taking a break, or just finishing. Anything that would have let her say a proper goodbye to Henry, even if he didn’t know it was goodbye. She sighed wearily as the children performed their rendition of “Every Breath You Take”, knowing she’d never get to see the real performance.

She looked up at the stage to find Henry waving at her, pointing as if he was including her in the song. For a moment all of her worries melted away, his happy little face bringing her such contentment. But in the next moment she remembered that this would be the last time she saw that face. Her smile faded and she tried so hard to swallow the lump in her throat as Chris approached her. The first thing he told her was that this was a closed rehearsal, but at this point that statement didn’t bother her much. She apologized and offered the box, asking if he could give it to Henry as a gift for his baptism. There was another lump in her throat at the thought of having missed something so important.

“Hey. What happened with Jen? Why’d you guys . . . break up?”

Judy’s mouth hung open for a moment. She didn’t even know Chris knew that they were together in the first place. Him and Jen must have discussed it. And what did Jen tell him? That they “broke up”? That felt like such an incredible understatement after what had happened, but she was shocked to find out that Jen hadn’t already told everyone. “She didn’t tell you?”

“No, she won’t talk about it. I assume a violent outburst is imminent?” Chris offered.

Judy’s heart was breaking knowing Jen was trying to handle this all on her own, and it was all her fault. “Just be kind to her. She really needs a friend right now.”

__________

Jen held the small wooden bird in her hands, inspecting it. Wondering if Judy had painted it herself. Horrified at the prospect of Judy coming anywhere near her son while she wasn’t there. 

Upon inspection, Jen found a hole in the bottom of the bird, and what looked like a small slip of paper. Her first thought was that Judy might have left her a note, and curiosity got the best of her. She pulled out the small slip of paper and slowly unfolded it. A cashier’s check. For over 500 grand. Jen swallowed, her heart sinking in her chest. “Oh, my god,” she whispered. Where did Judy get all of this money? And why would she leave it all to her? Jen wondered, her head spinning. It had to be out of guilt. Judy was homeless, Jen thought, she hadn’t been paying Jen anything to stay. But then she remembered Judy’s offer to help pay the mortgage, and her shared account with Steve. “He has so much money, I never touch it myself but he wouldn’t even miss it,” Judy had said just days before. And now that Steve had, once again, fucked her over majorly . . .

Jen heard her back gate open. Without a second thought she called out “Judy?” and part of her hoped that it was.

__________

“What happened?”

Steve rubbed his face hard in frustration. “I can’t really get into it.”

Jen blinked, “What did she run someone else over?”

Steve quickly turned to Jen, “She told you about that?”

A pang of realization hit Jen; that Steve  _ knew _ and had been lying to her as well. She tried her best to swallow her anger, wondering if he’d give her more than that. Biting her tongue, all she let out was “Yeah.”

“Shit,” he sighed, making his way towards Jen, her heart beginning to pound. “Would it make any difference if I told you that I was sorry? Not that I was the one driving . . .” 

Jen’s heart somehow sped up even more, her blood starting to boil. “You were in the car,” she stated the moment she realized, trying to hold it together. Steve reached out his hand, taking hers and rubbing it in a way that made her skin crawl, his knee pressed against hers. A fire was already started in her, but she needed to know what happened. She had to restrain herself.

“Jen, that was, honestly one of the worst moments of my entire life.”

_ Your _ life? Jen thought, still trying to keep it together. “I’m so sorry,” she spat.

“Thank you,” he nodded, as if she had meant that genuinely. “Just killed me not to tell you. Especially once, I don’t know, once I got to know you.” That statement made Jen sick to her stomach. She knew this man had no problem lying to her face. Not that it mattered now. She thought back to Judy, and the tears in her eyes when she told her “I had no idea that I was gonna love you so much” and got even sicker. Judy loved her, she thought. Well, she  _ knew _ . But this man . . . Jen scanned his face, remembering the way he spoke about Judy, the way he treated Judy, the stories she heard. And then it hit her. “You know, in so many ways, I feel like we are in this together. You know?” he offered.

“Are we?” Jen spat back, trying not to explode just yet.

“Yeah. And that’s why I need you to help me. I gotta find Judy. Can you help me do that?”

Jen completely ignored his question, finding it hard to believe this man thought there was any way in hell he was deserving of her help. “Why didn’t you stop?” She asked, remembering Judy’s words: “I wanted to go back, but I couldn’t.”

“What?”

“That night.”

“Oh. I mean  _ I  _ wanted to.”

_ Bullshit. _ Jen thought. “Judy said she wanted to go back, but she couldn’t.” Jen could already see the panic in his eyes. Her question was already answered. But she asked “Why not?”

“I don’t . . . I don’t know she just didn’t.”

“And  _ you  _ didn’t.”

“Don’t do that.”

“Do what?”

“Don’t turn this into some ‘blame the man’ thing.” The heat inside of Jen was only building. “That’s bullshit, don’t. We both know what Judy is capable of.” Steve got up out of his seat.

Jen was filled with rage with that statement.  _ What  _ was Judy capable of? Before she knew all of this, she thought Judy was the kindest human being she’d ever met. And could she have misjudged her that badly? Was she really capable of any of this? “Yeah and I know what you’re capable of.” Jen got up to follow.

“Oh you have no fucking idea.” Was that supposed to be a threat? Jen wondered. She narrowed her eyes at him. “Hey. Her hand was on the wheel, her foot was on the gas, so don’t fucking look at me like that.”

“Fuck you.”

“Fuck  _ you _ ! She was driving, she did it!”

Jen’s blood was still boiling. “What did you say, huh? After she hit him. What did you say?”

“I don’t remember.”

Jen could see the fear in his eyes. “One of the worst moments of your life and you don’t remember?” 

“I don’t remember.”

Jen glared at him. Why was she even asking? She  _ knew _ Judy. She  _ got _ Judy. And she knew this man. She knew the hold he had on Judy. She knew the way he treated her and the way he talked to her and she knew what he was capable of and what Judy  _ wasn’t _ . Her fingers wrapped around the gun in her robe pocket.

“Judy would’ve stopped.”

“Did you not hear me the first time I said it? I said I don’t remember.” There was a threatening air to Steve’s voice, and he moved in towards Jen, far too close for comfort. She pulled out the gun and aimed it at his head.

“Okay. I need you to leave my house right now.” 

She could shoot him, she thought, she could shoot him if he refused to leave. She could shoot him if he tried to attack her. 

“Jesus fuck,” he muttered. “I’m a good guy, Jen!”

“No you’re not a good guy!” Jen’s voice was shaking, her hands trembling along with it. She wasn’t sure if it was fear or anger making her shake so hard.

“You’re defending her and pulling a gun on me?”

Jen remembered the security cameras recording and spoke her warning loudly and clearly. “I want you to leave my house.”

“Give me the gun, Jen. Come on, honey, you don’t know what you’re doing.”

His condescending tone only fueled her fire more. “Don’t come any closer!” she warned.

“I’m not going anywhere until you tell me where the  _ fuck _ Judy is!” Steve kept coming closer, Jen stepping back slowly, more afraid of what she might do than what he might do. So she dropped the gun. 

“Please just leave,” she begged, trying to sound calm.

“I don’t know why the fuck you’re protecting her. She just feels sorry for you. Poor little widow, all alone. No one to fuck her. She pitied you. You think she really wanted you? There was a reason your husband was cheating on you. Boy he was miserable, wasn’t he? He was looking for a way out, honey.”

Jen’s heart caught in her throat, all she could focus on was that very last sentence. “What?”

“Ted. He jumped in front of our car.”

Jen shook her head, “No . . .”

“Oh yeah. He wanted to get hit.”

“Fuck. You.” Tears blinded Jen’s eyes, and she started to black out from rage.

“You know what? I don’t fucking blame him, because if I was married to you I’d wanna put a fucking gun to my head. I’d wanna kill myself too you  _ miserable cunt! _ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be the last chapter of this fic because I plan to do Part 3 that runs through the events of S2 but from the perspective of it following the events of this fic. Still working out what I will do about Ben and Michelle (whether to cut them entirely or just make them platonic) but looking forward to it!


	16. Haunted By The Ghost of You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve shows up in Jen's backyard looking for Judy; Judy tries to take Jen's advice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thank you to @bgaydocrimes for beta-reading this chapter for me. Check out her Dead to Me fics if you haven't already!

That was it. Jen blacked out. All she could feel was anger. All she could hear was “miserable cunt”. Adrenaline was flooding her body as Steve turned away and announced that he would leave. Like he hadn’t torn her life apart and then destroyed any shred of what she had left in that very moment. Her fist twitched, Judy’s wooden bird securely in her grip as if it were a stress ball, as if some piece of Judy would provide her relief. But no, it wasn’t enough. The next thing she knew she was beating Steve in the back of the head with it. For a moment the words “I fucking hit him”, “No I hit him” ricocheted in her brain. Then all concepts of reality and consequence left her. All she knew was rage, the image of Ted jumping out in front of that mustang never leaving her. The next thing she knew Steve was falling against her. And then a loud splash.

__________

“I’m so sorry. I’m  _ so _ sorry,” Judy sobbed, hugging a mud-drenched teddy bear close to her chest. But it was the picture of Ted that truly broke her. There was a framed picture of him by himself, well-groomed and dressed up, maybe for a wedding, Judy thought, but tucked into the corner of the frame was a small family portrait. Ted, Jen, Charlie, and Henry all staring back at her. These three people she’d come to love more than anything, and she tore their world apart. She didn’t deserve to be here, she thought, no, she didn’t.

Judy set the frame down, tears falling from her cheeks and drool running from her lips as the small portrait of Jen stared back at her.

The next car that passed, she told herself, that would be it. The thought made her chest ache, but was almost easier when she remembered Jen telling her to disappear off the fucking planet. This was what Jen wanted, she thought, Jen told her the only way to make things better was to die. She repeated that in her head like a mantra, and that’s what made it possible to step into the middle of the road.

Judy closed her eyes as headlights approached, her heart pounding, tears streaming. But nothing came. Just the sound of tires skidding, and the smell of burnt rubber.

“What the fuck are you doing?! Get out of the road!”

Judy’s eyes opened and she turned, watching the car drive off. Well, she thought, she’d wait for the next one. It didn’t matter if it took all night.

Just then, her phone started to ring. Her initial thought was to shut the ringer off. Who the hell would be calling her anyways? She wondered. Probably Steve threatening her life, or Laguna PD trying to find her. But when she pulled out her phone, the screen read “Jen”. If it had been any other person in the world, she would have shut her ringer off and put the phone away. But it was Jen.

“Hello?” Judy’s voice came out shakily.

“Judy? I need you to come home.”

Judy paused for only a moment. “To come . . .  _ home _ ?” There was a second of silence before Judy added “Right now?”

Another way to make things better? Judy asked herself.

There was obvious distress in Jen’s voice when she said. “Right now. I can’t explain. But I need you.”

Judy stood in the street, stunned, and turned around in the direction of Jen’s house. It didn’t matter what Jen needed. She would come. “Okay . . . I’m on my way.” 

Judy hung up and started pulling off her boots. She wasn’t far from Jen’s house. 

Holding her boots in her hands, Judy broke into a sprint, telling herself that whatever Jen needed right now, she would be there for her. This wasn’t going to be like last time. Jen had just saved her life.

__________

“What did you do? Jen, what did you do . . ?”

Jen stared down at Steve’s body as it floated in the water, her eyes filling with tears, jaw clenched, body shaking. 

“I— I don’t know, he just . . . he attacked me. I didn’t know what to do.” Jen kept blinking nervously. She couldn’t look back at Judy until she was finished speaking. 

“What . . . What are we gonna do?” Judy’s heart was in her throat, the scene in front of her making her feel like she might vomit.

Jen stared at Judy for a moment, terror in both of their eyes. Jen’s gaze moved back to Steve’s body and Judy’s didn’t leave Jen’s face, watching her eyes and waiting for an answer. “The freezer. In the garage. We could put him there.” Jen suggested without looking back up.

Judy’s mouth hung open for a moment. 

“Shouldn’t we call the police?”

“No.” Jen answered before Judy was even finished with her question. Judy closed her mouth. “Judy?”

Judy sniffled and blinked, wiping away tears with her arm as Jen looked in her direction. 

“Yeah?”

Jen’s eyes were filling with tears, her chin starting to tremble. She closed her eyes tight. “I need you to tell me he did it.” She said sternly, her whole body shaking, tears rolling down her cheeks.

“Huh? Jen . . .” Judy blinked, more tears forming in her eyes.

“I _ need _ you to tell me you would have stopped.”

Judy’s mouth hung open again. “Oh. Jen . . . Of course I would have. I wanted to go back, I  _ started _ to go back but he—“ Judy shook her head and looked down, tears running down her cheeks. “But I could’ve just—“

“No. Stop.” Jen cut her off quickly. “He made you. Okay? What did he say?”

Judy still shook her head, shaking with sobs. “I started backing up and he asked what the fuck I was doing and told me not to go back and he said,” Judy swallowed hard, the sound of her window shattering and Steve telling her that they  _ couldn’t _ go back echoed in her head. She could feel the gearshift under her palm again. If she hadn’t listened to him, what would he have done? Would he have overpowered her? Her voice broke when she finally spoke. “He um- he said ‘Drive the car, stupid’.”

Jen shook her head, tears falling but she tried to push them away, holding it together. 

“Listen, Judy. Steve Wood killed my husband. Okay? You didn’t kill him. I need you to keep that in your head.” Jen spoke slowly and clearly, needing Judy to accept this as her new truth, because Jen had already let it become her own.

“Okay . . . But I—“

Jen put a hand out in a gesture to lower her voice and shushed her. 

“It doesn’t matter anymore. Steve killed him. Okay?”

Judy nodded, her face contorted from crying. 

“Okay.”

Jen nodded skeptically, flooded with anxiety knowing Judy’s history of confessions. Finally she looked away from Judy and back at the pool. “I need to hide the body.”

Judy’s jaw hung open again, looking back at Steve. 

“Jen, he was a person.”

Jen turned back towards her. 

“I don’t know what else to fucking do! He killed my husband, and suddenly I got 500 grand from what I assume was his bank account,” Judy cringed at that, “What the hell is that gonna look like?”

Judy shook her head. “Okay, okay,” she sobbed. “I don’t know how to help Jen I . . . I only have one good arm right now.” 

Jen closed her mouth and stared back, nearly expressionless, but Judy could see the pleading desperation in her eyes. 

“Okay,” Judy looked down and nodded, sniffling, “Okay, I’ll do what I can. It’s . . . It’s gonna be okay.” Judy tried to convince both Jen and herself of this. 

Jen shook her head solemnly, not believing that at all. 

“Thank you, Judy.”

__________

It took hours before they successfully deposited Steve’s body into the freezer in Jen’s garage. There were hardly words between them; mostly sobs that Judy gave up on holding back and Jen’s hyperventilation that occasionally turned to tears. She could usually hold it together for Judy, but whenever Judy let out a particularly loud sob Jen couldn’t stop the tears from spilling. Judy was crying uncontrollably, and loudly, the way a child might. Jen had never heard a grown adult cry like that, and she might have begged her to stop under different circumstances. But Jen was feeling her pain, and every sob made her heart shatter. 

_ And it’s all my fucking fault _ , Jen thought. 

Once they closed the freezer, Judy sunk down beside it, knees pulled into her chest, hiding her face in her arm to muffle her sobs. Her dress was ruined from using her knee as leverage whenever the two of them had to lift Steve, now drenched in pool water. Jen watched as her body shook uncontrollably, her teeth chattering. All she could think to do was sit down beside her.

“Jude . . .” Jen made her way down to the floor, sitting with her knees bent up and leaning back against the freezer to mimic Judy. “Hey . . .” Jen reached over and put a hand on Judy’s shoulder. 

The moment Judy felt it there she grabbed Jen’s hand, squeezing it. Jen had no words for the situation so she squeezed Judy’s shoulder and rubbed it in silence, Judy holding her hand and sliding her thumb over it for comfort.

“Judy . . . we should probably get you out of here before the boys wake up.” There was genuine pain in Jen’s chest when she asked this. The last thing she wanted was for Judy to go, but the two of them being together after all of this would only make things worse.

Judy quickly lifted her head, turning towards Jen and sniffling loudly, trying to collect herself. “I- Jen I don’t wanna leave you alone.” Judy blinked. She was the one that would end up alone, and she knew that. Jen was all that she had left, and she couldn’t lose her.

Jen just nodded. “Well I won’t kick you out right now. Why don’t you at least go and shower and put on dry clothes. You can use the one in my room. You’re just . . . you’re shivering so hard.”

Judy nodded. “Thank you.” Judy started to shift in an attempt to get up.

“Your stuff isn’t in my room anymore.”

“Huh? My clothes? Where are they?” 

“I burned them.”

Judy’s face dropped. “All of them?”

Jen tried to ignore the hurt in her voice, taking a deep breath. “You can wear some of my clothes. Come on.” She pushed herself up off the floor and reached down to help Judy up, leading her back to the house and to her bedroom. They tiptoed up the stairs in an attempt to keep from waking the boys, both barely capable of maintaining their balance and hardly able to see. When Jen pushed her bedroom door open the dim light of the sunrise was already coming through the shades, which made her heart pound. The boys would be waking up for school in a couple hours.

“Why don’t you go take a shower first?” Jen offered. “You’re soaked.”

“You sure?” Judy asked as she stepped into the room.

“Completely. I’ll be here pacing.”

Judy nodded and sniffled, making her way to Jen’s bathroom, which felt like foreign territory now. When she turned the showerhead on she couldn’t help but notice that all of her shampoo and body wash were gone. Jen made quick work of getting rid of that reminder of her, she guessed.  _ Or maybe not _ , she considered as she checked the cabinet under Jen’s sink to find all of her own toiletries shoved in there, even her wooden toothbrush. Judy let out a small sigh of relief, thinking maybe this was a sign that Jen didn’t completely hate her. After Judy put her things back in the shower — for the time being — she began her attempt to undress herself, reaching desperately for her back zipper with her good arm. She kept on stretching as hard as she could and grabbing at it. Even when she could get a hold of it, she could barely push it down with the angle she reached from. Judy stomped her foot and frowned, tears of frustration starting to build up in her eyes. She’d only just stopped sobbing and now she knew she was about to start again.

Judy started yanking in all directions, nearly breaking her zipper and wanting to scream with frustration and impatience. Everything was building up inside of her and she couldn’t escape it. The room was starting to fill with steam and she was still unsuccessful. “God  _ dammit! _ ” She screamed in almost a whisper. She sank to the floor in a fit of sobs, sitting back against Jen’s sink. 

“Calm down, calm down, pull it together!” Judy screamed, smacking herself in the face to try to snap herself out of it. But when she reached behind her back again and couldn’t catch the zipper, she punched her hand against the sink, stomping both feet and shaking her head in what looked like a child’s temper tantrum; much like the ones she used to have when she was young, and her mother would respond by telling her to shut up and stop being so dramatic. No one ever asked what was wrong. It was always “Stop making a fucking scene, Judy.”

Judy heard a rapping on the door and Jen asked, “Judy, are you decent?”

Judy sniffled and shook her head, wiping her tears away with her hand. “Yeah . . .” She called back weakly. 

Jen came right in. 

“Hey. What are you doing on the floor?” Jen asked. She was about to ask “Are you okay?” but she bit her tongue. Of course Judy wasn’t okay. Neither of them were okay. It wasn’t worth asking.

“I don’t know.”

Jen came over and knelt at her side. “Judy . . . What can I do?”

Judy hiccupped heavy sobs, barely capable of answering. “I can’t—“ she sobbed, “I can’t unzip my dress.”

Jen nodded, knowing there was so much more to Judy’s tears than just that, but she understood. 

“Okay, well, why don’t I do it for you?” Jen offered, “But you gotta get up off the floor.”

Judy sniffled and nodded, letting Jen help her to her feet once again. 

“Okay . . .”

“Alright, turn around.”

Judy turned and let Jen drag her zipper down her back, one hand firmly on the back of her shoulder. Judy took a deep breath, feeling more at home than she had in so long at such a small gesture. But she knew she shouldn’t get used to it. This might be the last time Jen did this for her, she thought.

“All set. You could’ve just asked before you went in, Jude.” With a soft sigh, Jen’s eyes traced up the line of newly exposed skin on her back one last time.

“I know, you’re right.” Judy turned back around to face Jen again.

“Are you okay from here?” Jen raised an eyebrow, hoping Judy would say yes, because that was already more than enough intimacy.

Judy nodded her head, knowing Jen wouldn’t want to help her any further. 

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine.”

“Okay.” Jen gave a small nod and exited the bathroom. Normally she’d tell Judy to call for her if she needed more help but she knew she was better off not offering at all. She didn’t need to worry about Judy right now. She needed to worry about herself.

After she closed the door behind her, all she could do was pace back and forth, raking her fingers through her scalp, her whole body trembling. She knew time was passing, the sun was rising, and soon Judy was shutting the water off in the bathroom. But all she could do was pace, reliving the last few hours again and again until her bathroom door creaked open and Judy stepped out in a towel. 

Fuck, she thought, she hadn’t given Judy anything to wear. 

“Uh— do you have—“

“Yeah, yeah, sorry, um, let me check my closet.” Jen charged over to the closet, Judy watching as she flicked through an array of dress shirts and blazers. 

“That’s my dress,” Judy said softly, “uh, I mean. I can see one of my dresses there.”

“Oh. Really? I must have missed it. Or thought it was mine . . . or something.” Jen spotted the little blue dress and pulled it out.

Judy stepped closer and looked at the dress, then back at Jen. Jen didn’t think this was hers, Judy thought. It clearly wasn’t hers. But she didn’t say a word. 

“Right. I’ll wear this. Thanks.”

“Okay. My underwear drawer is on top, you can take whichever ones. I don’t care. I’m gonna go shower.”

Judy nodded, standing awkwardly. 

“My dress is kind of just, on your floor, sorry, I don’t know—“

“We should burn that dress.”

Judy opened her mouth to protest but changed her mind. Jen was right. Not only was it evidence but it was a reminder of the worst night of her life. It should be burned. “Yeah. Yeah you’re probably right.”

Jen nodded.

“Okay then.” 

Judy watched her walk away until the bathroom door shut behind her. She took a final lap around Jen’s room; what had once been  _ their _ room. This was probably her last time in it, she thought. Opening Jen’s top drawer, she decided not to take any of her favorites. The black ones should stay Jen’s, she thought, and plucked out a red pair.

Getting dressed was an agonizingly slow process, but she managed to do it before Jen got out of the bathroom and took a moment to sit down on Jen’s bed, laying down on her back. 

Her mind was racing, tears falling down either side of her face until she rolled her head to the side, facing up towards Jen’s pillows. It wasn’t until then that she spotted the corner of her blanket, peeking out from beneath Jen’s pillow, on what she knew as Jen’s side of the bed. She sniffled and sat up, tugging the blanket out from underneath and tucking it under her chin, taking in its smell. 

It smelled like Jen now, she thought, and her tears fell harder. Jen must have been sleeping with it every night, maybe it brought Jen the same comfort it brought her when she felt alone.

Jen didn’t come out of the bathroom until she was dressed and finished drying her hair, her eyes darting straight to Judy and then to the blanket firmly held to her chest.

Judy swallowed, “Sorry, I wasn’t snooping, I swear. I just saw it and- well, you can keep it if you want if—“

“No,” Jen started quickly, “no, it’s yours, please take it.” She could feel the blood rushing to her face and heating up her cheeks, now that Judy clearly knew she’d been sleeping with her blanket every night. Jen never wanted to admit to herself that it was the only thing that got her to sleep, and she idly wondered if Judy slept at all without it.

Judy clung tighter to the soft fabric. “Okay. Thanks for, uh, not burning it.”

Jen nodded. She opened her mouth to tell Judy it was only because she ran out of lighter fluid, but the fact that it now lived in Jen’s bed was probably too big of an indication that that was a lie. So she closed her mouth.

“Will you let me help with breakfast? Before I go?” Judy asked hopefully.

Jen closed her eyes and sighed, but in the end she nodded. “Yeah, thank you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry the ending is grim, but I thought I'd stay aligned with the season finale. Will be starting part III of this story soon, which will be almost like a rewrite of Season 2. (Also, did anyone else notice that Judy sang Dream a Little Dream of Me in the beginning of this and then happened to sing it in the second season? I like to think I manifested that.)


End file.
